We’re treated to an infomercial about a make-your-own-sausage machine as the camera pans over to Dawson and Joey rolling around in bed, making out. Looks like the guy on the infomercial isn’t the only one making sausage, amirite? The room lightens a bit and a hand reaches down to turn off the TV. Who is this mysterious voyeur? Why, none other than Dawson’s parents, who stand in the doorway, aghast.
Pacey failed his driver’s test, which is apparently a written test in The Creek, based on the classroom he took it in. He tries to use his charms to get the instructor to give him some bonus points because it’s his birthday and all she does is wish him a happy birthday. Just keep stealing cars and driving illegally, Pacey. I don’t see what the big fucking deal is.
Bro Dad talks sex and babies with Dawson, as he rummages through the fridge looking for his dignity. Hey, Bro Dad, you’ve all but fucked Gail in front of Dawson how many times now, maybe take some responsibility for Dawson’s rampant sexuality. As Joey comes over to get Dawson for school, Gail catches her on the porch and gives her a book called “Reproduction and Repercussions”, telling her it would probably be a good idea for her to read it. They were just making out, you two! Bro Dad follows a clearly uncomfortable Dawson out of the house and tells him, “No glove, no love”, and I just think Bro Dad is the best. Dawson and Joey book it out of there as Dawson’s parents wax nostalgic on how their little baby can now pop boners.
Dawson catches Pacey at school and Pacey unloads the news about his driver’s test. Dawson doesn’t give a shit and tells him about Bro Dad and Gail giving them sex ed lectures. Pacey’s all, “Weren’t you listening, bro? I failed my test! Today, of all days,” implying that the day is important for some reason. Dawson makes it clear that he really doesn’t give a shit about Pacey’s problems, so Pacey leaves.
Pacey finds Jen and tells her that he’s having a case of the “Molly Ringwalds”, which are probably way worse than the Mondays. It’s his 16th birthday today, he failed his driver’s test, and his best friend has his head so far up his new girlfriend’s ass that he forgot about their bromantic trip for two to Maine to celebrate. He wants to be happy for them, but Dawson is making it hard by being so selfish. Jen tells him he should say “Fuck it”, and celebrate his birthday without Dawson and Joey. He thinks that’s a great idea, and bails on Jen, leaving her looking like he probably should have invited her along.
Hey guys, Abby is back! And she’s still as bitchy as ever! Not only did Pacey not invite Jen to his party, but she has menstrual cramps, so they gym teacher makes her clean up trash instead of participating. That’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. Abby tells her she’s an idiot for not stealing her doctor’s stationery and making up a disease to get out of class and asks her how she was ever cool enough to get into clubs in New York. Jen throws shade back her way and tells her that the clubs Abby is referencing are so last year, which intrigues Abby enough to become Jen’s new friend!
Joey and Dawson are making out at her house, and Dawson tells her that he’s relieved it was her his parents walked in on him making out with. Apparently, Jen would’ve been worse? I don’t know. Or is he secretly coming out? Whatever. Apparently his line of thinking is that since he knows everything about her, it makes it easier somehow. Joey tells him he’s full of shit if he thinks he knows everything about her. They start tongue fucking again and the baby starts crying. Oh man, how are they going to make sausage now? Joey goes to quiet the kid, and Dawson finds her diary on the bed. Of course he has to read it. As he does, his face gets super serious, and when Joey comes back in, he makes a shitty excuse and bails. I’m totally having a Brad Pitt, “What’s in the box!?” moment, you guys.
To celebrate his birthday, Pacey is throwing a dock party. Dawson is still clueless as to why he would be throwing himself a party, and reveals that Joey’s diary said that his cornball monster movie was a piece of shit, and that she thinks Dawson is a hack of a director. SHOTS FUCKING FIRED! She’s pretty blunt, but his bigger issue is that she hasn’t been honest with him about what she thinks of his stupid movie. Pacey finally has enough and tells Dawson to shut the fuck up because his life isn’t that interesting and he needs to get over himself. For once, I agree with Pacey.
Andi (from last episode) approaches Joey and asks if there’s any chance her brother Jack can get a job at the diner. I don’t know why I felt the need to fill you in on that.
Dawson, looking totally fly in his shorts, sneakers, and calf-high socks, finds Joey and tries fishing for “honest” answers from her regarding his monster movie. She lies to him and tells him he’s inspired and his movie was awesome, and asks him why he’s being so insecure. Suddenly, the light bulb comes on and she asks him if he read her diary. He confesses that he did, and she freaks the fuck out at him, telling him that was a giant invasion of her privacy and she could sue him. Simmer down, Joey. While I agree that what he did was bullshit, that lawsuit would be a waste of everyone’s time.
Bro Dad has a dock friend named Cole, who stereotypically pulls two beers out of an ice chest filled with fish. Awesome! Fishy beer! We get a back and forth scene between him and Cole and Grams and Gail talking about their relationship problems. I don’t care how guilty I felt, I would never go to Grams to discuss my infidelity. One: it might kill her. Two: that frigid bitch is judgmental as hell. Gail keeps trying to go sexy to get Bro Dad back, and Cole thinks that maybe Bro Dad should go out and slay some underage tail as a sort of revenge-fuck. Not great advice, Cole. Continuing to weaken an already shaky marital foundation isn’t the best way to reconcile, in my opinion. Bro Dad seems less-than-thrilled about the idea.
Jen regales Abby with stories of the hotties from NYC, and Abby proposes that the two of them should go find some hotties at Pacey’s party. She even swiped a bottle of champagne for the occasion! Very Special Episode alert, everyone!
Dawson confronts Joey at her place of employment, like the mature boy he is. He tells her that she practically threw the diary at him, what did she expect? She tells him that he’s an asshole, and didn’t need to read it, even if she did leave it out. Aww, their first fight, you guys! She tells him that these privacy issues are part of a larger insecurity issue, and he doesn’t really know her at all if he remains focused on the privacy issue. Before the fight can go on, Jack, Andi’s brother, shows up and Joey gives him a job on the spot as a dishwasher.
Andi shows up at Pacey’s party, uninvited mind you, and immediately starts being a bitch to Pacey. He tells her to leave his ass alone and go mingle with the other people, however we’re left with the impression that he doesn’t know most of the people at his party either. It actually seems like a pretty lame party (I think I counted three Solo cups), but at least there are Super Soakers!
But yeah, the party is pretty awkward and Pacey is definitely not enjoying himself. To make matters worse, Dawson shows up and immediately starts bitching about Joey again. Pacey tells him that he’s had enough of Dawson’s whiny bullshit. Dawson finally realizes that it’s Pacey’s birthday and they were supposed to go on a romantic trip for two to Maine, but now it’s too late.
Jen is clearly wasted, her tits hanging out, and Abby dares her to kiss the next guy who walks by. As fate would have it, that guy is Dawson, who’s reeling from the revelation that he’s a shitty friend and boyfriend. Jen kisses him, and he asks her what the fuck she thinks she’s doing. She’s mortified and runs off. Abby’s all, “Smooth move, Ex Lax”, and chases after her.
Jack is eyeballing Joey, and she asks him what his fucking deal is. He asks her about her fight with Dawson, and tells her that the make up is the best part of any fight, so she should go get hers. Joey is super patronizing about needing to close up the restaurant, and he tells her that he’s pretty sure he can shut off some lights and lock a door, so she leaves.
Fuck yeah, more Super Soakers! Dawson apologizes to Pacey again, and Pacey tells him that it doesn’t matter, he doesn’t want to be the third wheel to Dawson and Joey’s relationship anymore. Haven’t the three of you been friends, or at least acquaintances, since you were really little? How does the two of them making out on the reg change anything?
Gail tries again to get Bro Dad to pork her, and he stops her. He tells her that he doesn’t want a divorce, but that things need to change. He feels that the honesty is gone from their marriage, and the only way that it can return is by exploring new possibilities. He’s not really making much sense, and then finally spits it out, asking her if she’d be up for having an open marriage. She’s quite understandably taken aback.
Naturally, it starts raining at the dock party when Joey shows up, because she’s the worst. Dawson spots her and they kind of smell each others’ necks for 30 seconds as some kind of anti-rain dance or something. He explains to her that Pacey’s pissed at him, he’s finally realized that he’s been a turd, and it’s no wonder she thinks he’s a talentless hack. She confesses that she’s liked Dawson for a while, and insulting him in her diary was her way of coping with the fact that he had Jen instead of her. She’s always thought he was “talented and extraordinary”. Ugh. Dawson is relieved that Joey thinks highly of him and they kiss.
Abby and Jen must have finished that whole bottle of champagne, because they’re barfing over the dock. They talk shit on Dawson and Joey from about 15 feet away, saying that they’re too cornbally to ever fuck. Jen tells Abby to stop knocking Dawson because she still loves him and wants him back. Abby can’t figure out why she’d want him back, but, like an enabler, vows to get him back for her.
Andi, having overheard Dawson and Pacey’s fight, has a present for him that she was going to give to her brother for Christmas. It’s a Magic 8 Ball. Super cool gift, Andi. Make sure you don’t mention it to your brother; he’ll be so bummed you foisted that off on Pacey. Since Pacey is a perpetual fuck up, he immediately drops it into the water, which has to be some kind of bad omen (fingers crossed). Andi tells him that he’s being too hard on himself, and that he might not be a loser if he just tried to be a better person. Trust me, Andi, it doesn’t always work like that.
Dawson and Joey are still making out. Finally, he ejaculates in his pants, and, like a true gentleman, tells her to find her own ride home because he has to talk to Pacey. He offers to give Pacey a ride home on his motorboat, probably because the dock is too shallow for his house boat to come pick him up, and apologizes again for forgetting his birthday. Pacey finally accepts and tells him that it sucks, because he’s going to miss Dawson. Dawson’s all, “We’re BFFs! I’ll always have time for you!”, and proposes that they do their romantic trip to Maine right then and there, despite the fact that neither of them have a license and it’s about 11:00 at night. Weirdos.
3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons