Season 1, Episode 12: Beauty Contest

So last week we opened with Dawson watching a horror movie that sounded like porn.  This week, the episode opens with Dawson legitimately watching lady bugs bone.  Next week is promising, folks.  Joey is unimpressed with the male lady bug’s performance, and Dawson asks her how she thinks he chooses which other lady bugs he gets his freak on with.  She says it’s all animal instinct, and that people are exactly the same; they fuck who they want to fuck.  Dawson doesn’t see it that way, and thinks there has to be more to it than just primal instinct.  In case we aren’t figuring it out, Dawson is having a hard time figuring out if he wants to pork Joey or Jen.


“Windjammer Days” are coming up, and part of the festivities include a beauty pageant.  Generally, it’s attended by rich assholes, but this year they lowered the bar and asked Gail and Dawson to attend and run a news segment on the pageant.  Joey thinks it’s derivative and juvenile, naturally, until it’s revealed that the prize is $5,000.  Think of what a drop in the bucket for college expenses that would be!  Dawson encourages Jen to do it, what with being so pretty and all, but is kind of a dick about it, giving her backhanded compliments that make it sound like it would be a giant joke if she did.  The girls leave and Pacey tells Dawson that his plan of being a dick to Jen to make her want him back may be misguided.  I hate that I agree with the teacher-fucker.

Joey is still super focused on getting a scholarship, and Jen tells her that she really should consider entering the pageant, because she’s super pretty and talented and stuff.  Joey’s eyes nearly roll out of her skull, and Jen thinks that this is the perfect time broach the topic of them becoming friends again, because Jen apparently can’t take 11 episodes’ worth of hints.  Joey initially blows her off, then accepts her offer of friendship and to let her coach her for the pageant!


Adding further fuel to my Pacey hatred fire, he has a Patriots poster in his locker.  Dawson strolls up and Pacey unloads on him, telling him that his dad told him he’s tired of his son being a colossal fuck up and will gladly kick his ass out of the house boat.  There are consequences to actions on this show after all!  He’s going to get an apartment, but needs cash in order to do so.  Oh, I know!  He should enter the Windjammer Pageant, which is exactly what he’s going to do!  Dawson thinks this will take his news story about the pageant all the way to the TOP, and tells Pacey that he’s on board.

Unsurprisingly, Joey shows up to the pageant wearing dumpy clothes.  Pacey gets all pissy with the pageant coordinators because he thinks it’s “unconstitutional” that they won’t let him compete.  Dawson is blown away when he learns that Joey, not Jen, is there to enter the pageant and mocks her for doing so.  He really is kind of a dick about it, and Joey rightfully gets pissed and tells him to go fuck himself.

Pacey gets to enter after all!  None of the other girls are as amused as he is, especially not Hannah, some super rich girl who acts like her shit doesn’t stink.  She calls Pacey out for the pathetic, untalented loser that he is.


To help Joey prepare for the pageant, which will apparently span several weeks and/or years, Jen has her balance a book on her head.  Joey thinks it’s remedial and tiresome, and Jen calls her out for being a cunt to the person who’s trying to help her.  Joey acknowledges that she’s been a bitch, but asks Jen why she’s so hung up on her.  Jen has never had a girl friend, you guys!  She just really thinks that her and Joey could be besties, because, again, she can’t take a fucking hint!

In what may be the funniest scene in the series, Pacey sings to Bro Dad to prepare for the pageant.  Not well, mind you, but it’s super funny.  Dawson tells Pacey that he could change history if he wins, and Bro Dad doesn’t help the situation by encouraging Pacey to change the game.  Just when I was starting to like you, Bro Dad.



Over a quick scene, we learn that Joey fears that Dawson will never see her sexually, and that Dawson thinks that anything between him and Joey would be incestuous, as he sees her as a sister.  Jen talks Joey down by telling her there are “other fish in the sea”, which I don’t see how that’s helpful, and Pacey tells Dawson to get a fucking grip.

Dawson’s job at the pageant is to do the pre-interviews, including one with a girl who refers to special needs kids as “retarded”.  Pacey is going to do magic for his talent, and Hannah shows up and tells him that he’s a loser.  He makes an empty threat about how she’ll be the loser.

Joey sits down to do her interview, and, of course, treats the whole thing with sarcastic disdain.  Dawson tells her to knock it the fuck off if she wants to win, and she begins answering the questions genuinely, albeit stupidly.  Through one, we learn that she plans on getting far, far away from The Creek as soon as she can, and Dawson gets caught off guard and is saddened by this revelation.  She tells him that life changes, even if he doesn’t want it to, and he needs to grow up and accept that.  I really don’t get what Dawson or Jen see in her.


Joey is still doubting herself and decides that she doesn’t want to do the pageant anymore.  Jen continues fluffing her balls by telling her that she’s so pretty and stuff, and Dawson keeps telling Pacey that he doesn’t think he’s a tool for entering a beauty pageant.

We get to the evening wear portion of the pageant, and all the dresses are remarkably 90s.





Joey comes out in a little black number, and Dawson pops a boner, stage left.  Jen can’t help but notice Dawson’s attraction to Joey, and Pacey asks her if it makes her jealous that Dawson wants her frigid poon instead.  She gets upset and leaves.

Following a montage of shitty, shitty talents that aren’t worthy of a beauty pageant set to the ska stylings of Less Than Jake (appropriate), Pacey asks Gail how she thinks he’s doing.  I can’t really tell if he’s trying to hit on her or not.  In light of all the recent events, it wouldn’t surprise me if they fucked, what with him banging older ladies, and her sleeping around town.  Anywho, he gets upset when she tells him that while he’s killing it, being a funny loser and all, he doesn’t stand a chance.  For some reason, this comes as a total surprise to him, and he gets all pissed off.

This episode has been really hammering home last names.  Seriously.  They’ve mentioned everyone’s last name at least three times.  Josephine Potter comes out to sing us a song.  I didn’t know the bitch could sing!  Before she takes the stage, Jen tells Joey she’s really super pumped that they’re friends now.  Dawson tells Jen that she did a really great job with Joey, as evidenced by his erection, and Jen tells him that she really misses her and Dawson’s friendship.  This convesation goes nowhere.

Of fucking course Joey is singing a motherfucking Les Miserables song in her goddamn chipmunky singing voice.  It’s bad.  And because the producers hate you, they make you watch the entire performance.  I’m not fucking joking.  It’s like they needed to burn off four minutes to get to air.  It’s awful and downright sadistic.


Pacey is suddenly super nervous to do his magic routine, knowing he won’t win anyway, and asks Dawson if he ever really believed he could win.  Dawson admits that he was just being selfish, and was hoping that the story he was putting together would be better.  Pacey tells him that he’s an asshole, and decides that if he’s going out, he may as well go out with a bang.  Dawson is suddenly concerned for his friend.

Said bang is absolutely fucking nothing.  Pacey does a “dramatic interpretation” of William Wallace’s classic speech from Braveheart.  That’s it.  And people think it’s funny, for whatever reason.


Hannah, being the giant bitch that she is, talks shit about Joey behind her back for having such a pathetic and fucked up life, and Joey overhears everything.  Dawson sees this all going down and tells her that he’s proud of her for doing the pageant, and hopes she’ll go out there and curb stomp Hannah’s rich ass.

And curb stomp her she does!  When questioned by the pageant overseer or whatever they are about advice she might have for today’s youth, she looks at Hannah and says that she’d encourage them to not be small-minded!  You go, girl!  Hannah looks indignant briefly before going back to counting her money.

So we finally get to the moment we’ve been waiting for; the announcement of the winners.  Motherfucking Hannah comes in Third Place, winning two matinee tickets to the theater.  Talk about a HUGE disparity.  First Place is five-fucking-thousand dollars, and third place is two $4 ticket vouchers.  Second Place is a day trip to Hair Barn, and our own Josephine Potter wins that!  And in a move that shatters the mold, First Place goes to some chick who had 13 seconds of screen time earlier.


Gail gushes over Joey’s terrible performance afterwards, while a befuddled Dawson stands by awkwardly.  He’s speechless, and I kind of wonder if it’s because he’s trying to figure out the best way to ask her if she’d be willing to share her trip to Hair Barn with him.  Jen sees them sort of talking, and leaves the scene.  She may be the most aggravating character on this show.

Dawson is so super stoked that Joey did the pageant and came in Second Place!  He’s as giddy as a schoolgirl, and tells Joey he thought she was super hot in her evening wear.  She apologizes to Dawson, because now that she didn’t win, she thinks that maybe she led him on by entering the pageant.  What!?  She’s not amused that he’s shallow and could only sport a boner after seeing her in a dress, and thinks he’s pathetic for not doing boners over her for all those other years.  Dawson doesn’t understand what’s going on and doesn’t want to ruin their relationship before it even begins, and Joey tells him she has to leave before she stabs him in the throat.


Pacey throws shade at Hannah for being a loser, like him.  He backpedals a bit and says that at least she won’t have to live at home for her whole life, a prospect that seems to be slowly becoming reality with each passing day for himself.  She tells him that while she may have money and be super hot, her life isn’t that great and her parents don’t really like her.  Insert Nelson Muntz’s “HA HA” here.

Dawson, who was apparently raised to sulk after facing rejection, is doing exactly that when Jen stops over.  She asks the little baby what’s wrong, and he says he’s not sure.  She tells him that she was kind of a bitch to him for breaking up without ever providing a reason, and wants him back (didn’t she just make out with Cliff last episode?), now that she can see that he’s moved on.  He tells her that he appreciates her finally realizing she’s fucking whacked, but that he needs to figure some shit out right now, because the poor baby doesn’t know how to handle two girls wanting to bone him.  She tells him that she’ll wait for him, when he’s ready.

Again, I’m not really sure if they had no clue how to get to the full time for the episode, but the last minute or so is just shots of Joey brushing her hair and Dawson staring into the distance, each slowly smiling.  That’s it.  For a good minute or so.



And because the producers hate you, they make you listen to Joey’s chipmunk voice sing that stupid fucking song again.


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