Season 3, Episode 14: Valentine’s Day Massacre

Don’t toy with me.  Someone had better die.

Apparently a masochist, Dawson is trying to teach the always pleasant Joey how to drive stick.  Obviously, it’s not going well, and Joey gives Dawson shit for not being patient enough with her.  Does Dawson even know how to drive?  I mean, I know he got a car for his birthday, but wasn’t that taken away from him when he got drunk and insulted everyone he knew?  Anyway, Pacey jumps out of the back of the truck and starts talking about their Valentine’s plans.  A.J., Joey’s new squeeze, is too busy studying, which blows Pacey’s mind because apparently he knows a different, less frigid Joey who might put out on Valentine’s Day.  Dawson and Pacey are going to a party hosted by some dude that Joey refers to as “hedonistic”.  This could be a very sexy episode, you guys.  She keeps throwing shade at the two for thinking about having fun and tells them that she’s going to have a Blockbuster night.  A real party animal, that one.


At school the next day, Pacey remarks about how envious he is of Matt’s (the guy hosting the party) lifestyle.  Apparently he fucked all the cheerleaders or something.  Dawson is suddenly hesitant about crashing a party because there won’t be movies involved.  Jack shows up, all giddy because he got the secret password to get into the party, he just doesn’t know where it’s going to be, which is a mighty big variable to overlook.  Oh my God.  The password is “I know kung-fu”.  And yes, they do the Keanu voice.

A nurse tells Henry that he can’t give anymore blood because he just donated the day before.  He tries appealing to her because he really needs the cash to make sure his date is perfect and she shoots him down again.  Good for her, although I’m sure the hijinks his death would cause would be hilarious.  He really lays it on thick, asking her if she’d want her date to half ass it on Valentine’s, which is apparently enough to convince her to put a minor’s life in danger.  She agrees to take another pint of blood.  I…I don’t even know what more to add to this idiocy.


Be weirder, Henry.

Oh look, it’s Dougie!  Pacey immediately starts in with the gay bashing because Dougie is listening to some female soul singer.  Fuck you, Pacey.  After his petty belittlement, he asks Dougie if he can go on a ride along that night and Dougie tells him to kick rocks; it’s Valentine’s Day and there’s rumors of a big party at the golf course.  Clever one, Pacey.

So Andi invited someone named Kate to stay with them for the weekend.  Jack gets all uppity, because Kate is his ex-girlfriend.  He asks if Andi told her that he’s gay and she admits that she didn’t, which makes Jack all spastic for some reason.  Let’s give the proper people credit here, Jack.  Joey turned you gay.  Not this Kate person.  Andi tells him to pop a fucking Xanax because it’s not a big deal.


Jen is getting ready for her date with Henry and is acting all neurotic.  Grams tells her it’s okay to be nervous and Jen keeps playing like she’s not.  Grams just loves being in love and thinks Valentine’s Day is far more than commercialized farce.  She tells Jen to keep breathing, and Jen tells her to shut it because she’s not nervous and it’s not a date.  She does this through about a million different stammered sentences, just to make sure that we all know she really is nervous.

Holy fuck, the first word out of Kate’s mouth is “Jackers”.  I’m going to hate this broad.  Maybe she’ll be massacred.  She asks Jack how he’s doing and before he even has a chance to respond, she starts crying.  Guess what!  Her new ex was gay!  Now what will Jack do, because telling her he’s gay too might have some unexplained repercussions.


Those three meet Dawson and Pacey at the golf course for some party action.  Kate, in one of the least subtle moves ever, announces to the new guys she just met that she’s in an emotionally vulnerable state.  In other words, she’s down to bang.  Pacey gets all excited for Dawson and encourages him to go for it.  Dawson doesn’t quite understand why Pacey would leave this chick for him, and the answer shows up in the form of Joey.  When asked what the fuck she’s doing there, she tells them that she’s there to protect Dawson’s virtue.  What the fucking fuck, Joey?  I’m not even kidding; she tells them that she’s there to be a cock block/wet blanket.  I fucking hate her so much.

Meanwhile, Henry shows up at Jen’s for their date, and she notices that he looks like shit.  To start their date off right, he pricks her finger with a rose.  Being the weirdo that he is, I’m surprised that he doesn’t offer to suck on the finger to get it to clot or something bizarre like that.


In order to get to the party, the gang had to steal golf carts.  Never mind the fact that the keys would have been in the club house.  Joey tells Pacey that she thinks Dawson is lost and that he shouldn’t keep encouraging him.  Andi thinks that Jack still needs to tell Kate he’s batting for the other team, and Kate won’t stop babbling to poor Dawson about her ex.

When they get to the party, Matt isn’t too pleased that they’re crashing it.  However, since they know the stupid, stupid password, he’ll let them stick around, but they have to pay the entrance fee, which is a round of shots.  Dawson and Pacey don’t have a problem with that, because it’s a fucking party and all.  Andi is the DD, which is fine by me.  But when he gets to Joey, she gives him a TON of shit and declines.  Again, what the fuck?  Why the hell did you come?  Pacey rightfully comes over and tells her to knock her shit off and stop trying to protect Dawson.


So it looks like the stuffy date is going well.  Except that Henry still looks like shit.  Jen keeps trying to talk to him and he keeps zoning out on her.  He apologizes, then passes the fuck out, making a grand spectacle of it.  That nurse is FUCKED.




Joey is still pissy at Pacey for calling her on her bullshit, so she and Andi are leaving the party or something.  Wait, isn’t Andi the DD?  How’s that going to work?  Joey keeps bitching about Pacey for always getting them into these predicaments, what with wanting to have a little fun once in a while.  Andi remarks that Joey sounds like she did right before her and Pacey started dating and Joey gets all huffy about that.  Someone cut out her tongue.  Given that the police in The Creek were worthless during the hurricane, I’m more than surprised when Dougie pulls Joey and Andi over.

Man, that is a raging party.  Dawson approaches Kate, who’s still super annoying, and asks her if she’d like to take a walk with him.  Man.  An annoying sober girl, drunk.  My nightmare.


Poor Henry has to get ambulanced out of the restaurant.  On his way out the door, he gives Jen a ring that he bought with his blood money.  Whoa there, Henry.  That’s mighty aggressive for a first date, you clingy psychopath.  Jen doesn’t understand why he’d try to kill himself for their first date and he tells her that he just wanted everything to be perfect.  But seriously, the nurse that took his blood is absolutely going to lose her job.  He’s fucking 14, for God’s sake.

Kate tells Dawson that she knows what he’s doing, pulling her away from the party.  Except she doesn’t because she thinks he’s jumping on the grenade, taking the emotional girl away from the party so that everyone can have a good time without having to hear her bullshit.  She tells Dawson that he’s a nice guy, and he tells her that maybe he is trying to take advantage of her.  Exhibit A, your Honor.  She sees right through him and tells him that he’s a giant wuss, prompting him to call out to the universe to throw him a bone.  She endears herself to me by telling him to shut the fuck up and quit whining.  Maybe if he acted like a man and took action rather than simply talking about said actions, he’d get it in.  She tells him to kiss her if he wants to, so he does.  In another awesome Kate move, she immediately throws up.


Jen returns from her date and Grams is all atwitter.  Jen lets her down easily, telling her she doesn’t think there will be a second date.  Henry must have whiplash dealing with Jen and her constantly shifting feelings towards him.  Grams tells Jen that she thinks her notion of dating is fucked, because poor Henry was just probably trying to make the date what he thought Jen would want it to be.  Yeah, passing out and spilling gazpacho all over your date in a crowded restaurant is definitely what she’d want.

Joey probably ratted everyone out to save her skin, because the cops show up and bust the party.  Pacey is hanging out in a tree when he gets nabbed.  What is with the writers and having people inexplicably hang out in trees?



Seriously, this isn’t normal.

In an attempt to overcompensate for their officers hanging out with teachers during a hurricane, the cops apparently arrested everyone at the party.  This includes Andi and Joey for some reason.  They’re all in a single cell and Kate is still babbling incessantly about her ex.  Jack decides that this is the perfect time to come clean, but it doesn’t matter, because Kate guesses that he’s gay.  Jack admits that he is and Kate continues to make me like her by asking Dawson if he’s gay too.  Her thinking is that only gay guys kiss her, prompting Joey to ask what the fuck Kate is talking about.  She gives Dawson shit for trying to take advantage of a drunk girl and Dawson finally flips on her, telling her to shut the fuck up and let him make mistakes.

All their yammering causes Pacey to chime in, giving Joey shit because her helicopter parenting of Dawson is fascinating.  In a move out of 5th grade, Joey asks him why he’s so mean to her.  THAT is the fucking pot calling the kettle black, you frigid bitch!  She doesn’t understand what she’s done to him to make him so angry with her.  What about everything, Joey?  You’re the most unpleasant person on this fucking show, and much of that unpleasantness is directed at Pacey.  You don’t have the right to act all sensitive.  Pacey basically tells Dawson and Joey they need to make a fucking decision as to whether or not they’re going to be an item, because he’s fucking sick of their shit.


Bro Dad shows up to bail everyone out of jail, because that’s how it usually works.  He doesn’t look too pleased.  I wouldn’t be either if I had to pay bail for 30 teenagers, which must be what he did.  As Pacey attempts to leave, Dougie tells him that their dad has decided that he should spend the night.  Did you guys forget that Mr. Witter is a bag of dicks?

Jen visits Henry in the hospital, which is probably a nurse short.  Also, what time is it?  And where the hell are Henry’s parents?  Jen admits that she was nervous for their date, because she never had a Valentine’s Day date before.  But she tells Henry that she wants to go on dates that are more suitable to their age group, not 30 year olds.  She just thinks they should be themselves.  Henry opens his mouth and ruins the moment.


Back at the McFee’s, Kate tells Jack that she’s okay with him being gay.  It’s not a reflection on her anyway.  She asks why he didn’t tell her sooner, and Jack tells her that when he saw her, it reminded him of his gay feelings when they were dating, which he thought were the wrong feelings.  He didn’t want to disappoint her.  She tells him that he could never disappoint her.

Dawson, trying to further piss Bro Dad off, tells him that he thought only children used the silent treatment.  Bro Dad tells him that he’s been thinking about his son and the fact that in the last few months he crashed his boat and threw a stripper party.  Dawson, ironically sounding like a 45 year old, tells Bro Dad that he’s just trying to get back to being a kid.  He calls it “youthful exuberance”, which Bro Dad is totally cool with, except that Dawson’s exuberance has been excessive, what with crashing a fucking boat and hosting a stripper party.  He tells Dawson that he got him a job at Gail’s restaurant, which is apparently a thing, and that he’s going to work and get his shit together.  Dawson seems shocked by this new found “parenting”.  But how is he going to work at the video rental store that he shows up to when it’s convenient to the plot?


Dougie brings Pacey coffee and asks him what’s wrong.  Pacey tells him it’s nothing, prompting Dougie to ask him if it’s a girl.  Pacey denies that it is, then starts ranting about an unnamed girl who’s super annoying because she’s so smart.  He admits that he thinks this girl is so pretty that she gives him butterflies, and Dougie tells Pacey that he needs to tell this girl how he feels, because he misses the butterflies.  Guh.  He tells Pacey that he has nothing to lose.


So the next day, Pacey goes to Joey’s.  She tries to shut the door on him because she’s awful, and he apologizes for being a dick to her as of late.  Joey tells him that she was worried about him too because she knows that no one else really does, and that being a massive bitch is how she expresses concern and that he really needs to learn to read between the lines.  Fuck you.  After this pleasant moment, Pacey tells her that there’s something else.  He acts all nervous, like he may finally reveal his true feelings and end this aggravation, but switches at the last minute to something about how Joey handles the clutch.  He offers to give us a driving lesson, and we end with Joey managing to get from first to second gear or something stupid like that.



Crying Dawson Scale




3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons


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