Fun fact: I watched a handful of episodes of this show a few years ago and have, to this point, pretty much forgotten everything I’ve seen except for 1) Bro Dad proposing an open marriage, and 2) Jen drinking wine and banging the rich kid in this episode (SPOILER!).
Looks like we’re back to the status quo opening here on “Dawson’s Creek”. He’s watching a movie and waxing intellectual on the merits of Shakespeare. Who’s he talking to, you ask? Why, Gail! She’s been crying her eyes out, eating Twizzlers all night, because she’s still heartbroken about Bro Dad. Apparently neither of them have been coping with their breakups very well. Gail tells Dawson that there are advantages to being dumped (see the aforementioned Twizzlers), and he asks her if getting dumped ever gets easier. She says no and goes to bed. Her own bed, not Dawsons. We fade out to a shot of Dawson looking longingly at the window, eating a Twizzler. Joey was such a bipolar bitch, I genuinely don’t see the problem here.
So the gang’s English teacher is talking about a test they have the next day and holy shit is he a condescending dick about it. He tells them that this test will affect their whole lives. No, dude, it won’t. It won’t even be a blip on their radar in 10 years. Get off your high horse and go teach college if that’s your fucking attitude. Anyway, some guy flirts with Jen by throwing paper at her back because he’s apparently 8 years old.
Joey tries to talk to Dawson after class and he’s not interested. He’s definitely still butthurt by the breakup, as he snarkily tells her that she wanted her space, so he’s giving her space. She tells him that she doesn’t think it’s fair that they can’t go back to being friends. Honestly, Joey, you gave him one of the most nonsensical breakups in the history of TV; no fucking wonder he’s pissed. He leaves her standing there with her mouth agape in the middle of the hallway.
Andi grill Pacey on his sexuality over lunch. She has a “How Pure are You?” quiz from a knockoff version of Cosmo. She thinks that Pacey talks a big game, but that he’s still a virgin. He plays along like he hasn’t banged a teacher. She talks about a study session after school for Dick Teacher’s test and wants him to go. After initially refusing, Pacey agrees when Andi insinuates that the session may offer some other extracurriculars, like her bony jaw meeting his.
So the guy from the English class is still flirting with Jen, who’s just totally not into it. The guy all but promises to rape Jen if she doesn’t crack soon and accept his advances, so Dawson intervenes to try and protect her. Jesus Christ, here we go with these two again. He asks her about the study session and she says that if he’s going, she’ll go too.
Apparently the study session was supposed to be with the teacher after school, and he’s cancelled it because he’s sick. He assures everyone in a note that the test will still happen the next day, so flirt guy, who we learn is Chris (no joke, it took them this long to tell us his name, despite the fact that he’s been on the screen for a good 3 minutes), proposes moving the study session to his house to Andi, Jen and Pacey. Andi’s all, “That jerkoff won’t let us study; he’s a frat boy!”, and Pacey tells her that he’s loaded, which convinces her to go, for some odd reason.
Andi invites Joey to the study session at Chris’ and she reluctantly agrees. Pacey does the same with Dawson, who gets in Chris’ car to find that, OH NO, Joey is in the car too! Neither of them seem thrilled to be in one another’s company. I’m not going to lie; I’m getting a very “Detention” episode vibe here which…
Everyone gets to Chris’ and seem really uncomfortable being there. If I went over to some rich guy’s house, knowing he’d probably never appear in The Creek again, I’d be weirded out too. Chris’ younger sister is there, which I’m sure won’t add some precociousness to the hormonal mix. Andi reminds everyone that she’s in control, and I’m not going to lie, she’s all over this shit. Everyone else seems kind of retarded and have no idea what any of the answers are.
Chris, a 16 year old with an unrealistically vast knowledge of wine, pops a bottle and tells Jen that he thinks they should fuck because they’re more like each other than she may think. He just wants to get to know her, because he personally knows how someone’s reputation can be unfair to them. Very smooth, guy.
Over another quick montage of shitty literary questions, we learn that they’re studying super hard. Dawson is kind of being a dick to everyone around the table, so Chris proposes that they take a break and get in the hot tub. Andi pulls an Andi and acts like a wet blanket, so Chris suggests doing the “How Pure are You?” quiz instead. Again, we get another montage of these questions, which are all fucking stupid too. “Have you ever fucked a four legged creature?” That’s not a sign of impurity if you say yes; that’s a sign that you’re seriously fucked in the head. The last question is “Have you ever been in love?”, which makes Joey super uncomfortable because it implies that her heart isn’t a frozen stone, so she leaves.
Dawson confronts Joey in the kitchen and she tells him that if he really wants to give her her space, confronting her in a kitchen isn’t the way to go about it. She tells him she just needs time, so he needs to back the fuck off an be respectful. Dina, Chris’ younger sister, overheard everything and wants to know the deets. Child precociousness!
Andi reveals the results of the Purity test, and naturally Chris is the least pure and Andi is the most, at a whopping 92%. That’s like diamond level purity there, folks. Chris realizes that they don’t know Pacey’s number and asks if Question 16 is true or not. Pacey tries to stall, so Andi grabs his test and realizes that 16 is “Have you ever banged someone twice your age?” She asks him why he answered “Yes”, and Chris is all, “You totes banged Miss Jacobs, bro!”. Andi realizes who they’re talking about and storms out. We get a really weird moment between Pacey and Dawson.
Chris is getting the hot tub ready and asks Dawson how he’s doing with Jen. Dawson tells him that he doesn’t know or care. Chris tells him that’s great, because he’s totally going to fuck Jen tonight. Dawson tells him that he won’t, what with Jen being a clamped up prude and all when she was with Dawson, and Chris gets super creepy, whispering in Dawson’s ear exactly when and how he’s going to pork her (guest house after some wine and hot tub action, in case you’re wondering).
Jen apologizes to Joey about her breakup with Dawson, and Joey is, of course, a HUGE bitch back to her. Jen rightly calls her on this and tells her that she needs therapy. She doesn’t actually, but I wish she would. Joey apologizes for being a raging cunt and explains that the breakup was all because she wants something to experience, which again, makes very little sense.
Pacey finds Andi sulking. She’s super pissed and wants answers. How could he bang an older woman who was totally willing and consenting!? He bluntly tells her that he’s 15 and wanted sex. She drops her monocle, so he tells her that she’s way too uptight about sex and that maybe a 92% purity isn’t something to be wicked proud of. He gives her the ultimatum to either accept his past, or move on to being a prude with someone else.
Chris is all hot tub ready and Jesus, we get it dude. Stop pushing the hot tub on everyone. There’s always that guy who’s way too aggressive about getting people in pools or hot tubs. Dawson tells Jen that Chris is trying to get in her pants, and she acts all disgusted by Dawson’s behavior, thinking he’s trying to make deliberately ruin Chris’ character. Dina, who only seems to be showing up when Dawson is by himself now and is reminding me of Abby in the Detention episode, wants to know who Dawson loved. She reveals that she has Joey’s answer sheet and tries to bribe Dawson with a kiss for it. After he turns her down, she tells him that Joey wrote Yes. She’s been in love TWICE! Oh shit!
Jen and Chris are making out in the hot tub, and I can’t help but wonder if this would still be happening if someone else had taken him up on his hot tub offer. Nothing like blue-balling yourself. Chris tells her that he wants to have some fun with her, and she tells him that making out is fun. He probably starts fingering her or something under the water, because after initially resisting, she tells him she’s more than willing to have some fun.
Andi tells Pacey to back the fuck off because she wants some space from him now, and he does the honorable thing and tells her that he didn’t want to lie to her. Dawson hears this exchange and decides that he need to go be honest with Joey. At first, he has a hard time getting the words out, but finally asks her about the two loves issue. He asks if the second was Jack and Joey freaks out on him, acting like her answer sheet was her fucking SATs that he stole. Joey tells Dawson that she doesn’t understand why they can’t be friends again. I’ve never understood why girls don’t understand the inherent difficulty in that. Dawson tells her that she doesn’t get him (huh?) and storms off.
Dina shows up again and acts all super annoying, being condescending towards Dawson, telling him he still owes her a kiss for Joey’s sheet. He finally has enough of her shit and freaks the fuck out on her, telling her that kisses are bullshit and she should probably go kill herself if that’s all she cares about. She starts crying and runs away. Dawson realizes that the hot tub is empty and the guest house light is off, meaning that Chris is taking Jen to Pound Town.
Joey finds Dina, and I’m kind of relieved, because I was legitimately beginning to think that she was a figment of Dawson’s imagination, like Tyler Durden. Dina’s not happy that Dawson, a boy, was a jerk to her, and Joey callously tells her that growing up sucks and that boys blow. She has a change of heart though and, wow, actually says something encouraging, telling Dina that things will work out for her. Color me shocked that Joey was able to say or do something that wasn’t totally self-centered.
Dawson grabs the book to study some more and falls asleep. He wakes up and realizes that everyone fell asleep and the test in four hours!!!! Andi naturally flips her shit.
Jen and Chris totally did it, as evidenced by Jen’s sex hair the two condom wrappers on the night stand.
He thanks her for a fun night and acts like your stereotypical guy who just got laid and doesn’t give a shit about the girl anymore, blowing her off. Serves you right, ya hussie!
Wait, what the fuck? Pacey is leading the study session? Give me a fucking break! If Pacey graduates and doesn’t end up managing a McDonald’s, I’ll be shocked. We get another montage of everyone studying super hard. They’re all exhausted, so Pacey proposes one more fun activity and they all jump in the pool. Ha ha, they’re having so much fun, you guys!
Andi tells Pacey that she was impressed by his take-charge attitude and apologizes for getting so upset when he surprised her with his sexual history. We get a cute exchange of them both telling each other that they love to hate each other. That’s not completely dysfunctional at all.
Dawson tells Joey that he’s been struggling with how he feels about her overall. He regrets ever kissing her, because it led to him feeling the way he does now. Jesus, Dawson, are you about to join Dashboard Confessional or something? He then tells her that the kiss also made him feel good and calls it the “smartest decision” he’s ever made. Yawn. Joey then provides an eye-rollingly awful explanation for her two loves. They were both Dawson! The first was when she realized she loved him as a friend. The second was when she loved him as a boyfriend and I’ve gotta go clean the puke off my shirt. BRB.
Anywho, she tells him that she still has feelings for him, she just needs some space right now to figure her shit out, which is probably as good an explanation as Dawson will get at this point. He tells her that he’ll give her her space, because he still has feelings for her. As he goes to leave, he sees Dina sleeping and kisses her on the head, realizing that being an asshole to a 10 year old is like shooting fish in a barrel.
The gang gets to school and finds another note on their teacher’s door that says he can’t make it in for the test, so they have another day to study. This isn’t college; don’t substitute teachers exist in The Creek? Also, why is it totally acceptable for them to get to school at 10:00 for one class? Pacey proposes one last group activity, which ends up being all of them falling asleep on the football field. Again, wouldn’t a teacher kick their asses to study hall? Just because your teacher isn’t there in high school doesn’t mean you get to leave school.
What the hell?
3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons