Is that racist?
Dawson and Pacey are sweating it out in Dawson’s room, watching a movie. You see, The Creek is suffering through an Indian Summer, so it’s mighty hot out there. Pacey thinks it’s pathetic that this is what their lives have become, and it turns out that Dawson is watching some film noir thriller for an assignment. He’s struggling with the genre because he can’t relate to the idiot protagonists who perpetually get bamboozled by women. Pacey, on the other hand, can, because he’s had sex. Pacey explains that Dawson’s immunity to women’s charms brought on by hanging onto his V Card sets him apart from noir protagonists or some shit. Pacey leaves and Dawson goes to the window and sees a flashlight in a darkened Grams’ house. He calls 911 to report the break in and then decides to investigate himself. I hope he gets shot. As the thief tries to leave, he tackles them and realizes that it’s none other than Eve. Ugh. Here we go again.
In the credits, there’s a shot of Pacey snuggling with a brunette that I’m pretty sure is Joey. Is that a fucking spoiler!? The real question is: should I care?
Dawson is annoyed/pissed at Eve and wants to know what the shit she was doing at Grams’. She makes up some bullshit about lesbianism with Jen and Dawson tells her to cut the crap because the cops are on their way. For some reason, she’s shocked that he didn’t pop boners over the thought of her and Jen munching each others’ rugs. He tells her she’s fucked, and she threatens to reveal his involvement in the Great PSAT Scandal of 1999. Is that ever going away?
Sure as shit, the cops show up moments later. Dawson covers for Eve, giving the cop some bogus story about Jen breaking in so as not to wake Grams. It’s odd, because all the lights are off in his house, so the cop has to look around with a flashlight. The dumb story about Jen fools the cop, so Dawson goes back to his room, only to find that Eve has vanished. What a fucking surprise.
Jack and Jen are hanging out in a field, star gazing. Jack tells Jen that he thinks she could be doing better in her life in regards to guys, and tells her that Henry is crazy about her. She tells Jack that she’s not interested in dating a freshman, what with that being tantamount to social suicide. This turns into a conversation about how glad she is that her and Jack are friends. They get kind of flirty, which is odd, given Jack’s sexual orientation. As if to confuse me further, the sprinklers come on and they continue their flirty repartee into the distance.
Joey’s hosing down a boat when the creepy, pervy meathead from earlier in the season comes out and takes off his shirt. He throws it at Joey, and for some reason, I’m really thirsty for a Diet Coke.
Anyway, he asks her out and she tells him to kick rocks. Actually, she tells him to fuck off because she’s only sixteen and therefore not legal. Having the intelligence of a rock, he starts hosing her down. I think we’ve clearly established that the guy is a perv.
Dawson is apparently trying to track Eve down. He asks the school secretary for her address, then goes to the strip club where she worked. No one has any idea who she is. There’s absolutely no record of her, which lends credence to my earlier theory that she was a figment of Dawson’s imagination. Obviously, Dawson is frustrated by this development.
Jack and Henry are getting ready for practice when they run into Jen, who’s obviously licking a popsicle, otherwise we wouldn’t have had sexual imagery or innuendo in 25 seconds. Henry can’t handle how hot she is and laments that he can’t talk to her, so he’ll never be able to ask her out. Jack proposes that maybe they can have a fatalistic date wherein they just so happen to be in the same place at the same time. Oh man, I hope hijinks ensue.
Oh hey, it’s Dougie the cop! Remember him? He earns a special spot in my heart by immediately making fun of Dawson for the wacky misunderstanding the other night. Dawson tactfully uses a made up screenplay to ask Deputy Dougie how he’d track someone down. Dougie tells him he’d post up outside of a laundromat because everyone has to do their laundry, and where else would they do it but at a laundromat? Uhh, how about they use a washer and dryer at home? This strategy seems flawed.
That thought never occurred to Dawson, apparently, as he took Dougie’s advice and posts up outside the town laundromat. What’s his plan here, exactly? Hope that it just so happens to be Eve’s laundry day? Is he going to skip school to make this happen? Pacey brings him a coffee and tells him he’s being obsessive. Dawson is just so confounded by everything that’s happened with Eve and needs answers, dammit! Pacey tells him he just needs to chill and proposes watching Wild Things instead.
As theygo to leave, they just so happen to spot Eve buying a popsicle, because sexual imagery requirements and all.
The meathead shows up at the dock on a boat and berates Joey. He tells her that he has a date that night and talks all about how he is so getting laid. Joey’s annoyed and grossed out, and the date comes out of said boat. It’s none other than dear, old Andi. Joey’s kind of shocked, but apparently Andi and meathead know each other from way back. We also learn that meathead’s name is Rob. Right in front of Andi, he heavily implies that he’s going to get it in that night. As he tips Joey for filling up his tank (tee hee), he grabs her tit. She throws the money back at him in disgust.
Henry is hanging out in the woods, waiting for Jen to show up. He’s reciting some conversation topics when she does, and he immediately goes into Stuttering Stanley mode. He tells her that Jack had other plans, then starts telling her all about how awesome she is. She asks him why he’s there instead of Jack, and he unveils the master plan. She tells Henry that he done goofed because he could have asked her out himself and storms off.
So apparently Dawson and Pacey followed Eve all day and have ended up at her FUCKING HOUSEBOAT! I knew someone would have one! They creepily watch her silhouette get changed and then she leaves again. Pacey tells Dawson he’ll follow Eve, and Dawson opts to investigate the boat. When he goes inside, he finds that it’s trashed. As he uncovers a picture of a woman, we hear a gun cock and someone tells him that he’s under arrest. Oh no!
Turns out it’s Officer Dougie, who apparently works day and night shifts. He should probably talk to his union boss about that. Dougie reveals that the boat actually belongs to an 80 year old couple, and wants to know what the fuck Dawson is doing there. Dawson makes up a bullshit story about his friend, and Dougie asks if said friend also stole a speedboat the week before. Dawson has no idea what he’s talking about, and Dougie lets Dawson know that he’s noticed how strange he’s been acting and knows that it has something to do with his mystery woman.
As things are getting tense between the two, Pacey shows up and starts mocking Dougie’s sexuality. After a moment, Dougie freaks the fuck out at Pacey and tells him that he’s not gay, storming off in a huff. I’m surprised he didn’t pull his gun on Pacey again.
I really want to Photoshop a popsicle into this…
Joey stops by the theater to spy on Andi and Rob’s date. What’s her fucking deal? Does she have a thing for him? Naturally, she runs into Andi in the lobby and tells her that Rob is a creep. Andi doesn’t care. Joey reiterates that Rob will probably rape her that night and Andi tells Joey that she needs to shut the fuck up because she knows jack shit about guys. Look at Dawson and gay Jack. They exchange some more shade and finally Andi tells her that she’s moving on from Pacey and that Joey should be happy for her.
Back in the theater, Andi sits down with Rapey Rob when Joey decides that if she can’t change Andi’s mind, she’ll be a huge cock block instead. She whispers to Andi that she’s not leaving her alone with Rob. Andi apologizes to a clearly pissed Rob. While I’m not an advocate for statutory rape, Joey is the worst.
Jack is digging through the fridge, feeling guilty for not earning his keep. Grams remarks that Jack is making Jen happier than she’s ever seen her, which is her cue to come in and freak the fuck out on Jack. She compares Jack to a pimp and explains that more than anything, she’s disappointed, because Jack took Henry’s side rather than hers.
Dawson comes home and finds Eve in his room. I’m telling you, get rid of that fucking ladder! Anyway, she wants her picture back. Well, Dawson wants answers, bitch. They verbally spar and finally Dawson gets her to admit that she was in Grams’ looking for something valuable to get some cash. She asks for the picture again and Dawson asks why such a cold hearted bitch would care so much about a stupid photo. This seems to cut her deep, and she tells him that the photo is of her mother, who she’s never met. Wow, betcha feel like a real dick now, eh, Dawson?
It turns out that Eve was adopted as a baby, and the only information her parents had on her birth mother was that she lived on the east coast near the ocean. That really narrows it down. Not to mention that that information could be wholly incorrect given that 20 or so years have passed. Maybe she’s dead. So for the last few years, she’s been looking up and down the coast for her mother. After explaining that she’s had no luck in The Creek, and that she’d be moving on, Dawson gives her the picture back. You see, she plays roles in each town she visits so as not to get too attached to anyone, but something about Dawson got to her. He tells her he likes her and that she’s not that bad of a person. How nice. Touched by his lukewarm affection, she leaves. I hope it’s for real, finally.
Jen is back star gazing when Jack shows up. He tells her that she misunderstood his motives and that he made the Henry plan because he felt she deserved something nice. She tells Jack that he ruined their special place by bringing that idiot there. She gets all sentimental, telling Jack that for the first time in her life, she has a boy/friend who isn’t trying to fuck her and that it’s nice. She posits that perhaps Jack did the setting up for himself because he’s lonely. Jack whines that he’s the only gay in The Creek, so no shit he’s lonely. If it turns out that Dougie is gay and they get together, I’ll die. Anyway, Jen tells him that he’ll find someone, he just needs to be patient, and again, the sprinklers come on. Seems like after the first time, they could avoid that problem.
Andi finds Joey on the dock, and Joey, unable to help herself, implies that Andi is a slut. Andi reassures her that nothing happened and that Rob was a complete gentleman. Joey doesn’t believe her. Having heard his name, Rob shows up, still clearly salty about being cock blocked. He asks Joey how she could have managed to see the movie and work at the dock at the same time. She admits that she closed early, and Rob fires her. Shocked, she goes to leave, then turns around to make one last remark about how his pervy ass is going to get busted, and he can rot in Hell when that happens.
Bro Dad made Dawson haul an air conditioner over to Grams to help beat the heat. I’ve gotta say, I’m a fan of the work boot, white knee socks rolled down, cargo short combination that he’s worn all episode.
Are you feelin’ this, ladies?
Anyway, as he’s setting up the air conditioner, he spots a picture of Grams with a woman who looks remarkably like Eve’s mother. Fuck. He asks Grams who she is, and Grams tells her that it’s none other than her daughter. Looks like Jen has a slutty sister!
3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons