Pacey and Dawson are walking to school, and Pacey makes a remark about how he’s going to explode. Before you can wonder if they’re talking sexually or otherwise, it’s revealed that our dear, departed Andi is coming back to The Creek, and he’s super nervous to see her. During the exchange, Pacey mentions that Joey is totally going to be a cock block/accompany him to pick Andi up at the looney bin. Dawson is totally cool with that, which, why wouldn’t he be? He’s the one that asked Pacey to keep an eye on her. Anyway, Pacey switches the subject to Eve, the hot blond from last episode. Dawson hasn’t seen her since the party. Pacey thinks that’s a damn shame, as she seemed like seemed like a DTF slut who would’ve been perfect as Dawson’s mopey rebound. As if from nowhere, Eve suddenly emerges and pulls Dawson into a closet, where they start making out.
After making out for a few seconds, Dawson asks what the fuck she’s doing there. Apparently she’s a student, which is asking me to suspend reality a little too much. She keeps tongue fucking Dawson, who acts as his own cock block by making her stop so that he can tell her that he doesn’t really know her. She offers some more cryptic allusions to fucking him and then leaves.
After willing his erection away, Dawson leaves the closet too (tee hee), only to run into Bro Dad and the principal. They’ve personally selected Dawson for some stupid project for their pep rally, but don’t tell him what it is, instead opting to make him wait until a meeting later that day. You already have his attention, just fucking tell him! Dawson protests and Bro Dad reminds him that he really can’t since he had a raging stripper party. Tough but fair.
Mr. McPhee is visiting with Grams, Jack and Jen and tells Jack that Andi is cured. That’s…not how mental illness works, you guys. After that uplifting news, Jack asks if they’re going to pull him from The Creek and Mr. McPhee tells him there’s no way he can support his homosexual lifestyle, so he has to stay. Cold. Jack is understandably offended and tells him to get the fuck outta Gram’s house.
At the looney bin, the receptionist won’t let Pacey in to surprise Andi because it’s a day before she’s supposed to be released, he’s not immediate family, and it’s after visiting hours. All legit reasons, if you ask me. Pacey mopes around and Joey tells him she has an idea. What’s that idea? She pretends that she’s totally crazy and needs to talk to a doctor, distracting the receptionist so that Pacey can sneak in. So fucking clever!
So that project that Dawson’s wrapped up in is a film for the pep rally focused on the football team. They’re super shitty, as evidenced by the fact that they haven’t scored in three seasons. That’s almost impossible, but whatever. Dawson doesn’t want to do it because school spirit is lame and compares the principal to a Nazi. That’s kind of extreme, man. After seeing Eve walking outside, he agrees to do it just to shut the principal the fuck up.
After chasing down Eve, Dawson tells her that he doesn’t want to keep chasing her. He makes some offhanded remark that compares Eve to Joey and she asks if he’s over her. He tells her he is, and she calls him a liar, but likes his dishonesty because it turns her on. Right. Now that Dawson lied to her, she tells him she’s totally ready to fuck him, and he gets all whiny about how he wants to take her on a proper date and stuff. She makes fun of him for being so romantic when all she wants is to get stuffed, so he agrees to it. She tells him she gets to decide the time and place. Guys, have you picked up that she’s a horny slut yet?
Having ingeniously outsmarted the receptionist Pacey finds Andi and some dude hanging out in her room. She’s clearly flustered by the surprise and tells the other dude they’ll talk soon. There’s clearly some awkward tension in the air. She tells Pacey she’s glad he’s there when Joey shows up. How? I have no fucking idea. Maybe she pulled a “Look over there!” and ran off. They start packing Andi’s shit and are apparently just going to stroll right out of the joint.
Jen, having been selected as head cheerleader, has the team doing these pessimistic cheers about how their team blows. During her exchange with Jack, an errant pass comes flying at him and he successfully makes the catch. Jimmy Darmody is the second string quarterback and is hassling Coach Bro Dad about how he should be allowed to start. Another errant pass goes flying at a butthurt-about-his-dad’s-rejection Jack, which he catches again. Is salvation at hand?!
Dawson’s at a pharmacy stocking up on Advil and power bars, because apparently his first time is going to be a marathon session. I’m surprised he doesn’t have Gatorade and lube. The cashier asks him if there’s anything else he needs and Dawson sheepishly asks for condoms. The cashier asks him to speak up, and when he asks a second time, he shouts that condoms aren’t behind the register, they’re down Aisle 2. You embarrassed Dawson, so you’re awesome.
As Dawson looks at the array of condoms before him, some guy walks up and gives Dawson advice about the different kinds of condoms out there. Some other guy comes up and chimes in and then an old lady comes up and tells him to buy one that will “really blow her mind”. Gross. Dawson is clearly uncomfortable, and so am I.
Outside the mental health facility, Pacey asks about the guy. His name is Mark and he’s Andi’s friend. He starts acting weird about it, and explains that he’s kind of jealous of Mark. He asks Andi what they should for her first night back and, as predicted, Joey shows up to throw water on any plans they attempt to make.
So Jimmy Darmody somehow convinced Jack, who caught two passes, mind you, into playing wide receiver for the team. We get a montage with shitty Prodigy-esque techno of Jack making all kinds of crazy catches because why wouldn’t he be a natural? The funny thing about this scene is that he’s doing it all while wearing his nice clothes.
So they couldn’t give him five minutes to change? What if he ruins his cargo shorts? Anyway, everyone is super impressed by how good Jack is at football.
At school the next day(?), Andi is acting withdrawn and strange around Pacey. Seeing as they haven’t fucked in months, he really wants to spend time alone with her and she keeps spurning his advances. She obviously doesn’t want to be alone with him, and he calls her on it because now he has to go to the stupid pep rally with Joey. Also, since when have Andi and Joey been friends?
Coach Bro Dad finds Jack and tells him he has to be join the team. Not asks him; tells him. Jack is mortified at the idea because he thinks that being gay will put a big target on his back. Coach Bro Dad gives this speech about how the team is shitty and that watching Jack catch passes made him see a chance for a personal win. A win that he really needs and thinks Jack needs too.
Jen shows up at Dawson’s while he’s loading up his car with all his film equipment and finds his condoms. She’s hella surprised that Dawson has been cutting loose and asks how he plans on fucking Eve. Dawson has no clue what she’s talking about, so she gives him all these tips on pacing using ice cream as an analogy. It gets kind of weird, especially when you realize they’re supposed to be 16. Has watching this show inadvertently put me on a government watch list?
So the pep rally is at night, I guess. Mine always took place at school during the day, but sure. Coach Bro Dad introduces the team, and everyone is super shocked to see Jack take the stage. After Jimmy Darmody is introduced as the starting quarterback (Wait, what? That was a quick decision), he trips coming up the stairs. We get this quick moment of cutesy interaction between him and Jen where he takes her pompom instead of the football. How adorable. Meanwhile, Pacey keeps trying to get Andi to leave, and she definitely doesn’t want to, so Pacey pulls her out into the hallway to have words with her.
After introducing the team, Dawson’s stupid movie starts. He’s hanging backstage behind the projection screen when Eve shows up. It’s bonin’ time!
Pacey freaks the fuck out at Andi, because that’s absolutely something you should do to someone who was just discharged from a mental health facility. He’s tired of her shady ass shit and wants to know if she wants to break up. She doesn’t. She starts explaining to him that, “A lot happened this summer”, and tells this vague story about how she was scared and didn’t think she was sane, and then she met Mark, the dude from earlier at the facility, who was scared too. They got along really well and long story short, they fucked. She’s more diplomatic than that, obviously. Pacey is understandably shocked and probably kind of pissed when she tells him that she never intended on telling him, but needs his forgiveness. He tells her to fuck off and storms out of the school.
Eve has her hands down Dawson’s pants, and he starts giggling like a little bitch. As they’re making out, Dawson leans on a button that starts to raise the screen that the movie is being projected onto. Fortunately, he hits a different button that lowers the screen again. He’s managed to get her shirt off when he hits the button again, this time raising the screen completely to show he and Eve mid-foreplay in front of the whole school. At first everyone is kind of shocked, then they start cheering. Dawson takes a bow and Bro Dad laughs about it.
Seriously. What the fuck? I don’t think any parent ever wants to imagine their kids fucking, let alone actually see it. Yet this show has had so many fucking instances of Dawson walking in on his parents fucking and being cool with it. And now there’s a reversal of that. Hell, Jen’s dad catching her is the entire reason she’s even in The Creek in the first place. What is with the writers and their propensity for watching others bone? It’s frankly become a bizarre trope at this point.
Also, there’s absolutely no way Dawson didn’t have a massive erection that he’d have been waving like a flag to the student body.
Anyway, everyone’s cheering, Dawson takes a bow and makes eye contact with Joey, who looks fucking pissed.
So after the school clears out, Eve approaches Dawson on stage again. It should be noted that she never put her shirt back on, which makes total sense. She asks him if he’d like to try again, and he tells her no, because he wants to pop his cherry for all the right reasons, not just to get it out of the way. He just doesn’t understand her being comfortable with sex. She tells him that his eyes are the reason she wants to bang him and gives him her elusive last name, but tells him he’ll have to earn her phone number.
Joey finds Pacey stewing in his car and tells him that he needs to talk to Andi. He tells her to go fuck herself because he’s fucking pissed. Joey tells him that he at least needs to hear her out and try to forgive her because everyone makes mistakes and we all need forgiveness. She’s clearly alluding to her relationship with Dawson going down in flames so horribly that he’s fucking other people in front of her when she tells Pacey that if he doesn’t forgive Andi, he’s going to wake up one day and she’ll be gone.
Mr. McPhee was also in attendance at the pep rally and congratulates Jack on doing something hetero for once. He tells Jack that seeing him on stage made him realize that he was wrong, because he totally saw himself in Jack (tee hee!), and asks him to come home. Jack tells him that he didn’t think he should have to join the football team for his dad to value him, so he’s going to stay in The Creek. As a dejected Mr. McPhee walks away, Jack asks him to ask again at some point in the future.
Pacey finds Andi at their spot next to the water. You know, where they had their first kiss and danced the night away? Andi, inappropriately bordering on defensive, tells Pacey that she apologized and she doesn’t know what else to say. Yeah, an apology is all that’s needed to fix someone’s obliterated heart, honey! Pacey tells her that he thinks she took their relationship for granted and that she clearly didn’t see the power it had over him, making him want to get better grades and stuff. When she got sick, though, he started to think that the love he had for her wasn’t enough, and if he felt like that the first time, he’s definitely not going to feel better about it a second time around. He tells her that she done goofed, because even if he could forgive her, he can’t forget what happened.
Dawson gets home and finds Joey chilling on his dock. He asks what she’s doing there and she says she doesn’t really know. He tells her that they can’t go back (to the island?), and she agrees. She starts explaining that she thinks she was meant to see Dawson doing boners on stage because it helped her realize that she really does need to move on. Yeah, bitch. You do. Dawson tells her that while he loves her, he doesn’t need her anymore. Despite that seeming to be kind of a harsh statement, Joey asks him to define their relationship. They’re “Dawson and Joey”, Dawson remarks, giving Joey a necklace and sitting with her in silence. I don’t know if I can do this again.
I genuinely feel bad for whatever sock or towel Dawson jacks into that night.
3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons