Since she hasn’t already suffered enough, Dawson is screening Cornball Movie 2: Boo Freakin’ Hoo for Gail. It ends and she’s all, “OMG, Dawson, I loved that! You’re such a visionary!” and Dawson tells her that she’s full of shit, because she’s his mom and is totally biased, which is probably true. He’s still butthurt about his teacher eviscerating his movie and feels like a massive failure. Gail tells him to keep his chin up, and never lose hope. She then asks about Bro Dad, admitting that she really misses him. Dawson tells her to follow her own advice regarding chins being kept up and she halfheartedly says “Maybe”.
Joey’s dad, aka Mr. Potter, is making breakfast and is really happy to be home. He tells Joey that he’s not going anywhere, which I’m sure has nothing to do with the conditions of his parole or anything. Through some exposition, we learn that Bessie has agreed to cater a wedding, because catering weddings and owning a diner are totally the same thing. This job is going to get them out of debt or some shit, and Mr. Potter tells Joey that she shouldn’t worry, because they’re a family again and can ruin someone’s special day together.
Since they need extra wait staff for the wedding, Joey’s asking her completely inexperienced friends to fill in. Jack is on board. When Joey mentions her dad’s return, Jack is understandably caught off guard. He asks if she’s cool with the situation and Joey unconvincingly and insincerely says she is. Jack sees right through this bullshit and Joey admits that she’s freaking the fuck out about this wedding, because she doesn’t think it’s the right time or platform to reintroduce her father to The Creek, what with all the rich assholes who’ll be in attendance. Jack tells her that she needs to talk to him about it.
Dawson is all pissy that Bro Dad and the film teacher are flirting when Jack shows up and asks them to help with the wedding. Dawson agrees to help, but is surprised to learn that Mr. Potter is back in town. He learns this from Jack. Given how sensitive and bitchy he’s been lately, I’m sure this won’t cause him any kind of insecurity.
Jen is suddenly ready to be friends with Abby again. You see, Jen’s going crazy because she’s frustrated and bored in The Creek, and Abby is the only person who knows how to cut loose without getting a face full of cake. Abby understands Jen’s plight and agrees to help her find some fun that weekend. These two’s friendship is as bipolar as everyone else on this show.
Pacey is trying unsuccessfully to convince Andi to help with the wedding. They’re totally going to make $60 each, you guys! Actually, for 3-4 hours work, that ain’t too shabby. If they both work, they can totally go on a completely unrealistic trip to NYC, including carriage ride, a show and a nice dinner, because apparently Pacey time warped from 1904. Andi tells Pacey that she thinks weddings are bullshit, so Pacey proposes that they wager their earnings on the fact that he can change her mind and turn her into a romantic.
Mr. Potter asks Joey about Dawson, because he thought for sure he’d be banging her by now, and she tells him it’s a long story. Since he’s like a trained dog and always shows up when his name is mentioned, Dawson suddenly appears and tells Joey that both his parents are going to this wedding, because why not? He asks her how she’s doing with her dad’s sudden reappearance and she says she’s okay with it. However, a few ladies gossiping about what a shithead he was a few seconds later lead to her storming off, so I’m not so sure that’s the case.
Since Joey’s number one quality is being a bitch, she’s obviously great at ordering everyone around at the wedding. Dawson corners her and tells her that he’s worried about her, and she’s totally fine. Except for the fact that she definitely isn’t.
Gail finds Dawson and asks if Bro Dad has arrived yet. You see, she’s going to use the romance of the wedding as a way to get him back. The universe hears this and is all, “Stupid, silly woman!” as Bro Dad shows up to the wedding with Dawson’s hot film teacher. Gail is obviously upset.
Pacey is waxing romantic vis-a-vis weddings and Andi is having none of his shit. She thinks that weddings are lies and make people liars who pretend their families aren’t fucked up or some shit. They go back and forth and she gets super pissed, and, in a fit of spastic nerdery, accidentally throws the top of the cake on the floor.
Dawson, for whatever reason, is sent to fetch the bride, who apparently doesn’t have a wedding party to do that for him. He finds her and she is fuh-reaking the fuck out. She tells him that she’s totally bailing on the wedding because she isn’t sure if she loves the groom, which is a really confusing prospect to Dawson.
Abby and Jen are hanging out in Jen’s room, and now Abby is the one who’s bored. She proposes their usual staple of booze and boys to get them out of their slump. Jen mentions the wedding and is all butthurt that no one invited her to help out, so Abby proposes crashing the wedding as a way to get back at them. That’s not really fair to the bride and groom, you selfish pricks.
Dawson, proving that he’d make a terrible suicide hotline operator, tells the bride to make up her fucking mind. Jack shows up and offers to help and Dawson’s all, “What can you do, gay ball?”. They go back in to find that the bride has blown the coop! Just kidding, she’s taking a massive dump.
Back in the kitchen, Joey is freaking out at Bessie, telling her they’re in over their heads. Well, what do you propose, Joey? Going out and telling the bride and groom that you guys are out? You’re kinda committed at this point. Speaking of, where’s master culinary expert Bodie? I know he went to take a cooking course or something, but that was a long time ago. Couldn’t he swing by The Creek for a weekend, see his kid, and maybe help them out?
Anyways, Joey is going on and on about how everything is so fucked up and Bessie tells her to cool her shit; everything’s fine now that their dad is back. Joey finally snaps and says that their dad can’t fix shit because he’s an ex-con scumbag, causing Bessie to bail. Why? Because poor Mr. Potter was standing behind Joey the whole time.
Being forced to wait for the bride, everyone is getting super impatient and, wait, was that Tom Skerritt in the wedding party!?
Jack really wants to help the bride, who is mostly freaking because she isn’t sure that the groom is her soul mate. Jack tells her there’s no such thing as perfect love as Dawson listens on in bemusement. He tells the bride that if she loves him, she shouldn’t walk away, and convinces her to get married. Hooray!
So the bride goes through with the wedding. During the course of the ceremony, Bro Dad and Gail make eyes at each other, as do Dawson and Joey. Both parties just need to fuck already.
After the ceremony, the bride thanks Jack for actually trying to help her instead of rushing her into a decision hastily, Dawson. After she leaves, Dawson asks Jack what his secret is, and Jack tells him he needs to just shut his mouth and listen to people once in a while. Immediately ignoring those words, Dawson starts lamenting the fact that Jack is the new Dawson to Joey, and Jack tells him that he needs to chill, because they’re clearly soul mates. Dawson and Joey, not Jack and Dawson. He tells Dawson that he’s the only person in The Creek who knows her history and what she’s going through, and if he’d just try to connect with her, he might be surprised what happens.
Somehow, Pacey’s managed to fuck up the cake even worse. It honestly looks like he dumped water on it or something to make it more pliable. Andi stalls the bride and groom, making up some bullshit excuse about it being bad luck to see your cake early. The bride counters that it’s bad luck to not have the top of the cake to eat on your first anniversary because it represents your marriage. I did that. It was fucking disgusting. Cake doesn’t hold up well in a freezer, yo. This leads to Andi freaking out even more because she’s sure they cursed the new couple’s marriage and Pacey wants to know why she even gives a shit. She feels bad and Pacey manages to deduce that she IS a romantic after all! Oh how nice!
Now that she’s thoroughly made him feel like shit, Joey’s ready to talk to her dad. He apologizes, because fuck him, and says he never took into consideration how his reappearance might fill her with shame. She tells him that things have changed since he was locked up, and maybe they should pump the brakes on public appearances for right now. Was he like the former mayor or something? Who the fuck cares if he tries to go back to living some semblance of a normal life, Joey? He tells her that he feels like a failure to her, and walks away. No seriously, she doesn’t say anything back to him.
Gail asks Dawson who Bro Dad is with/fucking, and Dawson calls her his “mortal enemy”. Dude, take a pill. Bro Dad comes over and introduces his date, who immediately bails because why would she stay in that awkward situation? Dawson asks why Bro Dad is trying to ruin his life and Bro Dad plays the “We’re just colleagues” card. He tells Dawson that he needs to fucking deal with it, then apologizes for putting him in the middle of an awkward situation.
Now it’s Jen’s turn to be bored at the wedding, where apparently no one gives a shit that two clearly high school aged girls are swigging champagne. Andi tells them to get the fuck out because they weren’t invited, so Abby snags another bottle of champagne and proposes coming back later when everyone is shit housed so they can steal a husband away from his wife. Because she’s a giant slut, remember?
Dawson finds Joey in the kitchen and pesters her, because he knows she’s been crying. She confesses that she’s afraid that her dad is going to hurt her again and she’ll have to rebuild herself, just like she did three years ago. Dawson tells her that she might be overreacting, but that it’s okay to have reservations about jailbird fathers. He tells her that she’s strong and shouldn’t let gossipy assholes bring her down. She totally has Dawson, and now her dad, to keep her strong. They hug.
Looks like everything is going well at the wedding. Given that she doesn’t have a reason to freak out anymore, she approaches her dad once more and bores him with the story of the day he was arrested and some gossipy bitch she overheard in the bathroom. It didn’t bother her because she’s tough, something she learned from him, which I guess is enough to make her proud of him. But she asks him not to pretend with her. I have no idea what she means by that, but she makes him start crying when she tells him loves him. In between tears, he tells Joey that she was right; they do need to pump the brakes on his assimilation back into society because he’s not ready to celebrate yet.
Pacey and Andi reluctantly wheel the cake out to the bride and groom. Despite the fact that the top looks like complete and utter dog shit, they both think it looks beautiful, so those two assholes dodged a bullet.
Abby and Jen are completely wasted, prowling the docks for man meat. They laugh about how pathetic the idea of marriage is to their slutty selves, and, in an odd moment of self-awareness, Abby reveals that she doesn’t think she’ll ever be happy. The thought doesn’t last long as she tries to polish of the remainder of the champagne and falls off her chair, bumping her head on a post.
As Jen laughs, Abby tells her that this shit isn’t funny, then abruptly falls over the side of the dock into the water…
Holy shit! Jen does an action hero jump off the dock into the water after her!
Gail is totally eye fucking Bro Dad from across the room, so Dawson asks her if she’d like to dance. As they dance, Dawson tells her she needs to stay tenacious, essentially reiterating her advice from the start of the episode when he was bitching about his stupid fucking movie.
Jack approaches Joey and tells her the wedding was a success. Just then, Mr. Potter shows up wearing a suit that he somehow procured in 5 minutes. Did he kill a wedding guest? He gives Joey a rose and asks her if she’d like to dance. Everyone is having a great time, and he passes Joey off to Dawson so that he can dance with Gail.
Joey thanks Dawson for being a friend and helping her out. She tells him that she loves him, and he reciprocates, and they start making out, right there on the dance floor. Yay?
Jack, nearby, looks happy for them.
Holy shit, Abby’s in a body bag!? What the fuck did you do, Jen? Jesus, she’s totally going to be really fucked up from here on out.
3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons