Dear God, call the fire brigade! Dawson isn’t watching a movie! Instead, he’s sitting by his window looking out, all mopey. He’s obviously sad that Jen broke up with him, but I can’t believe that he’s not watching a goddamn movie. Joey climbs in through the other window and expresses how shocked she is that Dawson isn’t masturbating furiously to Spielberg and tells him he needs to get over it. He isn’t the first person to be dumped, and he’s sort of getting off on the break up. Dawson tells her that it’s hard when everything reminds him of Jen, but relents and agrees to watch a movie with Joey. Phew. I was worried. He turns on his VCR and his cornball movie comes on, perfectly set to the footage he shot of Jen. I don’t want to know what he’s been doing with that footage.
Wait, Billy is still around? Didn’t Jen break up with him too? Since he’s a moron of epic proportions, he breaks and enters into Jen’s room. Yeah, at Grams’. He’s incredibly nonchalant about the whole thing too. Makes himself right at home in Jen’s bed when Grams walks in the room. Obviously, Grams isn’t thrilled to see him there and calls Jen up, telling Billy if he doesn’t get the fuck out of her house in two minutes, she’s calling the cops. Jen asks Billy what the fuck he thinks he’s doing, and Billy explains that he heard through the grapevine that she and Dawson were done, which means the two of them can get back together. Billy is a stranger in The Creek; who’s going around telling him that Jen and Dawson broke up? It’s not like there’s Facebook. Jen tells Billy she broke up with both of them for a reason and Billy leaves, only after telling her that she used to be fun and he’s sorry he wasted his time.
Oh boy, now Billy is hanging around Dawson’s. He chides Dawson for being a cry baby about the break up and tells him he needs to be less insane about it. Dawson can’t get Jen out of his head, and probably shouldn’t admit this to the person who’s been actively trying to keep them separated, so Billy proposes that Dawson take a roadtrip with him to Providence. They’ll go to a club, and Dawson can see that there are other film nerds out there who might be into him. Dawson agrees to go, as he sees it as an opportunity to make Jen jealous. Wait, what?
Some football player, Warren, sees Joey walking to school and offers to give her a ride in his sick Jeep. After some boring conversation about Ted Bundy, he tells Joey to whip out her nipples. Joey is understandably offended, and Warren says he didn’t mean to piss off her boyfriend Dawson. Joey tells him they aren’t dating and he’s all, “Whatever, you’re totes a virgin anyway”. Joey tells him he can fuck off.
So now Billy is hanging around the school, waiting to pick up Dawson. Seriously, where’s security? He doesn’t even look like a high school student. Dawson mentions his roadtrip to Pacey, and Pacey is immediately on board. Like, he’s happier than a pig in shit. Jen sees Billy and asks him what the fuck is up, and Billy tells her that he’s taking the boys to a brothel. Jen basically tells him she doesn’t care (again) and runs off to Joey. Apparently, Warren (the football player) has been telling everyone that he got in Joey’s pants.
Over a quick scene on a ferry (not Pacey’s houseboat, unfortunately), Pacey asks Dawson what his motives are here. He’s such a straight laced guy; skipping school, even after turning in his math homework, is remarkably uncharacteristic. Dawson doesn’t have an answer for him.
Joey confronts Warren about the rumor he started, and he tells her that she should thank him, because he’s bringing her up to the major leagues. By doing a football player, she only stands to gain in popularity, something she desperately needs, according to Warren and myself. Joey says she’d never let Warren be her boyfriend, and he tells her that he just wants to fuck her; drop the boyfriend talk.
Joey turns to Jen for comfort, even though Jen believed the rumor too. I cannot figure their relationship out. Joey hates Jen, loves Jen, hates Jen, loves Jen. It would be enough to make my head spin, if I were to really give a shit. Jen brings up Dawson’s trip to the brothel and Joey gets pissy, because why shouldn’t the conversation be centered on her for seven seconds? Jen suggests a way to get back at Warren and Joey agrees.
Pacey continues asking Dawson what his motivations are, what with skipping school and going to a club. Dawson is too tight assed and uptight to do something that could get him in trouble. There are these three goons who are harassing an old woman who is sitting in her car (they literally dump beer on her windshield, for no reason aside from establishing that they’re giant dicks), and Dawson tells Pacey he can prove him wrong about being a foppish do-gooder.
Abby, from two episodes ago, if you’ll remember, sees Joey making photocopies and obnoxiously goads her for banging Warren. We find out what Jen’s brilliant revenge idea was as Joey tells Abby that she’s pregnant with Warren’s baby now. Abby is shocked, and becomes indignant when Joey says that she told Warren and he’s not interested. All of this has happened in a matter of hours, by the way.
We learn what Dawson’s brilliant prank was; vehicular destruction. He puts a chain around the axle of the goons’ car, moons them, and relishes in their misery when their axle is pulled off their car, guaranteed to have totaled it. No biggie.
At the club, which is really just a bar, Billy tells Dawson to get him some. He shouldn’t focus on the individual fish in the pond, but on the pond itself and all the fish that make it up. I’m not totally following his analogy. Pacey takes off to get himself some since he hasn’t banged a teacher in a hot minute, telling girls he’s the drummer for Pearl Jam. It doesn’t work.
Joey’s ploy is already backfiring on her as the librarian, also from two episodes ago, if you’ll remember, tells her that she knows she’s pregnant. She wishes Joey had been more careful, and again, this is all in a matter of hours. I cannot stress that enough. We also get a quick cut of Warren opening his locker, and a ton of baby stuff falling out. Why high school kids have baby stuff on them at all times, I’ll never know. Maybe there’s a committee that’s responsible for blacklisting fuck ups. I don’t know. That makes more sense than this timeline.
The boys are still at the bar, and Billy tells Dawson that he knew bringing him would be a waste of time, as he’s not making any kind of move. Naturally, Dawson spies a chick wearing a “Film Threat” t-shirt and goes to awkwardly mack on her. It’s painfully awkward, not to mention that she’s about 35 and WAIT…it’s Carol from “The Walking Dead”!
Joey goes to Jen’s to tell her that she hates her stupid fucking plan now that it’s backfiring. Jen tells Joey that she had her do it because she thought it would be nice for someone to get even with a guy who hurt them. Joey tells Jen that those motives are bullshit and that she should have dealt with her issues regarding Billy and Dawson herself, not by living vicariously through Joey. Jen calls Joey out on her feelings for Dawson and asks her why she always comes running to Jen when she very clearly hates her. Joey gets all sheepish.
Dawson is getting along great with Carol, err, Nina. Obviously, their conversation is about movies, because why wouldn’t it be. Billy is striking out and decides that even though Dawson is doing exactly what Billy wanted him to do, he needs to salt his game. He alludes to the fact that Dawson is in high school, and Carol, err, Nina, is like “whooooa, I need to get out of here”. But, she asks if Dawson wants to come home with her.
Outside Club (that’s what it’s called), Dawson thanks Nina for talking to him. It made him feel good to know that he wouldn’t die a pathetic virgin because he can talk comfortably to women. Nina asks him again if he wants to come over, and he tells her that he doesn’t want to let Jen down, despite the fact that she’s under the impression that he’s at a whorehouse right now. Nina tells him that he’s a good little boy and kisses him.
Abby spies Jen and tells her that she knows Joey’s not pregnant. Jen is like, “Bitch, what are you talking about?”, and Abby tells her that she can’t possibly be pregnant, because she heard through a little birdie that Warren can’t get it up. Jen is amused.
Hang on, they’re still at the bar! How long have they been there? Like, we’re clearly into the next day now; shouldn’t someone have kicked them out, or is Providence some kind of sanctuary for alcoholics? Anyway, Billy is still being a dick to Dawson, and Dawson finally tells him to quit being an asshole and trying to break up him and whichever girl happens to be interested in him at the moment. He calls Billy a loser and Billy rightfully reminds him that that Loser drove him to Providence, and now that Loser is leaving them there. Way to go, Dawson.
Joey confronts Warren again and tells him that she knows he’s a limp dick. She understands his aggressively pathetic need to start up rumors so that girls will find him desirable when his dick doesn’t work. He tells her that the reason he picked her up this morning (what. the. fuck.) was to be nice, and if she’ll give him the chance, he’ll prove he can be a nice guy if she’ll just go out with him. She tells him to fuck off.
Dawson and Pacey are sitting at a bus stop, at night because Providence exists in some alternate dimension of space-time, and Pacey asks what happened between Dawson and Carol, err, Nina. Dawson tells him that nothing happened, and Pacey tells him he’s full of shit, because there’s lipstick on his cheek, even though they kissed on the lips.
Joey goes to Jen’s, who happens to be reading by candlelight, like every high schooler I know, with an ice cream peace offering. Jen tells Joey that she wants to be friends with the girl who’s been nothing but a bitch to her for nine episodes, and doesn’t want their mutual feelings for Dawson to get in the way. Joey tells her that shouldn’t be a problem, and expresses that it’s weird to think of Dawson as a man, now that he’s banged a bunch of whores.
It’s morning when Dawson gets home. I’d worry that his parents are pissed, but they probably had no idea he went to an alternate dimension, given that I’m still not entirely convinced they know that a baby was born in their living room yet. Joey is hanging out in his room and she’s got some news for Dawson. Dawson tells her that he has so much to tell her too, and that it’s going to make her excited, but that he needs to catch some shut eye first. What does he have to tell her? Seriously. That he kissed a woman twice his age at a bar? Riveting stuff. He falls asleep and Joey tucks him in, saying that she can “wait”.