Season 3, Episode 1: Like a Virgin

Annnnnnnnd we’re back!

Over the sounds of some really bangin’ hard rock, we see a bus driving to Cape Cod.  Turns out that the cock rock is being listened to by none of than our favorite whiny boy, Dawson, who’s asleep on the aforementioned bus.  Some blonde hottie is sitting next to him and wakes him up, because he’s been drooling like a little baby.  She makes fun of him a bit more, before changing her mind and finding him adorable because he’s watching Risky Business.  Sure, whatever.  Over a few more traded pleasantries, it becomes apparent that she’s hitting on him, so I’m starting to assume that this is some weird dream of his.

1

We never learn, as we fast forward to the next day after the credits.  Through some exposition, we learn that it’s the first day of school, and some douche didn’t show up to The Ice House on time, so Joey’s going to be late!  I guess a summer is enough time to rebuild a burned down shithole.  The new guy gives her shit right back, and I think I have a new favorite character.

Through some more exposition, Pacey fills us all in on the fact that Dawson was in Philadelphia all summer and that he and Joey haven’t spoken to each other since their breakup over him forcing her to narc on her father.  Pacey thinks that maybe time has healed the wounds.  Dawson tells him that he just wants to exist and that they’re probably better off without each other.  After two fairly nasty breakups, I’m inclined to agree with Dawson.  Bro Dad walks into the room and tells Dawson that he’s off to some football coaching conference, because that’s a thing.

It bears mentioning that Dawson’s hair is fucking wacky.

2

There’s some assembly at school and OH MY FUCKING GOD, A BLACK GUY!

3

The black guy is the new principal.  Given how pasty the demographic of this show has been, I’m surprised the first appearance of a minority on this show wasn’t crime related.  Anyway, Dawson is clearly dreading the fact that he may run into Joey.  As he and Pacey are talking about it, the principal calls Pacey out and embarrasses him in front of the student body, sort of, before throwing a Saturday detention his way.

Jack and Jen, still too cool for school (not literally, since that’s where they are), are making fun of people for wanting to cheerlead.  Some bitch named Belinda is being a real cunt about it too, and rather than join her in mocking others for wanting to be cheerleaders, Jen signs up for tryouts.  Sure.

4

Dawson sees Joey in the hallway and freaks the fuck out, asking Pacey to get him the fuck out of there.  Looks like Dawson isn’t cool with simply existing.

Bessie wants to know how things went at school for Joey in regards to Dawson.  Joey’s exhausted, but makes up some bullshit story about how everything was totes cool between the two of them.  Bessie’s overjoyed, because she thinks that Joey and Dawson are totally made for each other.  Again, two nasty breakups would indicate otherwise, but what the fuck do I know?

5

So apparently Pacey’s idea of a safe space is a strip club.  In the middle of the school day.  This town has the loosest morals.  In keeping with the theme of lax alcohol laws in The Creek, Pacey orders a couple beers.  Fuck it; I’m done bitching about this.  Anyway, Pacey tells Dawson that his goal for the year is to get Dawson laid.  Ooh, look at this badass.  Gets his dick wet and is suddenly an expert in getting others laid.  Their stripper/server comes back and asks Dawson if he remembers her, taking off her wig to reveal that it’s the blonde hottie from the bus earlier.  What a twist!

Apparently another day of school passed with Dawson able to avoid Joey.  We also learn that Dawson gave the stripper his phone number, but doubts that she’ll call.  They go in the house and find the stripper hanging out in his living room, which isn’t alarming at all.  Dawson stutters and sputters that he can’t believe that this is all going on.  The stripper tells Dawson she wanted to take him up on his offer for a date.  Pacey suggests that Dawson take her out on Bro Dad’s boat.

6

Belinda, the cunty cheerleader from earlier, continues being a raging bitch to some chick who’s trying out, essentially calling her a fatass.  After publicly shaming that girl, it’s Jen’s turn to take a shot.  However, it was all a clever ruse.  Instead, Jen grabs the mic (apparently a mic is involved in cheerleading in The Creek?  I don’t know.  Shut up), and throws a massive heaping of shade at Belinda, calling her a mindless, soulless wench.  Everyone applauds and I feel like it was a wasted opportunity not having Jen drop the mic.

7

The douchey guy from earlier walks in on Joey changing, but doesn’t seem to care.  Don’t know why I felt the need to include that sentence.

Despite his initial reservation, Dawson decided to take the stripper out on Bro Dad’s boat.  She tells Dawson that he should take his shirt off, which he thankfully never does.  He’s super nervous, you guys.  Apparently, underage, nerdy white guys who get erections over a strong breeze are her thing.  She tells him that fear makes life more fun.  Dawson asks her to tell him more about herself, and she changes the subject.  She knows he’s a virgin, again, probably evidenced by how easily he pops boners, and starts making out with him.  I’m honestly having a hard time suspending reality at this point.  After more prying, she reveals that her name is Eve and starts to go down on Dawson.

8

You thought I was joking?

And wouldn’t you know it, he crashes the fucking boat!  Right in front of The Ice House!  Gee whiz, you guys!  Naturally, Joey is there, and she’s throws some shade at Dawson, telling him she thought she knew him.

Apparently the new douchey guy is an insurance appraiser in addition to a waiter, because he tells Dawson that the boat is going to cost $3,000 to fix.  Dawson tells Eve that his life is over and she tells him that it could be worse.  She realizes that Dawson is pissed at her and tells her that that’s fucked, because she didn’t make him take his dad’s boat out.  She tells Dawson he needs to blow his load so that maybe he’ll be a little less uptight.  He tells her that having fun isn’t really in his nature.  No shit.

9

Back at school, everyone is acting weird towards Jen.  She opens her locker and finds a pompom.  Not just any pompom, mind you, but the pompom that belongs to the head cheerleader.  Because that’s how the real world works; try out for something poorly, and get promoted to the position that typically goes to the most talented person.

Bessie calls Joey out on lying to her about Dawson.  Joey thinks that Dawson is acting weird.  Bessie asks if Joey is jealous of Eve and she denies it.  So what, Joey wants Dawson back now?  Ugh.  I cannot even.

10

Dawson is freaking the fuck out because there’s no way he’ll be able to cobble together $3,000 to fix the boat.  Even if he did, the repairs would still take a day or two, so Bro Dad would more than likely find out about the accident.  Whatever.  Eve shows up with $400 that she and the other strippers opted to donate to Dawson.  I do not understand this lady’s attraction to a teenage boy.  Seriously, what’s with the producers’ propensity toward writing statutory rape?  It’s weird.  Dawson gives the money back and Pacey proposes that they throw a party.  Not just any party, mind you, but a stripper party for all the teenage guys in The Creek.  It’s kind of bizarre how many times he says “teenage boys will come”.  I’m sure that isn’t some kind of double entendre.

11

The line for the party is fucking huge.  They even hired a bouncer.  Stupid Risky Business.  This inane plot is all your fucking fault.  Dawson is being a wet blanket and not having any fun, naturally, so he excuses himself to his room.

And wouldn’t you know it, Joey’s in his room!  She immediately apologizes for everything that happened with her dad.  Dawson tells her that she should’ve called, and she admits that she was too ashamed of how everything went down.  She asks if Dawson missed her, and he tells her that he did.  She reciprocates that sentiment.  She tells him that it’s a new year and that things can be different, and takes her shirt off.  Dawson looks as stunned as I am.  Seriously, this whole episode has to be a wet dream of Dawson’s, right?  No other fucking explanation at this point.

12

Bewbs…

Anyway, Joey tries to kiss Dawson and he stops her.  For the second time in the series, she tells him that she can be sexual and that he can go to hell, because it’s not her fault he’s still a virgin.  Actually, it kinda is, honey.  You had the power to take his V Card on multiple occasions.  Dawson tells her that while he loves her, he can’t go through the pain of a breakup again, even if she promises that it will be different this time.  She pouts and leaves after essentially boiling his feelings down to loving her, but not wanting her.  Hell, if I had to choose between a hot blonde who wanted to jump my bones and a miserable, prude shrew, I know which way I’d go.

The stripper party is still raging, and I’m honestly surprised that I haven’t heard “Dammit” by Blink-182 yet.  God knows they’ve used it for every other party scene.  Pacey stops the raging to give a speech, and tells everyone that they raised $3,162, which you’ll notice is not a multiple of $20, the entree fee.  Everyone cheers, and they open the party to the public.  I guess that means girls.

13

Eve tries to pull Dawson away from the party to fuck him and he admits that he’s stalling because he’s too afraid to bang her.  After some more coaxing, she convinces him to meet her on the dock in a few minutes.

Since Dawson isn’t having fun, Pacey isn’t allowed to either.  Dawson pulls him aside and tells him that Joey wants him back.  He admits that he wants her too, but doesn’t think that it’s the right time for them to be back together.  He then asks a less than enthused Pacey to keep an eye on Joey, which Pacey eventually agrees to.

14

Dawson finds Eve on the docks with a boat that she borrowed from her boss.  Speaking of, her boss can’t be too pleased that all his girls are out giving high school boys erections as a charity case.  She asks Dawson to go for a ride and as he’s about answer, we hear Bro Dad shouting for Dawson.  Uh oh, looks like Dawson’s in trouble.  Eve again tells Dawson to get in the boat, because the damage is already done and he’s fucked with a capital F, so it’s not like he can get in any more trouble.  Dawson decides that he can’t go and watches as she speeds off across The Creek.

Joey has a serious case of the sads and is moping on the dock outside her house when Pacey shows up in a rowboat.  She tells him to fuck off and he tells her to chill the fuck out, because Dawson did the right thing by telling her they needed time apart.  She asks him what the fuck he would know about it, and he gives this little speech about knowing how she feels because letting go is fucking hard and stuff.  She starts crying into Pacey’s shoulder as he hugs her and we fade to black.

15

I wish I could say that it was good to be back.

Rating

Crying Dawson Scale

 

 

 

 

3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons

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