Season 2, Episode 17: Psychic Friends

We open on a shot of Joey crying while watching some movie.  Dawson asks her what she thought, and I’m assuming it was his piece of shit Cornball Movie 2: The Creek Swallows You.  She tells him that the movie is enlightening and inspiring.  Dear God, no.  Don’t encourage him, Joey.  She then makes a remark about how it’s “Jack’s movie”, and Dawson panics when he realizes that the sticker on the cassette does, in fact, say Jack McPhee.  Just then, Jack shows up and tells Joey that Spielberg just offered him a job.  Ohhhhh, I get it.  It’s a dream!  Clever.  Jack proposed to Joey, who agrees, despite Dawson’s insistence that Jack is gay.  They leave and he starts screaming, waking himself up screaming in the process.

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I’ve got to give it to the writers; I’m amazed it took this long to write in a lazy dream/nightmare sequence.

Apparently there’s a hot new film teacher.  What happened to the other guy?  Did we skip ahead to another school year or something, because Jen is now in Dawson’s study hall/film class.  The teacher asks some question about some movie they watched and Dawson remarks that the best characters are ambiguous, balancing an inner darkness with light.  Holy shit, is Dawson going to Columbine Cape Side High?

After class, Jen calls out Dawson’s hard on for the new teacher.  Before he can object, Bro Dad shows up.  Wait, what?  When did this happen?  Dawson, being a teenager, is embarrassed by his dad’s newly found gainful employment as a substitute teacher.  Bro Dad tells Dawson that he looks like shit and asks if he’s still having nightmares.  Dawson, ever the bastion of someone grounded in reality, confesses that he’s lost all optimism in his life and Bro Dad expresses concern for not recognizing his son.

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Joey rates guys for Jack, because apparently he hasn’t grasped his new sexuality in a timely enough manner for her.  He’s not interested anyway.  She admits that she’s bored.  There’s a difference between being bored and being boring, Joey.  Get it straight (no pun intended).  Jack addresses how weird their situation is, being broken up besties, but says that it doesn’t bother him.  Apparently it doesn’t bother her either.

Andi is ragging on Pacey to be something called “Skip the Safety Dog” at the fair.  Being a cool kid, he’s not interested.  She also admits that she wants to visit the fortune teller and Pacey tells her that fortune tellers are for suckers.  She tries one last time to get him to play Skip by whispering something in his ear that convinces him to agree.  Gee, I wonder if it was something sexual…

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At the fair, Joey and Jack are hanging out, but she’s super distracted.  Jack asks her what’s up, and she says that she misses kisses.  How fucking long ago did Jack come out?  This show and their wonky timelines.  Joey is pining for another kiss, and of course, Dawson shows up right then and there.  Looks like he’s helping hot film class teacher with something at the fair.  I wish it was a dunking booth.  After he leaves, Jack remarks that Dawson’s been really moody lately and Joey’s all, “Yeah, he’s just being Dawson,” and Jack tells her that he thinks Dawson will try to get her back eventually.  No shit.

So Skip the Safety Dog is just a puppet.  That fucking sucks.  I was really hoping that Pacey would be dressed up in a Space Balls-esque Barf costume.  Andi really wants to go to the fortune teller, and Pacey tells her that he’s worried about her because the power of suggestion is dangerous.

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Well, someone went to the fortune teller, because here we are.  But it’s Joey and Jack who are willing to shell out for a $5 fortune.  Initially, the fortune teller gives her some bogus reading about her art.  Yawn.  Then, suddenly a wind rushes in and blows out the candle and the fortune teller tells Joey that there’s pain in her past that cuts her off from new adventures.  Is that what we’re calling “personality” these days?  To counter this, she must say “Yes” to everything going forward and must follow her heart at an upcoming fork in the road.  So, you know, more standard fortune teller fare.  She also reveals that a tall, dark stranger will be coming into her life soon.  More clichés.

Bro Dad shows up and starts embarrassing Dawson in front of hot teacher, fluffing his balls about his stupid, shitty movies.  After she leaves, Dawson starts gushing over her and her credentials, saying he feels inspired by her.  At the same time, he’s intimidated by her.  Well, sounds like she’s out your league professionally and physically, buddy.  Bro Dad asks what Dawson’s new movie is about and is completely unsurprised that it’s a romance.

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Joey is pissed about the fortune teller, for some reason.  As they approach her art, she notices a tall, dark stranger checking out her exhibit who admits that he likes them.  He must be new to the English language, because they suck.  Jack is appalled when Joey says she’s not interested, because she’s still trying to “find herself”, even though she admits that she has no idea what that even means anymore.  God, Joey, you’ve let this idea percolate for so long that it’s ruined relationships.  Maybe it’s time to define what it is you’re looking for.  After some coaxing, she agrees to go back and talk to the stranger as a way of following the fortune teller’s advice.

Grams and Jen are at the fair, and Grams is sad about Ty.  Jen notices that some old dude is totally eye fucking Grams.  He finally gets up the gumption to come over and talk to her and apparently they went to high school together.  Grams ruins the moment by saying that she thought he was dead.  Despite the slight, he asks Grams out for dinner and she declines.  Jen is saddened by Grams’ lack of desire to get back on the horse and makes Grams feel awkward for not wanting to get it in again.  Ew.

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Joey approaches the stranger and compliments his photography work.  He offers to buy her hot chocolate.  Riveting stuff.

The film teacher apparently has a collection of old film canisters that haven’t deteriorated by 1999, not to mention a projector to show them on.  Dawson has a giant film school boner over it all and mentions that he’s working on Cornball Movie 2.  He asks her if she’d watch it, because she clearly has nothing better to do, and she agrees to.

Joey is boring the hot guy who decides to shut her up by complimenting her and telling her she’s “unbelievably beautiful”.  You see, he’s a photographer, and he loves faces, so clearly he’s an expert on beauty.  He keeps complimenting her face and pawing at it, because he must be legally blind or something, and asks if he can photograph her.  If we don’t get a stupid montage, my name is mud.

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The old guy comes back and tells Grams he won’t take no for an answer.  She shoots him down, then, feeling bad, agrees to go.  She’s touched when he gives her a rose, then gets all sad after he leaves.  Jen asks what’s up, and she says that she wasn’t ready to revisit that part of her life again.  Which part?  Geriatric sex?  Feeling something for someone other than God?

While a bunch of kids give Pacey shit for having his hand up a puppet’s ass, Andi sneaks off to the fortune teller.  As she asks what her future holds, the candle goes out.  How ominous!  We cut to commercial, because, drama, and when we return, a very clearly rattled Andi is leaving the fortune teller’s tent.  I’m totally having another “What’s in the box!?” moment here, you guys.

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Joey is smitten with the idea of being photographed, but Jack is thinking what everyone else is thinking and thinks that this is kind of weird.  Seriously, she’s not that good looking.  Joey explains that he’s an artist, so there’s no way he’s going to rape her, and if he does, well at least she tried an adventure.  Jack decides to be a cock block and insists in going along.

Dawson is screening Cornball Movie 2 for a very clearly bored film teacher.  This excites me.

Jen is prepping Grams for her date and makes her and myself even more uncomfortable by discussing contraceptives.  Grams is appalled that Jen would mention such a thing, because she clearly has the early stages of Alzheimer’s.

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The photographer tells Joey she can wear whatever the fuck she wants, and Jack decides to make her look like a drag queen.  This sets off a montage.  Looks like my name remains intact.  In the process, Jack suddenly becomes an amateur photographer, jumping around with a camera and shouting out commands.  We see Joey in a variety of outfits and settings and everyone is having just so much fun, you guys.  In case we weren’t clear, the photographer say those exact words as he leans in to almost go for a kiss before backing off.

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Jen gussied Grams up for her date!  Good for her.

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Pacey approaches the fortune teller and asks why she’s such a cunt and can’t tell people nice things.  Rather than saying “I’m a fucking psychic, dumbass,” she tells him that people want the truth, even if they can’t handle it.  Pacey thinks she’s full of shit, and she tells him that he wears a mask to make himself feel confident and cocky, but inside is a “little boy” who lives in fear of losing it all.  I hope he doesn’t pay her for that observation.

Joey is all horned up by the photographer who totally blue balls her by asking if Jack is seeing anyone.  Ha!

Jack asks Joey if she sealed the deal and she tells him that the photographer (at this point I’m not even going to bother figuring out his name) is gay, which surprises Jack.  Joey tells him that he needs to develop better gayday, and isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?  You totally thought he wanted to fuck you, Joey!  She tells Jack that she set him up with the photographer and Jack storms off all pissed at her.

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Cornball Movie 2 ends, and Dawson wants to know what his teacher thought.  She tells him it was “fine”.  Oh man, here we go.  He keeps pushing and she finally tells him that it’s uninspired and emotionless.  But he wrote it about his super difficult and emotional life, lady!  He starts making excuses about how hard he worked and she essentially mocks the show, telling him his characters speak and behave unrealistically.  When he makes it obvious that he’s butt hurt, she tells him to toughen the fuck up, because Hollywood eats people like him alive.  Thank God, someone who’s willing to be honest with Dawson instead of sucking him off.  He’s crushed, obviously.

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Jack finds Joey and apologizes to her.  He’s just not ready to fully embrace being gay and is still adjusting.  Joey tells him that there’s still plenty of time for romance in both their lives, and he kisses her on her forehead.  Looks like she won’t have to wait forever for another kiss.

Dawson sees Bro Dad loading hot film teacher into his car.  Oh man, that has gotta hurt; your dad stuffing the woman who just emasculated you and crushed your dreams.  He looks around the fair and sees that everyone is happy.  Joey’s with Jack.  Other people are on rides.  He’s totally going to kill himself.

Pacey wants to know what the fuck the fortune teller told Andi.  She told Andi that things in her life are going to get worse long before they ever get better, which is bad news for Andi, who just wanted to hear that things were finally going to start getting better.  She says she can’t handle anymore unhappiness.  Seriously, if Andi kills herself, I’m going to be pissed.  Pacey tells her she needs to ignore that shit and believe in herself, because she’s a great gal.

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Joey tells the photographer that Jack isn’t coming.  He admits that maybe he came on too strong, as he’s just looking for a rebound at the moment.  Holy shit, being used as a rebound in your first relationship would’ve really fucked with Jack’s whole sexual identity.  Especially if he sees homosexuality as a lonely lifestyle.  I’m sure the writers have already forgotten that point from last episode, though.  Anyways, he’s sad because not only did he lose a relationship, he lost a friend and now’s he’s trying to fill both those voids with other dude’s butts.  He can’t even remember why they broke up at this point, and in case you’re too dumb to figure it out, the conversation is a parallel to Joey’s breakup with Dawson and she totally understands what he means.  Goddammit.  He leaves after telling Joey that he was too busy trying to move forward, and regrets that he can’t go back.  But Joey can!  Because Dawson told her he wants her back!  Fuck.

Jen finds Grams hanging by the fire.  Her date never showed up because his wife wasn’t feeling well.  Ouch.  Hang on.  If the dude was married, why did he tell her he wouldn’t take no for an answer?  That’s awfully pushy.  Maybe he’s a swinger.  Jen apologizes for pushing Grams so hard and Grams tells her that she thinks it was wonderful, because she feels like she might still have some life left in her ol’ bones and can meet new people and make new friends.  She tells Jen that sometimes she’s afraid of facing the future alone and Jen agrees with her.

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Dawson wants to talk to the fortune teller too.  You see, he has a completely bleak outlook on life, because he’s totally going to end up as a single, miserable failure.  She busts out some tarot cards, and wouldn’t you know it, the first one is his soul mate.  Shocker.  His soul mate is someone who knows him well.  They may be lost right now, but they can be found again.  Holy shit, is it Jack!?  Wouldn’t that be a twist?  Dawson laments that he might actually have to work to get his soul mate only to find that the fortune teller has vanished!

Now at home, Dawson is sulking in his room, snaps, and trashes Jack’s model of the town.  Hey now, Dawson, he worked really hard on that, dick!

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Joey is approaching the house, watching his window.  We cut back to him staring at her picture, calling her, then hanging up.  Joey watches as the light goes out and leaves as he sits in darkness like a pathetic emo kid.

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As Joey approaches her house, there’s a dark figure lurking on her porch.  She asks who it is, they turn, and it’s her jailbird father!  Was this the tall, dark stranger?  Tune in next week!

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Good God, these reviews are getting longer and longer.

Rating:

Crying Dawson Scale

3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons

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