Holy shit, we open with Dawson watching a movie for the first time in like six episodes! Oh wait, never mind. He and Joey are sitting on the roof, kissing and stuff. The movie is probably playing to make his parents think he isn’t getting lucky on their shingles. They make small talk about the impending full moon the next evening, and of course Dawson thinks they’re super romantic. Joey, ever the pessimist, hates full moons. She thinks they make people crazy and that, “Weird things always happen during full moons.” I’m sure that’s not foreshadowing at all, seeing as the writers love treating the viewers like children.
Bro Dad runs into Tamara and asks if he can see the plans for her warehouse/his restaurant one more time. Hang on. As the property owner, why is she responsible for creating the plans for his stupid restaurant? Furthermore, she’s a high school teacher; not a Goddamn architect! She’s more than willing to oblige because she just really wants to get the fuck out of The Creek.
Vincent seeks Jen out for some thrilling amusement in The Creek. She doesn’t tell him that the nearest bar is in Providence, so he’s got to do some traveling. Instead, they continue treating the viewers like children by talking about how they’re flirting with each other. Really cute. He asks her out because the other sailors that he works with call his mom a whore incessantly and he needs some more refined human interaction. She agrees and gives him her address.
Of course Pacey watches porn when he’s working. Andi comes in and he hurriedly turns it off. It’s too late and she starts laying in the bitch about how piggish he is. The whole “I like you, so I’m going to be a bitch to you” thing with this show is so overdone. Pacey sees right through her and asks her out. They agree to go to the movies so that they don’t need to talk to each other. These flirtations are tacky as shit. He asks her where she lives so that he can pick her up, hopefully by stealing Dougie’s Crusier again, and she begins acting all neurotic and weird. He doesn’t see what the big deal is, and after proposing like three other locations they can meet, she relents and agrees to meet her at home.
Abby spots Jen shopping and pops in, totally acting nonchalant and like she didn’t call her a huge whore last episode. Again, I can’t help but feel she’s just another victim of the bipolarity of The Creek. Abby tells Jen that her freak out was stupid, because they shouldn’t let a man come between their great, not-at-all-superficial friendship. Jen’s all, “Phew, because I need to tell someone that Vincent’s totally going to fuck me later,” and Abby freaks the fuck out at her again (see bipolarity in The Creek, above). She follows Jen out of the store, berating her the whole time, and finally outright calls her a whore. Jen turns around and fucking slaps THE SHIT out of her!
Oh my God. I could have an orgasm while getting my back and feet rubbed and eating the best steak on the planet and I don’t think it would come close to how amazing watching that felt.
Bro Dad comes home and sees Gail acting all Suzie Homemaker-y and she tells him that she has a coworker coming over. It’s a dude, of course, so Bro Dad starts acting all weird and passive aggressive. Dawson and Joey are sitting at the table while all this is happening, mind you. They start fighting when Bro Dad makes the remark that it’s Saturday, not Thursday, and Gail basically calls Bro Dad a failure. Dawson asks what Thursday is and they both tell him to mind his own fucking beeswax, so he and Joey leave them to it.
Jen is getting all gussied up for her date with Vincent when Grams comes in and asks her if she’d like to come to church with her. Nah, Grams, she wants to get VD from the transient sailor she’s just met! Grams leaves for church and Abby shows up. She continues berating Jen because she’s apparently a masochist and needs more physical pain. Jen tells her to get the fuck out of her house and let her have her fun.
Gary the coworker is over and he and Gail are having a splendid time discussing work matters in the living room over wine when Tamara shows up at the front door. She brought Bro Dad’s restaurant plans over for him to look at, coincidentally right when Gail is meeting with Gary. Bro Dad seems thrilled to see her, acting overfriendly, but Gail can see right through the ruse. I mean, it’s not even Thursday!
Joey remarks how dead the diner is, insulting the only customer in the joint for drinking a perpetual cup of coffee in the process. I realize that can be extremely annoying when you’re relying on tips for a living, so I see her point, but at least say it out of earshot, you bitch. Jack loves the deadness; it gives him the chance to think. Joey thinks that’s fucking stupid and he flat out asks her why she’s a bitch all the time, cementing himself as my new favorite character. She’s taken aback.
Jen’s date with Vincent is at Gram’s house, drinking coffee. How thrilling. Honestly, I’d be super annoyed if I were him. There’s got to be something they can do in The Creek. Anyway, we learn that Vincent is a sailor trying to earn enough money to pay for law school. Character development!
Dawson is snooping around Bro Dad and Gail’s meetings, sensing that something is up. Bro Dad busts him and, hearing the commotion, Gail comes in. They trade some more passive aggressive barbs and start fighting again, loudly. Like, loud enough that we get camera shots of Tamara and Gary sitting uncomfortably in their respective rooms as Dawson’s parents take pot shots at them behind their backs. It’s awkward, to say the least. Thursday night comes up again and Dawson asks them what the big secret is. They tell him to go to his room like he’s a four year old, which, while he certainly acts it sometimes, is kind of unfair. Seems the first victims of the full moon have arrived!
He goes upstairs and finds that Abby has snuck into his room and is spying on Jen and Vincent from his window. I thought the ladder was taken down. Did she scale his house or commit a B&E by walking in through the front door?
Pacey shows up to pick up Andi and meets her mom. Apparently he’s running late because their inability to settle on a meet up location earlier was confusing to him. Andi’s mom seems nice though and invites him to stay for dinner. She remarks that Andi’s older brother, Tim, would love meeting a cool guy like Pacey, and runs off to fetch him. I’ll die if it’s the dude who tried to choke him out from last season.
After a little flickering of the lights, the pump in the lobster tank breaks down. You know, for an episode that foreshadowed weird shit happening during the full moon, everything has been relatively tame so far. Joey starts losing her shit over how much money they’ll lose if the lobsters die when Andi shows up, asking if Pacey had been there. Apparently, she’d become confused by the different meeting locations too. She suddenly has the dawning realization that Pacey went to her house and starts FREAKING THE FUCK OUT, offering the viewer no explanation as to why. Jack tells her it will be okay, but she takes off anyway.
Jen and Vincent are sharing their most awkward sexual experiences over more coffee. I wonder if Jen’s will be that her dad caught her fucking Billy in his own bed! Vincent’s story is that he went home with a transvestite. Every so often, we’re treated to these sultry, Santana-esque guitar tones as they stare at or touch each other in silence. It’s kind of funny how hard they’re trying to convey that these two want to bang. I should have taken the bet, because of course that’s what Jen’s story is. After a really weird moment where Vincent kind of outlines her lips with his fingertips, they start making out.
Abby is still spying on Jen and Vincent, and I can’t fathom why Dawson hasn’t kicked her through the window yet. He asks her why the fuck she’s there and she tells him that he needs to chill, because divorce is imminent. Great. If there’s one person in The Creek that I wouldn’t want to know my business, it’s Abby. She explains so much more about her character by revealing that her parents are divorced, saying that her life is better because of it. Out of nowhere, she starts rubbing his shoulders and tries to make a move on him, mentioning that he should suggest an open relationship to Joey. That would go over about as well as a sauna in hell. He finally kicks her ass out the window. The full moon strikes again!
Dawson goes downstairs and confronts his parents, asking them if they’re having an open marriage. Seriously, Dawson, that’s what you took from your conversation with Abby? They stare at him, looking uncomfortable.
Jen and Vincent are getting hot and heavy on Grams’ counter. After a minute, Jen realizes that she really is about to get VD if she doesn’t stop this, and tells him that it’s gone too far. He’s all cafeined up and horny, and he tells her that he’s going to give her exactly what she was looking for (…VD?). As he starts forcing himself onto her even more aggressively, she finally tells him that they can’t fuck on the counter because she’s 16! He’s like “…the fuck!?” as Grams walks in and starts raising hell, telling him he’d better get the fuck out of her house if he doesn’t want a Bible shoved up his ass. The full moon strikes again!
Andi finds Pacey still hanging at her house. How long has he been there? I realize that these are all parallel events happening concurrently, but if he’s been there for an hour, has he been sitting in the living room by himself that whole time? She tries to get him to leave to take her on their date, and he tells her that she’s being a rude asshole, and that he’s not going to pass up a free, home cooked meal. She really starts laying on the neuroses (even more so than usual), and Pacey just gets more and more confused. He finally cracks her and she reveals that Tim died! The full moon strikes again.
Jack fucks up while trying to fix the lobster tank, cutting off the diner’s lights. The lone patron makes a suggestion about unplugging it and plugging it back in, which naturally works like a charm. Despite the fact that he just saved Joey potentially hundreds of dollars in lobster, she continues throwing shade at him. Jack tells her that she needs to chill; they don’t know his story. Maybe his wife or kids died or left him and he just wanted to be around people. Joey shows a bit of humanity, finally realizing that maybe everyone has a story (hahahaha, I’m sure that will stick), and they turn around to find that the patron has mysteriously vanished. They go to investigate and Joey makes a snarky remark about how he didn’t tip (I knew it wouldn’t stick!). Jack picks up the napkin where he was sitting and finds $100 underneath. Joey, apparently time warping to 1902, thinks they’re rich! Jack reads the napkin aloud, which is a poem about the cliched “kissing while you’re still alive” theme. They sit quietly for a second, and Jack leans in and kisses Joey on the lips. The full moon strikes again!
Dawson is pissed at his parents for not telling him what was going on. Bro Dad sits there and makes excuses, while Gail just keeps throwing shade at Bro Dad for being unemployed. They start fighting again, and Bro Dad finally tells her that he’s sick of feeling unsupported by the woman who fucked another dude behind his back. Gail leaves. Are their guests still there? That would be weird. Dawson freaks the fuck out on Bro Dad and tells him he needs to make a fucking decision already. Shit or get off the pot! Bro Dad has a meltdown, saying he doesn’t know what to do because his dad is dead, and his dad knew how to fix everything. His meltdown gives Dawson pause, and he backs off.
Grams is fucking furious with Jen. Jen tells her that she had it under control and Grams lays down the fucking hammer, telling Jen to get her shit together or get the fuck out. As she goes to leave, she cuts deep by asking Jen if she has absolutely no self-respect.
Andi tells Pacey the story of Tim. Again, where has her mom been this whole time? He got killed in a car accident, and her mom kind of snapped from of a feeling of responsibility over it. Her dad left when her mom got weird, so Andi pretty much takes care of her because Jack is useless. She’s overwhelmed by it all and wishes she had someone to lean on. Pacey hugs her.
Joey and Dawson sit on the roof staring at the bloodthirsty moon, neither of them really feeling like talking. Dawson breaks the silence by talking about the man on the moon in some stupid, not at all flirtatious way that he seems to think is adorable. Joey keeps acting weird, so they go back to sitting quietly.
Bro Dad comes in to the living room and seems genuinely surprised that their guests left. What did you expect, Bro Dad? Gail stares off into the distrance and tells him that “It’s time”. Bro Dad offers to go. Oh no!
Over the last 90 seconds we’re treated to an almost laughable series of shots set to that “My Hands” song from the 90s that sounded like it was being sung by a goat. Natalie Merchant, maybe? I’m not going to Google it. Anyway, Dawson starts crying, Joey hugs him, Jack rereads the poem in the darkened diner, Pacey and Andi keep hugging in the kitchen, the moon continues to lust for blood, fade to black.
The full moon strikes again.
3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons