Oh good, we’re picking up right where we left off last week. I was really worried there for a second that the episode might not continue like I was promised it would. So Jack is leaving Joey’s, Dawson is leaving Jen’s, and Pacey and Andi are snuggling by his car. Everyone keeps making these allusions to potentially having sex, but no one will come right out and say it. Jack asks Joey if she has regrets, Dawson thanks Jen, and so on. Dawson kisses Jen on the forehead and leaves, which, if he had sex, has to be one of the ballsiest moves of his life. Can you imagine if Grams had walked in?
The gang is watching a movie in class. Remember when your teacher would be hungover or just having a “Fuck it” day and you’d watch movies instead of learn? That was the tits. But no, this isn’t the case, as Dawson is using an old movie to give the class a lecture on movies as mysteries. You see, movies are another art form like literature and they have a setup, progression and dénouement and OH MY GOD, why couldn’t you just read a Boxcar Kids book or something? The teacher asks Abby for her assignment, which she naturally didn’t do. The teacher decides that he’s fucking had it with Abby’s shit and tells her she has one day to get her assignment done, or she’s going to get a big, fat F. As everyone gets up to leave, Chris spies a note on the ground.
Jack and Joey are being really awkward and Jack addresses it. Of course, being that the setup for this episode is mysteries in literature, we’re kept in the dark about whether they fucked. By “they”, I mean all three parties. Andi tells Pacey that she “thoroughly enjoyed” their evening together. Jen tells Dawson that she read his script rewrites and noticed that he’d added a sex scene. He tells her that their evening “inspired” him. For fuck’s sake!
Chris gives Abby the note. She reads it and the gyst is that sex changes everything and the mystery person who wrote it needs some time to process what happened. My money’s on Joey being the author.
Jack, who was more than willing to drop trou for Joey last episode, is suddenly embarrassed by her picture and asks her not to show it to anyone outside of her art class. The thing is a piece of shit, so I don’t know that I’d even show it to my art class. He asks her if he can have the picture when she’s done because the guy is a fucking weirdo. Or he wants it as a reminder of the previous night. Still weird. Pacey has been noticeably withdrawn and Andi is worried that he’s shutting her out. Dawson and Jen were probably in this scene too, I don’t know.
Abby’s decided to solve the mystery for her English assignment and what part of her thinks that’s a good idea? On what planet would any teacher want to know which of his students are getting it on? I’d assume all of them are banging to keep the images super muddled and nonspecific. Using ace sleuthing skills, she narrows it down to the three couples who are all being so vague with one another. Chris offers to help her in exchange for inappropriate touching and Abby, who has been very averse to his advances, agrees.
Dawson finds Joey outside and asks about her picture. She quickly changes the subject, probably because she’s come to her senses and realizes what an awful piece of shit it is and doesn’t want to embarrass herself further. She asks him about Cornball Movie 2 and he tells her that he can’t find a leading lady and really wishes she’d reconsider. Joey asks him if the movie is about the two of them and Dawson gives her a tepid acknowledgement that it could be. She asks to see the script and Dawson says no, probably because of his pasty, awkward sex scene with Not-Jen in it. Joey tells him he’s a dick if the movie is some kind of character assassination and Dawson gets all offended. Not that I blame her, dude. You’ve reacted far worse over far less (i.e. vehicular damage to some guy for pouring beer on an old lady’s windshield).
Chris mentions to Abby that Cornball Movie 2 now features a sex scene between the two main characters, and Abby deduces that it means that Jen and Dawson hooked up. Being Abby who completely lacks in tact, she flat out asks Jen if they did the horizontal mamba. Jen gets all defensive, so Abby keeps twisting the knife for juicier information until Jen gives up and says that Dawson was “good”. Gross. But at least we know 1/3 of the mystery has been solved. Chris is relieved that this dumb mystery is over, and Abby tells him to shut his dumb mouth; they still don’t know who actually wrote the note.
Abby, the Sherlock of her generation, decides to capture handwriting samples from Pacey and Jack by having them sign a petition. Brilliant! Chris is more direct and asks Dawson if he and Jen banged, throwing her under the bus in the process by telling him she’d already spilled. Being Chris, I’m surprised he doesn’t make a sloppy seconds or Eskimo Brothers remark to Dawson. Jack tells Abby that they didn’t have sex, but is all flustered when he does so, which I’m guessing is supposed to imply that maybe they did and he’s supposed to keep his Aspergery mouth shut.
Abby continues her tour of assholery by hassling Andi. She feeds misinformation to Andi, telling her that Pacey’s already told the school that they did it and she shouldn’t really be surprised, what with him banging his teacher and all. Andi gets upset, which Abby takes to mean that they fucked too. I realize she’s a teenage girl and all, but this obsession is bordering on creepy.
Chris finds Joey and gives her his copy of the script so she can get a taste of her character. Why is he being nice to her all of a sudden? In her confusion at his niceness, she abruptly leaves, leaving behind her nude picture of Jack that Chris takes and gives to Abby. Will she give it to Dawson? My gut says yes.
Abby shows up at Dawson’s and this doesn’t seem to bother him at all. Oh, right. Cornball Movie 2. She tells him that Joey and Jack totally hooked up and Dawson’s all “You don’t know that, you stanky whore!”, so she gives him the nude picture of Jack. Called it! She rubs vinegar into his burn by telling him that he shouldn’t pine for Joey anymore, because now that he wasn’t the one to take her V Card, he’ll forever mean less to Joey than Jack will. Harsh!
Chris tells Abby that he thinks they all had pasty nerd sex and I’m inclined to agree with him, which either makes him a genius, or me a moron. Abby agrees with him too, but needs to know who wrote the letter and this has gone on for far too long already. Just drop it, Abby! She reveals that her master plan is to trick the author into revealing that they wrote it by pounding them into submission with incorrect information. Okay, Abby. Whatever you say. She gives Chris envelopes to give to the six.
Andi is pissed at Pacey for bragging and he has no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. She remarks about the “revisionist version” of the other night that Abby gave her, and now I’m beginning to think that maybe they didn’t bang. Not if she’s calling bragging about sexing her revisionist. She tells Pacey to go kick rocks and finds the envelope from Chris.
Jen sees the script for Cornball Movie 2 in Joey’s bag and asks what she thinks. Joey naturally doesn’t like the way she’s portrayed, probably because it’s accurate, and asks Jen if it’s 100% autobiographical. I’m guessing she’s referring to the newly-added sex scene.
Dawson finds Jack and gives him Joey’s picture. Aww, Jack, you got to keep it after all! Jack is really obnoxiously smug about it and is kind of a defensive prick to Dawson. I get that you don’t like him, but you stole his girl; Dawson has every right to be a dick to you, Rain Man.
Jen and Jack art both in the English classroom and reveal that the invitations said to get there at 7:00 PM. Yup, because I could use my high school classrooms for secretive meetings after hours without supervision. Makes perfect sense. Chris shows up with a video camera, which isn’t weird or creepy at all. Everyone else shows up and Abby reads the letter aloud. Due to the sexual nature of the letter, Joey obviously gets really uncomfortable and goes to leave, giving her my top spot of “Most Likely to Have Written It”.
Everyone just really wants to know who wrote the letter, so Abby starts her analysis. First she though it was Jen, who didn’t want to take second fiddle again to Joey, so she needed Dawson to back the fuck off and get his shit together. Jen says that she didn’t write it. Then, Abby thought it was either Joey or Jack, what with Joey being Joey and Jack being a socially awkward weirdo. Joey and Jack don’t come out and admit that it was one of them and keep being vague as to whether or not they even had sex. This prompts Dawson to get all up in Joey’s face, telling her to just fucking come clean already and say whether they screwed or not. Joey in turn gets up in Dawson’s face with the same question and they scream back and forth at each other until they both finally shout “Yes!” at the same time. FINALLY!
Except no. Jen gets up and calls Dawson a liar, saying they didn’t fuck because she thought him climbing through her window for an easy screw was pathetic. Ouch. Jack gets up and says that they didn’t bang either, throwing shade at Dawson in the process because now his movie life could remain in tact, whatever the fuck that means.
Which means that there’s only one couple remaining in the room that could have had sex, and one party that could have written the letter. All eyes goes to Andi, who tearfully admits that she didn’t write the letter, which means that Pacey did. He won’t look her in the eyes as she realizes that this explains his withdrawn behavior, and that he only banged her because he thought she was easy; he doesn’t want her anymore now that she’s used goods. She runs out of the room crying and Pacey follows, telling Jack (oh right, I didn’t think about how awkward that would be) that it wasn’t like that at all.
Abby seems satisfied with these results overall. Jen, reaching a boiling point with her shit, tells Abby that she’s a vile and pathetic person and thinks the fact that she’s as ugly inside as she is at 16 is a horrifying prospect for her future. Abby’s eyes well up, and I guess we’re supposed to assume that maybe Jen’s words landed. Maybe for this episode; I’m sure the writers will figure out a way to make her super bitchy next week.
The next day, the teacher calls Abby up to do her assignment, calling her a perpetual disappointment in the process. Nice. She’s all ready with the video tape and a docket full of documents. Yup, she had so much research and evidence for this stupid, bullshit investigation. Anyway, she’s about to go up when she glances at sad Andi and changes her mind, telling the teacher she didn’t do the assignment. Looks like she’ll have to settle for an F. At least she has some integrity, though! Andi thanks her and she’s all “Whatever, I’m coy!”.
Jack is hanging out after school when Jen spots him. She asks him what’s up and he tells her that he doesn’t like being second string in his relationship because Joey can’t figure her shit out re: Dawson. Jen tells him that he’ll get used to it, explaining that she loves Dawson, but isn’t going to fuck him until he wants her over Joey. She asks why Jack didn’t go through with it and he explains that he couldn’t get it up. Right. Explaining sex to Joey made you hard as a rock. Actually getting ready to do it with Joey causes your penis to recede inside your body. I…I can actually buy that.
Pacey jumps in Andi’s car and she tells him to get the fuck out. He just wants to tell her the truth, which is that he got an A on his history test and this threw him through a loop because it was his first A ever. Now he has to question everything, because he’s scared of Andi and the better life that she’s offering him. What? How do you get from A on a test to “Whoa, having sex with my girlfriend might be a bit extreme?” It seems a bit far fetched, but I’m really not surprised, what with the ham-fisted nature of some of the plot points on this show. Anyways, he tells Andi that she’s the most important person to him and he loves her. She returns his feelings. Hooray.
Joey and Dawson are waiting for the rain to stop and keep awkwardly eyeballing each other. Finally, Dawson breaks the silence by asking Joey why they never fucked if the timing was right. She tells him that while the timing was right, the person may not have been. Ha ha! No one wants to have sex with whiny Dawson! Dawson asks her why she’d lie to him about sleeping with Jack and she admits that she has no idea. Umm, probably to make Dawson jealous, you dumb bitch. That seems to be your primary motivation for everything lately. They’re both super glad the other still has their V Card, and Dawson asks Joey if she’s ready to be friends again yet. She says she is, but tells him they need to take it slowly, which they kick off by walking home together in the rain. Right, because never in the history of ever have walks in the rain been equated to romance. Idiots. Dawson asks what she thought about the script, and because she’s bipolar, Joey tells him that she likes his version of her. Dear God, are we about to start a whole Ross/Rachel thing with these two, because I may gouge my eyes out.
3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons