Season 2, Episode 3: Alternative Lifestyles

Oh man, I wonder if the title is referring to Bro Dad wanting to revenge-bang other women (not really wondering if the title is referring to Bro Dad wanting to revenge-bang other women, BTW)!

Bro Dad finally smartened up and takes the ladder down from Dawson’s window!  I wonder if he got a home owner’s insurance quote or something, and they were like “Why the fuck is there a ladder leading into your son’s bedroom!?  Don’t you realize you could save like $12.34 a month by taking that down?” and Bro Dad was like “Hell yeah!”.  It turns out he’s taking it down as a precautionary measure to keep Joey from sneaking into Dawson’s room so they can make out/maybe have some heavy petting.  Dawson is appalled, because he thinks his dad is hypocritical as a hyper sexual being for not allowing a fellow sexual being to get theirs.  He protests about this new found supervision and Bro Dad tells him tough titties.  During the exchange, we learn that Dawson and Joey haven’t gone to Pound Town yet.  Bro Dad leaves and Joey comes out of the closet and they start making out.  Oh man, snuck one over on old Bro Dad!  He comes back in, tells Joey to get the fuck out of his house, and grounds Dawson.  Finally, some parental involvement in a child’s life on this show that doesn’t involve fluffing them and their stupid, cornball movies.


Jesus, that paragraph was 242 words for 3 minutes of television.  This is going to be a long one.

Whoa, we’re dealing with shaky camera, which must mean that Joey is stressed.  There’s a baby crying in the background and Bessie is freaking out about the health department doing a surprise inspection of the restaurant sometime that week.  Doesn’t that ruin the whole element of surprise, letting them know when you’re stopping in?  Now they have time to put up a facade.  Bessie, being the older, wiser sibling, encourages Joey to skip school to go clean up the restaurant, rattling off a list of things that need to be done that makes the restaurant sound super disgusting.

Gail lets Bro Dad know that she still loves him, even though she thinks he’s a pig for proposing an open marriage.  Bro Dad is appalled and calls the whole thing off, flip flopping for a third time by telling her that at least in an open marriage, the honesty will return.  Gail isn’t pleased about any of this, but tells him that if fucking a stranger to get even with her is going to make him feel better, he should totally go for it.  Bro Dad decides to call the whole thing off instead.


Abby is still reeling from the news that Jen wants Dawson back, citing his very apparent nerdiness.  But, she tells her that if she really wants him back, then she needs to make it happen.  I’m not sure I like this new Jen.

Andi needs to borrow Pacey’s notes for their economics class which he naturally doesn’t have.  She starts acting super neurotic and he tells her that her rich ass needs to chill the fuck out and just say “Pass” if she gets called on.  Since consequences don’t exist in The Creek, this is exactly what happens; she has no idea, passes, and the teacher moves right on with his lesson.  Needless to say, I doubt The Creek’s graduates are attending Yale.  The teacher explains their “alternative lifestyles” assignment to them, wherein they’ll pair up and have to settle on a budget for their fictitious family based on a determined living situation.  Andi and Pacey end up working together, and he doesn’t even give Pacey a fighting chance, making him a lower-middle class bus driver.  It almost seems mean.  Dawson and Jen get paired up, and Joey becomes a single mother.

Joey thinks the assignment is super lame and unrealistic because how the fuck is she supposed to pretend to be something in 10 years if she has no idea what she’ll be doing in 10 years?  Idiot teacher.  She tells Dawson that Jen is totes creaming her panties at the thought of working with Dawson and he reassures her that everything will be fine.


Abby sees the assignment as the perfect opportunity to remind Dawson what a good couple he and Jen were and encourages her to make her move.  I know discussing fake budgets over fake lifestyle scenarios always gets me all hot and bothered, which is probably why Jen thinks she has a chance.

Jack, Andi’s idiot brother, can’t even mop a floor, dumping the water out in order to do so.  Joey freaks out on him and asks him if he’s retarded and Bessie tells her she needs to relax.  Joey explains that her bullshit assignment has her all stressed out because she’ll never be a successful single mother in real life and Bessie offers to let her interview herself, being a small business owner/mother and all.  Joey blatantly insults her, telling her that she’s a shitty mother and a terrible business owner.  Wonder if she’d still feel that way that if Bessie kicked her ass to the curb.


Pacey can’t seem to keep focused on his assignment.  ADHD would explain so much about his character.  They’re over budget because he wants a goddamn Viper.  Andi tells him to act like an adult, and he agrees to go apartment hunting with her.  What kind of assignment is this that 15 year olds would be expected to apply for a mortgage to find out about its ins-and-outs?

Oh shit, Gail caught a ride home with her co-worker, having the audacity to kiss him on the cheek and Bro Dad isn’t pleased about it!  He tells her that an open marriage takes away all the rules, except honesty, and proposes that Thursday night be date night going forward.


Jen and Dawson are working on this stupid assignment together, and everyone is taking it way too seriously, particularly her.  She’s getting all turned on, talking about their kids going to college and lays it on way too thickly, remarking that she’s glad they can still hang out without anything changing.  Dawson sees right through this and tells her that shit has changed, and he leaves.

Aww, Pacey and Andi are having a fight that mirrors a real relationship.  I don’t really blame him, though, because Andi says that they’ve looked at 12 (TWELVE!!) shitty apartments.  I would’ve asked the teacher for a new partner or Joey if I could marry her after 3.  He flips out on Andi and tells her that her rich, spoiled, bratty self has no idea how to relate to a lower middle class bus driver, boring me with his life story in the process and she tells him to fuck off.


Joey interviews an interior designer who is also a single mom.  The interior designer then asks Joey for her advice on a project because 15 year olds are definitely wise enough to put your client’s needs on.

Abby, who they show has by now established is a huge whore, can’t believe that Jen hasn’t gotten it in yet.  Kenny, Abby’s partner for this ridiculous assignment, chimes in that Joey is hot, so Dawson can’t see past her, prompting Abby to tell Jen that she needs to slut it up to get his attention.  Jen agrees.

Gail is lighting candles for dinner when Bro Dad walks in.  He asks what’s up, and Gail tells him she thought a nice dinner would be romantic.  He tells her that he made other plans, because it’s Thursday.  Wait, did they ever agree on the open marriage?  Nothing was ever settled on, which means that Bro Dad just make the biggest decision in his marriage without approval.


Joey is at Dawson’s and is wicked pysched about her mentorship with the interior designer.  Did I black out during like 6 minutes of this episode?  When did that happen?  Gail leaves, citing it being Thursday night, and Joey thinks that’s the perfect opportunity for some tonsil hockey.  Too bad Jen shows up to spoil the party, looking all slutted up in a little dress.  Joey leaves, throwingshade at Jen on her way out the door.  Jen proposes moving the party to the bedroom, most likely within earshot of Joey, since Joey had walked out the door literally 4 seconds earlier.


Bessie is still pissed at Joey for being a condescending bitch and good for her.  She has every right to be.  Joey is nothing but ungrateful and expects the world to be handed to her.  I’m getting way too angry about this.  Joey flips right the fuck back out on Bessie, telling her that she’s sick of not being able to continue thinking about herself, what with being expected to work and occasionally help with the baby.

Pacey approaches Jack and asks him what his sister’s big fucking problem is.  Jack tells him that the dynasty is over and their family is poor again, which is probably why Andi got so pissed.  Even if they were rich, Pacey shouldn’t go around counting other peoples’ money, so hopefully he learned a lesson here.  Probably not though.


Gail goes to a coffee shop to troll for dick.  Bro Dad is at a bar.  Both are striking out.

Dawson is clearly uncomfortable with how hard Jen is trying to give him an erection.  She rubs his back, plays with his ear, the whole 9 yards.  She asks to crash, and Dawson tells her that she needs to beat it.  She gets all pissy with him and he calls her on acting like a desperate whore.  He says she’s humiliating herself and she tells him that she doesn’t care, because she doesn’t respect he and Joey’s relationship.  Why doesn’t Dawson remind her why she broke up with him?  She wants him to know that he has options.  After going in for a failed kiss, she leaves, looking like she realized how pathetic she is.


As Bro Dad and Gail get into bed, they each lie about what they did with their evenings.  Looks like the honesty is still missing, Bro Dad.  As he goes in for a kiss, she rolls over. He doesn’t look happy.   Casualties of the open marriage, Bro Dad.

Bessie fires Joey!  Literally fires her, but her reasons are so saccharine they’re giving me cavities.  She wants Joey to have a life and doesn’t want to rob her of her childhood.  You know, expecting her to help out a little bit.  Joey, acting bipolar, tells her that she wants to maintain the status quo, and that she loves Bessie.  Holy shit!  Joey showing some gratitude!  I must be dreaming!


Andi, still pissed at Pacey, only did her half of the assignment, selling Pacey up the creek (no pun intended).  Pacey,  completely uncharacteristically, shows up, having done the whole project.  Why is everyone being so weird?

After class, Dawson is really patronizing about Joey having any kind of personal drive or ambition, which is hypocritical for the guy who made all his friends participate in his lame, cornball movie and constantly cites Spielberg as his motivation for being a filmmaker.  I assume that Joey thinks all this and chooses to ignore him, because they start making out.  Pacey apologizes to Andi for assuming that she was rich and it gets all cutesy because they start fighting again like they’re married.  They walk past a car, and a head turns and…


Oh shit you guys, Tamara is back!


Crying Dawson Scale






3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons


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