Guh, that title.
Joey sneaks into Dawson’s room to find him watching his stupid Witch Island documentary. I’m assuming he wasn’t acting inappropriately over his incredible visual style or anything, since he makes no sudden rush to hide an erection. Apparently, he’s been invited to show his movie at a college film festival, because of course he is, and he’s boning up on his movie for a Q&A session afterwards. No one cares, Dawson! He’s super nervous to show his movie to a new audience of sycophants. Joey assures him that it’s good and he’ll be fine, then admits that she’s nervous to visit the college too, because of course they’re going together. Dawson, excited because he just knows everyone will fluff his balls, tells her to look at it as an adventure, but Joey is still hesitant, because all she’s wanted to do her whole life is go to college, and this visit could prove that she’s not cut out for it and that she’s a giant failure.
God, I hope you get knocked down a peg or 50.
First paragraph: 170 words. This doesn’t bode well.
Oh would you look at that, Andi and Jack are visiting the same school too! What a fucking surprise! Andi is super pumped for her interview with the Dean of Admissions. Jack is just there to visit Boston; you know, get out of The Creek for a day. Joey, as always, feigns excitement in one of the worst attempts at matching Andi’s enthusiasm. She goes off to find her roommate for the day, A.J.
Dawson checks in at the film festival and the girl checking him in asks him who his favorite director is. When he says “Spielberg”, she looks at him like he’s a chump, and when he reiterates, she tells him that Spielberg is a pussy who has no edge. She’s my new favorite character. Dawson tries to act all cocky, talking about his movie, and she clearly doesn’t give a flying fuck. Definitely my new favorite character.
Joey goes to the dorm she’s been assigned, only to find that there’s a dude sitting on a Macbook inside. He asks her what the fuck she wants and she says she’s looking for her roommate, A.J. He continues being short with her about not knowing a chick named A.J., and when Joey finally asks what his deal is, he reveals that HE’S A.J.! Joey’s monocle nearly burrows a hole in the floor, it drops so quickly. She wants nothing to do with a GUY roommate, and he tells her that she needs to either unfurl her panties and deal, or start looking at women’s colleges. Nice. This reality check is enough to change her mind and she decides to stay. He tells her that’s great; now get the fuck out so he can finish his paper. She storms out.
Andi finds Jack and asks him what’s up. He acts all kinds of shady about his plans when he says he’s just going to see the sights. After Andi leaves, Jack pulls his literature back out and it’s revealed that he’s looking into some gay hot spots in Boston. Get yours, Jack!
Andi visits the Dean’s office to check in for her interview. The secretary looks her up and asks her why she’s four months early for her interview. Andi babbles on about how her dad is an alumnus who always told her the early bird gets the worm, and the secretary tells her that the Dean doesn’t have an opening for the day, so she should go kick rocks.
So it doesn’t seem that the screening of “Witch Island” went very well. As it wraps, Dawson looks around and sees people laughing and pointing. As the lights come up, one solitary person claps. Dawson looks horrified, shrinking in his chair. The host asks if there are any questions and no one ventures any. Dawson is asked to podium, only to realize that pretty much everyone has left. After a moment, a stereotypical 90s lesbian asks if Joey’s in the audience, because she’s hot. I want to lick Dawson’s tears.
I love this so much.
After he leaves, a girl approaches him and tells him it’s okay to be upset. Dawson gives this pissy speech about how a bunch of college snobs don’t have his vision or some shit, and the girl tells Dawson that he’s a fucking moron for trying to ride The Blair Witch Project’s coattails. She calls his movie derivative, and I take back what I said earlier; this chick is my new favorite character. Dawson flips at her for trying to help and she tells him he needs to grow up and accept that not everyone is going to suck his dick all the time.
Jack is super hesitant to get on a bus. I don’t think it said “Gay Stuff” on the side, which means it’s just a normal city bus, so I don’t get what his problem is. Go visit that art museum Andi mentioned earlier if you lose your nerve. Once he gets on, he eye balls two dudes who are laughing together. Super gay stuff right there, Jack.
This is just so gay, right writers?
Joey runs into Dawson and asks how the screening went. He tells her it was a disaster and she asks him if it was really that bad. He says it was so bad that he’s questioning whether or not he actually has talent. Grow up, you fucking baby! Seriously. Use this as motivation to do better and not rip off whatever is popular at the moment. Joey doesn’t share my opinion, and gives this little speech about how movies have always been entertainment to her, but that they mean so much more to Dawson, and for that she’s proud of him. It’s all so saccharine that I have a stomach ache.
The secretary walks into the Dean’s office to find Andi hanging out in there. She’s not too weirded out when Andi admits she bribed a janitor to let her in so she could wait for the Dean to get back from lunch. Uhhhhhh…maybe, given Andi’s psychotic history, she should be more alarmed. And yes, I realize she doesn’t know Andi is nuts, but either way, this is psycho behavior. She’s just entirely too casual about the breaking and entering. Unphased, the secretary asks Andi why it’s so important that she go to that college, and Andi offer a great answer. The secretary tells her that she has seven kids, none of whom went to whatever college they’re currently visiting (fucking idiots – it would have been tuition-free), and one didn’t go to college at all. She asks Andi to guess who’s the happiest and Andi guesses the one who didn’t go to college. The secretary nods and tells her that life is about finding fulfillment, and that maybe college isn’t for everyone.
Of course A.J. is in the freshman college course that Joey decides to visit. Actually it turns out that he’s the teaching assistant who’s taking over for the day. Hold the fucking phone. Regardless of gender, the school paired up a high school senior with a grad student? At the very least, he’s an upperclassman. That just seems…odd to me. He asks Joey, in front of the whole class, what her favorite book is, and she tells him it’s “Little Women”. A.J. immediately starts giving her shit for it, rattling off the plot, which sounds remarkably similar to Joey’s life, right down to the protagonist named Joe. This prompts the other students to just eviscerate it. He concludes his public shaming by telling Joey that just because your life can be related to a book, that doesn’t mean the book itself is good. Kind of like this show! Except I don’t relate to it in any way. It’s just bad.
After class, A.J. catches up to a clearly pissed off Joey. He embarrassed her in front of college kids and she thinks he’s bullshit for not putting any effort into her tour. He apologizes and offers a do-over.
Back at the screening, they’re watching another movie and everyone loves it, applauding and cheering when it’s over. The host asks the director to come to the front and TWIST! It’s the girl who schooled Dawson on his shitty movie earlier, Nicki!
Hahahaha! More! I need more!
When the screening is over, Dawson catches up with Nicki and acts all catty about her being so secretive about being a fellow director. She tells him to fuck off because she’d be happy for him if his movie had actually been decent. She asks what he thought and he tells her it was technically well shot. As in, nothing positive to say about the content. She pushes for more and he tells her it wasn’t derivative. She apologizes for trashing his movie, and offers up sage wisdom; if he’s going to get butt hurt every time someone says something negative about his shitty movies, he may want to avoid entering them in festivals. So awesome.
I guess the secretary doesn’t give a shit about keeping her job, because she took Andi for coffee. Oh God, Andi starts prattling on about her crazy mom. Do you think it may have been at this point that the secretary realized the gravity of Andi breaking into the Dean’s office? That maybe she’s kind of nuts? After Andi’s story, the secretary tells her to stop beating herself up. She can’t control everything in life, and that maybe if she stops trying to control every outcome, life may surprise her. I swear to God, if she’s been the Dean the whole time, I’ll scream.
To make up for being a shitty guide, A.J. takes Joey to the Rare Book Library. Naturally, Joey is more concerned about getting caught than the nice gesture. He pulls out the original author’s copy of “Little Women”, because of course they have that. Joey starts reading it, and he chimes in, reading the male character’s dialogue. There’s clearly some kind of connection forming between them. After 30 seconds of this, Joey tells him how her mom used to read it to her all the time, and now that she’s dead, it’s one of those little things that helps her hang on to her memory. That’s why it’s her favorite. A.J. tells her that his favorite book is “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”, and Joey mocks him for being a child. He tells her that to him, it’s simple and magical. Yeah, no shit; I read that in third grade.
Ahahahahahaha! Jack ended up at a gay bar, after all. As expected, he’s incredibly uncomfortable with all the homo-eroticism taking place around him. He moseys up to the bar and a guy buys a beer for him. He asks Jack if he’d like to go some place that doesn’t make him look like he’s going to throw up, and Jack just freezes. After the guy tries again to make him more comfortable, Jack bails.
The festival is wrapping up and they’re announcing the winners. Obviously, Dawson doesn’t win, but when they announce first place and it isn’t Nicki, she gets up and leaves in a huff.
Not knowing when it’s best to back off, Dawson follows her and asks what’s up. She’s super salty that she didn’t win. He tells her that winning shouldn’t matter, because her movie was still the best and she can take pride in that. She tells him to shut the fuck up; winning matters and not only did she want to win, she deserved to. He tells her that regardless of the award, he found her movie inspiring, in that it inspired him to keep making movies because it’s his passion. With that in mind, Nicki, your movie sucked.
The next day, Andi and Dawson run into each other as they’re getting ready to leave. She enjoyed her interview with the secretary, and Dawson found motivation to keep making movies. Huzzah.
Jack’s already on the train. A guy comes up and asks if he can sit across from him and Jack tells him to beat it. As the guy is leaving, Jack changes his mind because he has to kiss a dude sometime. The guy sits and tells Jack he’s on his way to The Creek. Jack seems pleased by this development, because apparently any guy who’s nice to Jack must be gay.
And of fucking course Nicki is on the train. She tells Dawson she’s off to visit her dad because her parents are divorced. Dawson can relate and asks where she’s headed. Turns out that her dad is the principal at some shitty school in some shitty town called The Creek. What a Goddamn surprise. Dawson is thrilled by this development and offers to use his pull to get her into his film class. Turns out, she’s been getting private tutelage from the teacher. This seems to bother Dawson.
Jack and this new guy are talking. Turns out he’s on his way to The Creek because he just got out of a bad relationship and needs some recuperation time. As he’s explaining, he mentions that the relationship was with a dude, which seems to make Jack happy. Jack asks if he could tell that he was gay and the guy tells him that nothing is more obvious. He needs to stop looking terrified all the time. Jack tells him he’s still nervous and the guy tells him to buckle up, because relationships with dudes are hard.
A.J. and Joey were up all night talking, but apparently it was all one-sided, because now that she’s leaving, he realizes that he knows nothing about her. She admits that she doesn’t know what she’s passionate about, and, in the process, mentions Dawson. A.J. gives this weird math metaphor that essentially boils down to the fact that she needs to give herself some distance in order to figure her shit out. Almost as if he was trying to manipulate her or something, he immediately asks if he can call her and she gives him her number.
After a weird handshake that morphs into them holding hands, Joey gets on the train, running into Dawson in the process. She waves to A.J. and Dawson asks who he is. She tells him he was her roommate for the night and Dawson eyeballs him as he leaves. Jesus Christ, dude. Figure YOUR shit out! I’m so sick of this.
Back at home, Joey shows up at Dawson’s once more. He’s still blindsided by learning he’s a shitty director at the festival, which is making him nervous for college. I don’t know why he’s so shocked. Remember when hot film teacher absolutely ripped Cornball Movie 2 to shreds? Maybe he really is just a shitty director with no vision. Joey tries to console him by telling him he needs to love what he does. Dawson asks her how her visit went, and she tells him that for the first time, she sees college as more than an escape from The Creek. She sees it as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. She sounds like a super nerd, and Dawson calls her on it. After a moment, Joey remarks how Dawson’s room seems so much smaller. He thinks it seems so much bigger, now that he knows he’s a failure. They sit in silence, Joey looks awkwardly at Dawson, then leaves him to his whiny, failure thoughts.
Dawson’s Existential Crisis, Take 4,326 coming next week!
3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons