Jen is reading the screenplay for Cornball Movie 2: White Kid Boogaloo while Dawson waits for her reaction with bated breath. She finishes and tells him that it’s all fluff and doesn’t capture teenagedom at all. He gets all butthurt, which she honestly should have expected, and tells her that it’s real, even if she doesn’t think so. She courageously tries to talk him off the ledge by telling him that it’s good, but it needs to be more raw and dark. Dawson replies that he is raw and dark in one of the most comically laughable statements of the series. Jen tells him to shut the fuck up, he’s not, and that until he starts acting like a teenager, he won’t be able to write like one.
In Spastic White Girl Land, Andi tells Joey that she had an epiphany about her and that she should totes run as her running mate for school president. Joey tells her that she’s too cool for that shit and offers up some self-deprecation that should make me happy, but doesn’t. Fuck you, Joey.
Pacey approaches Andi and tells her that he doesn’t think she should run, as it could totally ruin her reputation. She’s dating you, Pacey, so I don’t see how her reputation could be any more ruined. Despite the fact that he’s completely discouraging to her about something she’s clearly very passionate about, she makes him her campaign manager.
Dawson is still sulking over Jen’s critique of his new screenplay and Jen reiterates that he just needs to chill the fuck out and act like a teenager. In order to do so, she suggests skipping class. At first he balks at the idea, seeing as it would make him miss his quiz (NERD!) and then agrees. We learn just how cunning Dawson is as he ducks into the classroom, bailing on Jen.
Bro Dad is fixing Gail’s leaky dishwasher because she didn’t know who else to call. Maybe a plumber, Gail? Anyway, the fix doesn’t take, and water shoots all over both of them. Bro Dad is soaked, so he takes off his shirt and the two start flirting, which leads to kissing, which leads to Bro Dad fixing Gail’s leaky dishwasher. With his penis. They start fucking on the table.
And of course, Dawson walks in.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Dawson? You’re so casually creepy about walking in on your parents fucking right in front of you. Most people would be horrified in that situation, but not you. Nope. You grin, like a fucking weirdo. Seriously, one of the writers definitely had a weird fetish about their parents’ sex life.
Anyways, we learn that Jack won’t answer any personal questions from Joey, and this is rightfully raising a red flag to her. Abby (remember her?) is at the diner to talk campaign strategy with Chris (tried to tag team Jen last episode), and if you were worried that she wouldn’t be a bitch, your fears were misguided. Jack tells Joey that she should run with Andi, because Chris and Abby are fucking idiots, which Abby overhears. She tells Joey that she doesn’t stand a chance in hell, insulting her family in the process. Joey decides that Abby needs to shut the fuck up and dumps water over her head, telling Jack to let Andi know that she’s in.
What the fuck? They’re campaigning around town? For school president? Why? Anyway, Pacey tells Andi that she’s boring and is taking the fun out of the process, probably on account of the fact that she’s making him campaign around the fucking town, most likely on a Saturday. Joey shows up and tells them that Chris and Abby are defaming her publicly. Around town? Who gives a shit? Pacey suggests going negative and Andi disagrees, saying that she won’t “stoop to their level”. You’ve got to do something, Andi; unchecked, who knows how low they’re willing to go.
Jen is still trying to get Dawson to regress, and suggests stealing lipstick as a way to do so. How does petty theft make one act younger, I wonder? He stalls, then ultimately agrees when she continues pressing him. Outside, they talk about the “rush” (ugh, nerds) and then we learn that Dawson was too much of a scaredy cat to actually go through with it. He doesn’t get why being mature is a problem, you guys! Jen tells him that he’s missing out on life by keeping the stick in his ass.
There’s a montage of campaign speeches at school. When we resume, Abby reveals to the class that Andi’s mom is nuts, which is some kind of indication of terrible leadership abilities in Andi. Joey tries to defend Andi, which only makes Abby cuntier. She tells everyone that Andi’s mom killed her brother, which ends up making Andi cry. The counselor from last episode (the one who told Pacey that he was a fuck up) finally steps in and tells Abby to shut the fuck up. What took you so long? You’re literally sitting right behind them. Did you want to see how Abby’s dickery would pan out? You’re really awful at your job. It’s too late though, and Andi sits there speechless, probably for the first time in her life.
Joey finds Jack after the debate and tells him she’s sorry for trying to get personal info out of him. Jack flips shit on her and tells her to back the fuck off and leave him alone while he tries to find Andi. He doesn’t need her help!
Pacey somehow inexplicably knew that Andi was in the girl’s bathroom and walks right on in like he owns the place. He tells Andi that it’s really not that big of a deal. Andi confides to him that she can’t go back out there because everyone will laugh at her. I don’t get why mental illness is such a laughing matter in The Creek. Seriously. This show treats it like it’s a black mark. Pacey tells her that if she ignores it, things will go back to normal. To thank him, she takes his campaign book and breaks the fucking mirror with it. Now your mom is crazy AND you have seven years of bad luck!
Looks like Bro Dad hit it and quit it! He’s still at his apartment, anyway. Dawson stops by with his mail and tells him that he saw them banging on the table. He’s so bizarrely comfortable telling Bro Dad, to the point that even Bro Dad tells him that it’s kind of weird how casual he’s being about it. Dawson tells him that it’s totally cool if he comes over and stuffs his mom once in a while, or maybe even permanently, and Bro Dad tells him that it was a mistake and that nothing’s changed. Ice cold.
Dawson, finally showing some self-awareness, tells Jen that he’s got a skewed perspective on reality. Jen tells him that he’s just too smart for his own good and that he needs to stop overthinking things. Dawson agrees and asks Jen to help him be less of a weenie and act more like a teenager.
Andi is acting all catatonic, rocking in a chair and staring out the window. Jack finds her and tells her that she’s been acting super bipolar lately. The reason for that? She IS bipolar! Holy shit, what a twist! Apparently she’s been off her meds, which has been leading to her erratic behavior. She tells him to mind his own beeswax; she’s fine.
Oh my God, they toilet papered a house. Ugh. That’s the best you could come up with, Jen? They’re having so much fun! Jen proposes that their next act of teenage rebellion be skinny dipping. Dawson is so shocked he nearly drops his monocle! What if someone sees them!? Before he can really turn the idea down, Jen is already naked and in the water, so Dawson does the same. They’re having so much fun, you guys!
Jen asks Dawson if he ever has sex dreams about her and he admits that he has. He takes this sudden interest in his nighttime erections as a sign that she wants him and kisses her. She outright rejects him, telling him that she doesn’t want to screw up their friendship that took so long to heal. Good thing it’s dark outside, because without any clothes on, there’s no way for Dawson to hide how blue his balls just became.
Jesus, they’re still campaigning? When I was in high school, the whole process took like a week. They’re doing some kind of speech over the school’s PA, and Abby continues being a bitch, calling the two other opponents nerds, and referencing Joey’s dad being a convict and Abby’s mom again. Where the fuck are the teachers? There’s no reason for this to happen. Anyway, Joey tells Andi that it’s fine to duck out with their dignity intact, but Andi remains steadfast. Or at least she would have if Abby was being supervised. The reference to her whackjob mom causes her to leave. Pacey, tired of Abby’s shit, essentially gets her to admit that she’s going to fuck everyone over when she wins. The twist, however, is that she reveals all this while Pacey is holding down the button for the PA, so the whole school hears! Got her with the oldest trick in the book, you sly dog!
Gail is cleaning the house when Dawson finds divorce papers on the table. Bro Dad totally had Gail served. That’s cold, Bro Dad. You really did hit it and quit it. Hard. Dawson is shocked and asks Gail if she’s alright. She tells him that she’s fine and goes back to cleaning. I guess it was inevitable.
Jack shows up at the diner to walk Joey home. He apologizes for being a jerk to her earlier, but tells her to stop asking him personal questions because he’s not going to fucking answer them because being distant is what got him through all the family issues he’s had to endure. Joey tells him that he needs people, no man is an island, yadda yadda, and tells him how Dawson helped her through her mother’s death. It involved not talking, which is the complete opposite of what she was trying to achieve there, so good job, Joey. They hold hands instead.
Pacey calls Andi, who’s hanging out in the bathroom. She tells him that she’ll be back to her old self tomorrow, which is symbolized by her taking pills out of the cabinet. Dun dun DUN! She gets off the phone, takes the pills and starts crying. Why? Are they going to lobotomize you or something, Andi? No one even needs to know that you’re on meds. Stop being such a baby.
Dawson goes to Jen’s and tells her about the divorce. It’s fucking with his head, because he wants to be a teenager, but this news makes him feel like it’s an important time to be an adult. He doesn’t know what to do and needs her advice. She asks him if he thinks he should go with his head or his heart, which is just Godawful advice. How is going with one over the other going to help him get over something as life-altering as parents getting a divorce? When the chips are down, everyone gives really shitty advice on this show. Dawson seems to agree with me, because because we fade to black with him crying on Jen’s shoulder.
3.5 out 5 Crying Dawsons