Despite the fact that this is a serialized show, the producers still felt it necessary to explain that this is Part 2 of last week’s episode. With that in mind, I feel like I need to add my own commentary to a “Previously on…”. So here we go.
Previously on Dawson’s Creek:
Jack wrote a homoerotic poem.
Pacey spit in his dickhead teacher’s face.
Ty acted creepy and somehow managed to order martinis at a jazz club despite the fact that he’s clearly 15.
Dawson was there too. I think.
Alright, moving on.
Someone is watching Jerry Maguire in Dawson’s room. That someone turns out to be Pacey, who’s been serving out his suspension at Dawson’s to understandably avoid his asshole father. Dawson comes in with Pacey’s homework and is kind of a prick about their temporary living arrangement. They provide a little exposition, filling in what’s been happening in the last week; Jack is laying low. Andi and Pacey still haven’t spoken due to some perceived impasse in ideology. Dawson tells Pacey to man up and apologize and Pacey’s all, “No way! Bitch shoulda had my back!”, comparing himself to Jerry Maguire in the process. Fortunately, Dawson remembers how that movie ended and reminds him that Jerry lost everything and had to grovel his way back to the middle.
Jen and Ty are making out. Soooo, I guess they’re a couple now? She really is easy. Dawson shows up and remarks that Ty definitely doesn’t seem like he keeps suits made of human flesh and Jen, ever the romantic, asks Dawson if he wants to be third wheel on her date that night.
Everyone is still making fun of Jack for his gay poem, and it’s making Joey super mad. Jack remarks that they should fuck on the football field in front of everyone and somehow Joey’s head doesn’t explode. He takes off and Dawson asks Joey if she’d want to come to the club with Jack so that Dawson can be the fifth wheel instead. She tells him no, then makes him feel guilty by saying that they haven’t been having much fun lately. Hey, idiot, he just invited you to a “fun” night out. Dawson tells her that maybe she shouldn’t focus on fun, and should do something romantic for Jack instead. Right. Romance and Joey; two words that definitely don’t slam each other in the face with iron maces.
The teacher, believe it or not, is still a giant dick to Pacey. Spitting in his face probably has something to do with that. He gives Pacey back his poem, which he failed, and Pacey asks him for feedback. The teacher announces that he’s instituting a new grading policy, whereby grades will be given out at his discretion, effectively fucking Pacey for the remainder of the year. I always thought grades were sort of at the instructor’s discretion anyway, but what do I know?
Joey’s idea of a romantic evening is cooking a meal and serving it on a dock by The Creek, because pork loin and malaria pair wonderfully.
Pacey finally decides to talk to Andi. They haven’t spoken all week and we find out that it’s because she feels like he owes her an apology for making her life more difficult! Pacey tells her she’s full of shit and owes him an apology and the impasse continues when Andi tells him to fuck off.
Andi runs into Jack in the hallway on her way to the guidance counselor’s office and Jack remarks how strange that is, because he’s on his way to the counselor’s office too! What ever could they both be getting called down there for? Why, “Daddy!”, Andi exclaims. Jack seems far more reluctant to embrace his father.
Jack calls Joey and tells her that dinner is off because he has to go sort shit out with his dad. Joey seems sad, and makes a phone call, most likely to her BFF Dawson. Hang on, where’s Abby been? This entire situation seems rife for her to be a belligerent asshole, yet, no sign of her. Sad.
Sure enough, Joey called Dawson to tag along to the jazz club. Ty orders “The Usual”, which apparently has a ton of liquor in it, and that weird throbbing in my temples is back. Joey, true to character, orders a Coke instead. Ty gets called up on stage and everyone is shocked to learn that he can play piano! The three girls, er, Dawson and the two girls make self-deprecating jokes about their pathetic lives. Joey’s boyfriend might be gay. Dawson’s idea of a fun night out is sandwiching himself between his two exes, not in a sexy way. Jen’s boyfriend is a weird, hypocrite, alcoholic super Christian.
Pacey’s idea of a fun night out is researching teaching law at the local library. What are you up to, Pacey?
Andi will not shut the fuck up, prattling on about God knows what while Jack sits in sullen silence. Finally, their dad tells Andi to shove a cork in it and lets Jack know that he’s fucking furious that he had to be drug to The Creek over some stupid poem. He asks Jack if he’s gay, and tells him that it absolutely would be a problem if he was, especially now that Tim is dead. What? Was Tim like a bastion of heterosexuality in the McPhee family? I’m lost. He tells Jack that with his potential homosexuality being a problem, their family really doesn’t need anymore problems, so he’d better figure his shit out, and quickly. If you haven’t gathered, his dad is a dick too, because ancillary characters don’t need to be subtle or have nuance on this goddamn show.
Goddammit, now Dawson and Joey are dancing, apparently having a good time. Dawson remarks that Jack is missing out, which prompts Joey to ask if he thinks Jack is gay. She gets all sensitive about it, because she’s Joey, when Dawson tells her he’s not sure, because he doesn’t know Jack like she knows Dawson. She agrees. Welcome to the Friend Zone, Dawson.
Nearby, Ty tells Jen that he doesn’t get why Dawson and Joey broke up, especially since Joey did it for a “Fruit Fly”. Wow, that’s…new. Jen doesn’t understand, and Ty tells her that he’s definitely batting for the other team, which leads into a discussion about the nature of homosexuality and choices, and obviously, as a Christian, Ty thinks that homosexuality is nothing but a choice and Jack’s going to burn in hell unless he can get his head and dick into some poon. Jen is appalled.
Andi is fucking pissed at Jack for being a dick to her dad, telling him that he needs to appease him so that he’ll ultimately stay and they can be a family again. Jack tells her to stop being a pathetic lap dog, regaling him with constant stories about how great she is. She asks Jack why should wouldn’t want her dad to be proud of her and Jack tells her that’s fine, but is she proud of her dad? Deep.
Grams really likes Ty, but Jen is clearly pissed at him. Ty can read Jen like a book and asks her if she’s pissed that he doesn’t think homosexuality is cool. She asks him why he’s so narrow-minded and he goes off on a tangent about how gays are ruining the world, turning it into a modern day Sodom and Gomorrha. In a surprise move, Grams speaks up, telling Ty to shut the fuck up and keep his judgments to himself, because more than anything right now, Jack needs love and support from those around him. If she’d pulled a knife on him, that would’ve been awesome. Go Grams!
Dawson is walking Joey home and asks if she wants to talk. In what is now the most laughable line on this show, Joey asks if Dawson thinks she’s sexual. Hahahahaha. No! Cacti are more sexual than you, Joey. Jesus. She explains that she thinks that maybe Jack chose her because she’s safe, since she’s such a prude and won’t try any funny stuff with him. Dawson gives her this little speech about how she’s sexual and blossoming and is just “so sexy” because apparently he just met her. He tells her to maybe ask herself why she chose him rather than the other way around and smoothly exits. Friend Zoned!
Pacey was up all night studying teacher law and gives the principal a folder listing a variety of violations the asshole teacher is guilty of. He tells her that he got testimonies from 20 students (How? It’s like 7 AM and he’s clearly the first person at school) and mailed copies to all the school board members because he wants the teacher publicly reprimanded. The principal acts like this teacher is in the Illuminati or something, asking Pacey if he’s really sure he wants to do this. Oh man, does this go ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!?
So Mr. McPhee is leaving, and Andi is super upset about it. He tells her to nut up; he’ll be back soon, and Jack comes downstairs and tells him to stay away. Their dad is all, “What the fuck did you say?”, and Jack tells him he either needs to deal with their family’s issues, or he can just stay the fuck out of The Creek. Their dad tells Jack to shut the fuck up and Jack tells him to ask the question again. At first, their dad doesn’t understand and Jack’s all, “Ask the question, you fuck!” and finally he does and Jack, in an unintentionally hilarious moment, especially given the content, screams “YES!” in what I’m guessing was supposed to be a powerful reveal.
However, the scene quickly devolves into further hilarity as Jack has this over-the-top, emotional breakdown, telling their dad that Tim was the real son and he’s been quiet for too long and that he’s so sorry for letting everyone down. Mr. McPhee tells Jack to stop crying because he should be a man now that Tim is dead and Andi intervenes, telling him that he needs to go. Again, I realize that this was supposed to be a powerful scene, but I laughed way too hard at it’s over-the-top ridiculousness.
Pretty sure that Joey’s going to kill herself when this comes to a head, what with her expressing her concerns about being that girl that turns guys gay. I’m not complaining mind you. Jack asks if he can redeem his rain check on dinner from the other night and Joey’s more than happy to do so.
Apparently, dickhead teacher didn’t show up for school that day, and in The Creek, they don’t have substitutes, as everyone is expected to go to Study Hall instead. Jack finds Pacey, and in a reversal from last episode, most likely due to his ground shaking epiphany, thanks him for standing up for him.
Further down the hall, Pacey finds asshole teacher cleaning out his room. Apparently, Pacey’s little stunt forced his hand and he’s leaving The Creek six months earlier than his anticipated retirement. He’d “rather eat dirt” than have his professional career scrutinized by a bunch of whiny parents. For some reason, I kind of agree with him on that. Pacey apologizes and the teacher tells him to stop being a miserable fuck stick; Pacey got what he wanted. Pacey asks him what his problem is, and the teacher tells him that he was there to teach, not be a friend. Pacey gives him this little speech about how you need to earn respect, not command it, and the teacher, in one final burn, thanks Pacey for ending his career before walking out of the room. The guilt clearly sticks.
Ty is looking for redemption from Jen. She’s tells him she’s done with his ass because there’s just too many differences between them. Again, acting super desperate, he tells her that he wants her to change his narrow-mindedness, because what’s a healthy relationship, if not a reason to compromise everything you believe in?
Andi and Pacey reconcile their differences over a little squabbling match because they’re just so in love. How cute.
Here we go. Buckle in folks. Joey prepared her romantic, dockside dinner for Jack. He shows up and tells her that she shouldn’t have. She clearly knows what’s up. He tells her that he’s gay, but confuses the shit out of her by saying “Maybe, I don’t know” when pressed further. So she flat out asks him. He doesn’t answer, but tells her that his poem made him gay, as it made him realize some things about himself. However, he didn’t want to hurt/lose her, so he buried it deep inside. She thanks him for being honest with her. Friend Zoned!
Joey, having nowhere to turn, goes to Dawson’s a crying mess. He comforts her. Friend Zoned! But seriously, I cannot emphasize enough how awful of an actress Katie Holmes is.
3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons