To amend last week’s episode, the reason Bessie asked Joey to paddle her down the creek to the hospital was because their truck got stuck in mud. Joey made the decision to stop at Dawson’s so that they could call 911. Why bring up such inconsequential details? To further illustrate that you do NOT want to be a victim in The Creek. The cops will be too busy trying to bang high school teachers and the paramedics will take 24 hours to get to you.
On to this week’s review!
So Joey and Dawson are watching a movie, and he angrily turns it off because it’s too unrealistic. Men don’t compete for women’s affections by drag racing, or so he believes. Joey corrects him and says that all women want wild guys who drag race. They wrestle for the remote, creating some sexual tension that leads into a conversation about Dawson and Jen not having had sex yet. Dawson says that he’s romantic and Joey says that if Jen was a giant slut in New York, she should be ready to get freaky with Dawson, and that if she isn’t, it’s because there’s probably another guy she’d rather be fucking. Dawson is mad.
Joey is doing a presentation on shogun and talks about how they had 600 concubines. A jock in class can’t seem to wrap his head around this fact, and the teacher never tells him to shut the fuck up for interrupting Joey. This fucking school, I swear to God.
Pacey, having been dumped and realizing he needs a new woman to annoy, is seemingly hitting on Jen, telling her some joke about Oompa Loompas. Dawson walks up and tries to find out what’s so funny, and they both act really weird about it and won’t tell him, which obviously bothers him. Pacey takes off after reminding Dawson that he’s better at basketball than him. Jen says that they should do something crazy this weekend, like river rafting or jumping out of a plane naked. She never mentions a parachute, so I have to assume she’s ready to kill herself since we know that paramedics will never show up.
Jen’s teacher had them read an article on euthanasia, and Jen gets into an argument with him, as he thinks that a doctor’s primary directive is to keep people alive. Jen feels that if someone is dying, they should at least be allowed to die with dignity, and in her tirade, she says that sometimes life is a “bitch”. Her teacher can’t believe his frail, Christian ears. Since he doesn’t appreciate that kind of language, he gives her Saturday detention. Oh no! Her weekend plans! I’ve got to be honest, if she said “life fucking sucks sometimes” or something like that, I could see him sending her to the principal, but a Saturday detention seems a bit extreme.
The jock from Joey’s class cuts in front of her in the lunch line, and when she calls him on it, he refers to himself as a shogun at the school and asks Joey if she’s willing to be his concubine. She gets fucking furious, and in an act of complete shock for this show, kicks him in the nuts and punches him in the face. Guess she’s getting detention too!
Pacey continues his dick-measuring contest with Dawson in gym class, telling Dawson that he should play basketball with him to make him look good in front of the cheerleaders. Why is it that on TV shows cheerleaders always practice during school hours, usually during gym class when there’s other shit going on? Don’t gym teachers have curriculum that they need to follow? I digress. After finding out that Pacey told Jen about Dawson’s nickname being “Oompa Loompa” and never providing context as to why, Dawson throws the ball right in Pacey’s annoying fucking face when he’s not looking. Did Dawson used to eat tons of carrots or something that turned his skin orange? He doesn’t strike me as the spray tanning type.
Dawson and Jen show up to Saturday detention and we see that Pacey is there too, but have no idea why. Pacey has a broken nose from Dawson’s act of aggression. We’re introduced to some chick named Abby, who is whiny and impossibly annoying for only having been on screen for 7 seconds. The librarian informs them that they’re there until 5:00, meaning that they have an 8 hour detention. If I were Jen, I’d be fucking furious for spending an entire day in detention for saying “bitch”. Then again, I’d be pissed if I were the librarian too.
Abby continues berating everyone, myself included, for being in detention, because apparently she also lacks in self-awareness like every other character on this goddamn show. Pacey won’t tell anyone why he’s in detention, and if I find out he’s doing it as an act of solidarity with Dawson, I’m done with this show. After teasing everyone for their reasons for being in detention, Abby reveals that she’s there because she was involved in an ecstasy orgy in the boy’s locker room. Jen’s not the biggest slut in The Creek, it would seem!
I’m actually surprised that they managed to make it all of four minutes without making a “Breakfast Club” reference. I applaud them for their self-restraint. Jen says that movie sucks and the actors all had desolate careers afterwardw. We get a meta moment when Pacey refers to Emilio Estevez and “those duck movies”, saying that they were classic.
Abby gets them a bathroom break, and remarks to Jen and Joey about the sexual tension between the four primary characters. No shit, Abby.
To curb the boredom that would inevitably set in during an eight hour detention, Abby suggests playing Truth or Dare. No one is interested, but she manages to manipulate them into doing so anyway. Pacey gets asked why he’s in detention, and decides to change his request to a Dare. Abby dares Pacey to kiss Jen for 10 seconds. Dawson isn’t thrilled by this, but lets them go through with it anyway, and Pacey looks Dawson in the eyes the entire time he’s kissing his woman.
Joey goes next, and when asked who she likes, also changes her answer to a Dare. Apparently Abby is the President of Truth or Dare or something, as she dares Joey to kiss Dawson for 15 seconds. Jen is uneasy with this Dare, but refuses to say anything as Joey and Dawson essentially make out for 15 seconds. Joey is lovestruck afterwards and decides to make everyone else feel super awkward by outright asking Jen if she wants to fuck Dawson. Jen’s uncomfortable with being put on the spot like that, and everyone, Dawson included, pushes her to answer. She panics and says “yes”, and then tells Joey that she needs to get over the fact that Jen and Dawson are together. Joey gets pissed at being called out for being a jealous, frigid bitch, and Abby asks her if she’s a lesbian. I think I may like Abby after all.
To break the tension, Dawson suggests a jailbreak. The librarian is watching a week’s worth of “Days of our Lives”, so they’ve got at least an hour to kill before she’ll notice they’re gone. What do they do with their freedom? Why, photocopy their asses, of course! Abby suggests that they use the copies to play “Guess My Ass”, which is exactly what it sounds like. Jen guesses Pacey’s ass first and Dawson gets all uppity about it. Pacey tells him to chill out and quit being a jealous prick, to which Dawson replies by calling him a failure. This leads them to the gym to play a game of One-on-One to settle their beef.
They’re both really bad at basketball, you guys. Like, painfully bad to watch. At one point it devolves into them rolling around on the ground together. Jen, Joey and Abby sit on the side and watch, and Joey makes a snide remark about Jen teasing Dawson, and Jen tells Joey that she gives up. She’s tired of Joey being a bitch to her for seemingly no reason. Abby says what we already knew; that Joey is a bitch to Jen because she’s got the hots for Dawson. Then she peaces, leaving Joey and Jen sitting with dumbfounded looks on their faces. Joey explains that she hates Jen because Jen is always nice to her. Makes no sense.
Dawson wins their game and realizes that they need to get back to the library. Only they’re too late! The librarian caught them! As punishment, she dumps out a card catalog and tells them they need to have it sorted by 5:00, or they’ll get another Saturday detention. What would she do if they opted for that? She’d just have a mess of cards to clean and sort herself. This punishment could very easily backfire on her.
Abby decides that she’s not going to help, but takes all the credit when the librarian returns prompting everyone to collectively roll their eyes. The librarian remarks that Abby is a good girl, and shouldn’t let excessive tardies land her in detention again. Oh snap, she’s not a giant slut! The crown returns to Jen!
Despite losing to Dawson fair and square, Pacey still won’t tell everyone why he’s in detention. Dawson blows up on him, telling him that he’s full of shit and that he’s a terrible friend for trying to steal Jen from him. Pacey’s all “What the fuck is your problem, dude? Fine, I’ll tell you, you fucking weirdo.” After Dawson broke his nose, the cheerleaders were all being super nice to Pacey, which led to him popping a boner. Needing some relief, he hopped into the locker room to rub one out, and the gym teacher caught him. Because of this, Dawson can chill with his jealous boyfriend routine, because Pacey’s not that smooth with the ladies after all and isn’t trying to steal Jen.
Upon hearing Pacey’s story, Dawson says that he’s been looking for a reason why Jen won’t bone him, and figured that it had to be another guy. Jen tells Dawson that he’s ridiculous and that she likes him because he’s a good guy, when everyone else in The Creek have been huge dicks to her. Dawson tells her that he respects that she wants to take things slow and doesn’t want to pressure her into stealing his V card, then turns around and tells her that he thinks about fucking her 1,000 times per day. Mind you, everyone is sitting together when they’re having these conversations, which wouldn’t be awkward for Jen at all.
After all these tender moments, Joey legit freaks out and says that Dawson doesn’t need to worry about being a virgin, because at the rate she’s going, she’s going to die a virgin. Everyone feels really bad for her and asks her what’s going through her head. She won’t tell them and Dawson tells her that she needs to get it out there in the open and she starts crying, saying that once it’s out there, she can’t take it back. Because they’re all apparently morons, everyone kind of sits there awkwardly, failing to put the pieces together and the episode ends. No joke.
This episode sucked.