Wow, what an oddly homoerotic opening. Pacey just sitting there declaring that he doesn’t know what to do with himself, but that he knows he loves Dawson. So he gives Dawson those three little words he’s been waiting so long to hear; “I love you”. It looks like Dawson is into it as he goes in for a kiss and, no wait, they’re just practicing dialogue for Cornball Movie 2: Fuck You. You got me there, guys! Pacey makes a little tongue-in-cheek remark about how the dialogue might be a little unrealistic for high school students and remarks that he doesn’t think “Joey” is realistic. Dawson gets all defensive, saying that it isn’t Joey. Pacey tells him to go fuck himself because it’s clearly Joey, and says that it’s a dark and gritty movie, but that he thinks it needs a sex scene. Dawson balks at the idea, saying that his movie is made more edgy by not having sex in it, and that’s like super hard to do, you guys.
Jen has taken over Joey’s role as producer for this dumb piece of shit and is handing out casting call fliers at school. Dawson is impressed by her get up and go attitude and they talk leading man, ultimately disagreeing on who should play him. Jen declares herself a terrorist by smearing Tom Hanks’ name, saying that Dawson needs to pick sexy over nice.
Pacey is thrilled with the results of his HIV test and, wait, what? Apparently since he had sex like two times with one person, Andi made him get the test. Chill out there, Howie Mandel. All the talk of Pacey not having HIV gets him hot and bothered and leads to them talking about how now that he isn’t the next Magic Johnson, they could totally have sex if they wanted to. Andi tells him to cool his jets because that’s not what it means. He’s totally cool with that and tells her he’s in no rush to fuck her.
Meanwhile outside, Dawson runs into Joey who’s working on a drawing of a naked man. Dawson notices, which leads to forced conversation about said nude model, with Dawson remarking that he’s amazed the sight of a dick didn’t give Joey a massive coronary. Joey notices that Jen is handing out the audition fliers and makes a snide remark about her being the new producer which Dawson brushes off, citing Joey’s “busy-ness”.
Chris tries to talk Abby into auditioning for Dawson’s stupid fucking movie because apparently he wants to commit social suicide. He thinks it’s a great way for them to spend some time together and she tells him to fuck off. She seems to be the only person who doesn’t give a shit about Dawson’s movie, so good for her.
Jack finds Joey working on her drawing and is absolutely blown away by how good it is. I’m no Van Gogh, but it’s really not. Being the perpetual fuck up he is, he spills milk all over it, causing Joey to storm off.
We get a quick montage of people auditioning for Cornball Movie 2 and it’s terrible all around. The acting, the lines, all of it. Terrible.
Jack finds Joey inside and her picture is absolutely fucked, which is hilarious. She’s pissed and can’t recreate it because the thought of having to see another penis makes her dry heave. Not really; she just doesn’t have time or a nude model, but I’m sure the penis thing is a problem too. Jack offers to pose for her and she declines. He asks her if she’s a prude and she tells him she just doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Right, because telling your art teacher that your assignment isn’t done because dicks make you uncomfortable is a better one. That’s the option she initially leans towards, but then agrees. Technically, couldn’t she do this without him getting naked? Or use a Ken doll? Seems like Jack doesn’t necessarily have to get naked for this to work out for her.
Andi is picking up her meds conveniently where Pacey happens to be shopping. He flat out grabs the meds from her and asks why she’s taking Xanax. Ever heard of tact, Pacey? Or HIPPA? Andi lies and says they’re for her mom, realizing that she found Pacey in the condom aisle. Andi is kind of uncomfortable at first, then proposes buying some so that they’re ready when the time comes. Andi, you minx!
Chris apparently convinced Abby to audition and asks Dawson why there’s no sex. He realizes that even if Dawson added a sex scene, it’s simulated, right? He’s not actually going to get to fuck the leading lady. Dawson gives his dumb excuse about riskiness in avoiding sex, which no one is buying at this point. They run through the stupid lines and Chris jams his tongue down Abby’s throat. She gets a little too pissed off for the town slut and storms off.
After buying condoms, Andi essentially gives Pacey a How-To guide for getting in her pants. It’s all pretty corny (bed and breakfast, lavender candles) and Pacey makes a joke of it. She tells him that he can go fuck himself because it’s her first time and she’s no dime store hooker. Homie’s gonna have to work for it. Pacey tells her he’s all in for making those requirements happen, which turns her on.
Dawson is frustrated that all the actors sucked. Jen mentions that the leading lady is Joey, and again Dawson denies it. She tells him he’s full of shit and he knows it and asks what he ever liked about Jen when they were together. Dawson tells her that she opened him up to stuff and that she’s sexy. She tells him that she agrees with everyone else and thinks the characters need to fuck which makes him all pissy because he wants it to be romantic. Guh. She tells him that maybe the movie would work better if it wasn’t about a huge prude like Joey, which gives Dawson pause.
Jack comes out at Joey’s in nothing but a towel, and again, I can’t help but think the kid is just a little too eager to show Joey his wang. He asks what she should do and she uncomfortably tells him to do whatever. Wasn’t part of the initial problem here that you weren’t going to be able to get the pose right? How the fuck would giving him the option to go spread eagle help? She starts to get cold feet again and tells him to keep the towel on, which goes right back to my point earlier that he doesn’t have to be naked for this project to work. He decides to lie on the couch and obviously has to make a Titanic reference. Joey tells him to shut the fuck up; she’s uncomfortable. So Jack makes the situation weirder by telling her that she’ll be a lot more comfortable with him going forward once she’s seen his cock. I swear, the guy has Asperger’s. Joey tells him to leave and in the kerfluffle, his towel ends up falling off. Jack’s all, “Oh no, my penis, looks like I might as well stay!” and gets comfortable on the couch again, because he’s a fucking weirdo.
Joey acts like seeing Jack’s penis was tantamount to losing her virginity, viewing it as a personal accomplishment that her heart is still beating after seeing his wang. She tells him penises are like art in that they’re dangerous, but that she loves art because it allows her to take chances and feel special. What? Also, you probably shouldn’t make an analogy about sex making you feel special to the guy who was more than willing to get nude for you because, you know, rape. Jack tries to act all deep about art and sex and danger, revealing that sex scares him.
Jen finds Dawson aimlessly wandering outside her house and brings up Cornball Movie 2. Dawson thinks that she should play the lead character and she tells him she’ll do it if he adds in the sex scene. She explains that sex with love is boring, but sex with lust, well that’s super risky and intriguing, which would be perfect for his stupid fucking movie.
Jack reveals to Joey that he isn’t a virgin; he’s had sex once before. Joey tells him that she’s afraid of sex too, but neither of them can really explain why. Joey practically puts her wrists together to rest her chin on and asks him to explain sex, but not in a “penis in vagina feels good” way. She wants it to be done artfully, so he compares it to an expressionist painting. He gives this cheesy as fuck comparison between the two that gets Joey all wet. She’s legit about to have an orgasm to his shitty analogy when the phone rings. As she goes to answer it, she realizes that Jack’s awful analogy also gave him a boner. What a geek!
Pacey apparently followed Andi’s “How to Get in my Pants” guide to a T, having taken her to a nice candlelit dinner and surprising her with a room at a bed and breakfast. It’s kind of a tad bit desperate if you ask me, having just had the sex conversation earlier that day. Also, where’s he getting the money for a bed and breakfast and four star dinner? Shit’s expensive! Anyways, he tells her that despite the fact he’s done everything to make her give up her V Card per her instructions, that wasn’t his intention because he just wanted to give her a special evening. He’s a terrible liar. Andi stammers that she just isn’t ready and he tells her that he’s fine with that because he just wanted to make her feel special, which leads to her changing her mind again.
Dawson is working on Cornball Movie 2 and puts a picture of Joey back on his desk, which causes him to look pensive.
Where has Bessie been the whole time? I imagine she’d be quite pissed if she came home and found her employee sitting with his brown eye directly on her furniture. Also, this is how the picture came out…
Don’t quit your day job, Joey.
Jack apologizes to Joey for getting the erection and worries that he ruined their relationship by infusing sex into their evening. They both act super awkward and Joey tells him that she had a big night, what with talking about sex for all of 3 minutes. Jack offers to help her work on getting over her sexual hang ups so that maybe her thighs will defrost, admitting that he wants to hold her. Joey tells him that she’s not scared of sex now that he has clothes on and she doesn’t have a penis waving in her face and they start making out.
Dawson sneaks into Jen’s room and kisses her, which is totally not creepy at all. Did I mention she was sleeping? Yeah, she was sleeping. He tells her there was no motive for the kiss and she pulls a Han Solo and says she knows.
Pacey is about to get it in when he prematurely ejaculates and stops. Actually, it turns out he just doesn’t want to do it because he thinks he’s been pressuring her (duh) and that she’s not ready for it. Sounds to me like the pressure to make her first time an orgasmic experience might be getting to you, Pacey. He plays the situation off by saying, “You know what, sex isn’t really all that great because it isn’t risky,” and tells her he’s going to drive her home. Wait, what about the bed and breakfast? You clearly paid for a room. I hope he at least goes back and rubs one out or something, otherwise that’s a huge waste of money.
Jack and Joey are making out. Dawson and Jen are making out (I don’t even feel like addressing this). Pacey is holding Andi’s hand, and “To Be Continued” comes on the screen. What’s to be continued? These aren’t standalone episodes like “Perfect Strangers” here. “LOST” didn’t end each episode with “To Be Continued” because it was already fucking implied that the story would be continuing! No shit it will be continued! God, this has made me irrationally angry!
3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons