Going to be totally honest, my notes for this episode become fairly indecipherable as they roll along (thanks, wine!), and I don’t have it in me to go back and watch it again. I’m willing to do some things for my readers, but not that. Not today. Not this dogshit episode.
No shit, Dawson is watching a movie in his room! And Joey is there! She goes to leave when the movie ends and Dawson reminds her that they never only watch one movie. In a clever bit of camera work, we find out that Jen’s been there the whole time, we just haven’t been able to see her! Jen feels bad for crashing their movie night to hang with Dawson, so she goes to leave, telling Joey to stay because if Grams sees Joey leave before her, she’ll think they just had a threeway with Dawson and die of a heart attack. Joey doesn’t want to crash their date night and, oh my God, this scene is so awkwardly stilted. The director has mercy on us all and ends the scene with both of them leaving at the same time, leaving Dawson alone to pout and masturbate to another Spielberg movie.
For whatever reason (I didn’t fast forward, that’s the reason), the lack of Paula Cole got to me this episode. The credits for this show are the fucking worst.
I finally learned Joey’s sister’s name. It’s Bessie, you guys. And she’s super pregnant and rattles off all the TV tropes of pregnancy symptoms so we’ll all know that she’s pregnant, in case we’re retarded and hadn’t picked up on it by now. Bodie is off to take a French cuisine class or some shit, and Joey comes in and acts like a bitch towards her sister who is not only pregnant, but has been working her ass off at their restaurant to provide food and shelter for her ungrateful, cynical bitch of a sister. She tells Joey if she doesn’t like living under her roof, she can get the fuck out.
Grams discovers a calendar of naked men in Jen’s room and freaks out. She just wants Jen to go back to being her 4 year old, Sunday School attending self again. Jen says that she’s grown up, which Grams should know, seeing as her dad shipped her off to live with her for getting stuffed in his bed.
Pacey pops in to see Tamara and says that they should go out, like in public; he doesn’t like keeping their highly illegal relationship a secret. Tamara reminds him that not only is he an idiot, but that it’s impractical because if she goes to jail, he won’t be able to fuck her anymore. He proposes getting out of The Creek and going to Province, and she agrees.
Pacey has a giant boner about the thought of hotel sex with Tamara and tells Dawson how excited he is in the bathroom at school. He can’t wait until he gets his learner’s permit so they can go to places all the time! Dawson is happy for him and they leave the bathroom, having looked under the stalls to make sure no one was in there. Only problem is that there was a stoner sitting on top of the toilet, so they couldn’t see his feet from underneath!
The news spreads quickly amongst the student body at Cape Side High, the last people to hear being Dawson and Pacey. Joey makes a joke about how no self-respecting woman would ever sleep with Pacey, and Dawson tells her that the rumor is true. She vomits. Pacey shows up completely oblivious as to why everyone is looking at him, and when Dawson clues him in, he finally shows some fucking awareness and understands how bad this is. Dawson decides to be a great friend and give him terrible advice, which is to act like it’s an awesome rumor and play it off. It’s not terrible advice in the grand scheme of things, but I would think that maybe denying the rumor might keep her out of a courtroom. As he walks through the hall, it becomes clear that Pacey is overwhelmed. Enjoy prison, Tamara!
Everyone in Tamara’s class is having a hard time paying attention to the lesson on Romeo and Juliet, and finally someone drops her the hint that they know Pacey’s been slipping her the salami. She doesn’t look thrilled. Hey, Miss Jacobs, maybe this wouldn’t have happened if you had shut this shit down in the first place. Or, I don’t know, the second or third time that you recognized how potentially volcanic this could become. I have no sympathy for you, you dumb bitch.
At this point, my notes are becoming significantly harder to read, but we’ll keep moving along as best we can.
Bessie is going into labor and needs Joey to paddle her down the creek! There are so many questions right now. For one, where’s Bodie? He had to take a culinary class, but why would he schedule it out of town around the time that his girlfriend was going to give birth? That seems incredibly irresponsible and borderline selfish. Why would Joey have to paddle her down the creek? She can’t drive, but couldn’t they call someone to come pick her up and take her to the hospital? Is the hospital creek-adjacent? Can’t Pacey swing by on his house boat and get them there a little quicker? Paddling down the creek seems like a really bad idea, but no one on this show seems capable of rational judgement, so I’ll just shut the fuck up.
Given that Bessie is really going into labor, and her amniotic fluid is filling up the canoe, Joey decides to stop at Dawson’s before they sink. Again, terrible decision-making.
Pacey visits Tamara, and she’s fucking furious with him. She tells Pacey that the only thing he can do to make this right and not get her thrown in jail is to keep his mouth shut. Otherwise, she’s royally fucked. Pacey keeps telling her that everything is going to be fine, and she finally seems to understand how potentially bad this situation is and tells him it’s over.
Joey runs over to Grams’ house to get her and Jen to help with the birth. Grams was a nurse and totally has this! Again, no one thinks to call an ambulance, and instead are going to rely on a woman who more than likely wasn’t a delivery room nurse and probably isn’t an authority on getting a child through a vagina. Not to mention that there are complications during childbirth all the time, and she won’t be equipped in any way, shape or form to deal with them.
Dougie tells Pacey that he’s heard the rumors going around town about their tryst. He explains to Pacey that if this is true, Tamara is looking at jail time. We learn that there’s a superintendent meeting with the school board the next day, and Tamara has been summoned to answer for these rumors. Dougie seems pleased that something bad is going to happen in Pacey’s life.
Since Bodie isn’t in attendance, Dawson decides to film the whole birth for him. I’m sure that Bessie is absolutely thrilled that her younger sister’s best friend is going to be shoving a JVC camcorder into her snatch. Between the Pacey sex tape and this, Dawson is getting quite the pervy collection going. Grams shows up and makes me eat crow, because she actually knows her shit! Bessie is like “What the fuck!? Get this racist old bat out of my vagina!”, but no one listens to her.
It must be the next day because Tamara is in court. I guess Cape Side School District uses court rooms for their board meetings. Pacey shows up and finds out that she has an attorney, which sort of implies that she’s guilty. He apologizes for being such a fuck up.
Because he’s incapable of doing anything right, Pacey gets up in the middle of Tamara’s hearing and defends her. Goddammit, Pacey! All she asked you to do was keep your fucking mouth shut and let her and her attorney handle this. For once, can’t you respect her wishes? He denies the allegation and says that he started the rumor because no girls at school wanted to sleep with him and he thought it would be funny. The superintendent/judge makes no remarks about what a jackass Pacey is.
Joey decides that she can’t handle thinking about anyone but herself any longer and splits. Bessie is upset by this, and Grams tries to comfort her. She starts calming down a bit, when Jen remarks that there is a ton of blood. This episode is crazy! Are we about to have the first tragedy in The Creek? Jen starts to panic about the volume of blood and Grams tells her to shut the fuck up because she’s not helping the situation by freaking Bessie out.
All this seems to do is upset Bessie more and Grams asks her if she’d like to say the Lord’s Prayer with her. Bessie tells Grams she can shove the Prayer up her ass because she’s in labor and is freaking out and that won’t do jack shit for her.
Dougie runs into Tamara outside the courtroom and apologizes for Pacey being such a dipshit. Apparently they believed Pacey’s story and she’s home free. Tamara defends Pacey, saying that he’s just an immature high school boy, doing what immature high school boys do. Fuck you, Tamara, Don’t be so fucking calm about the fact that you almost wound up in jail for statutory rape. Had Pacey listened to you and kept his mouth shut, chances are the court would have sided with the interests of the minor and your ass would be on its way to County. For once, say that he’s a fuck up.
We now see that there’s a lot of blood, given the bloody sheet Bessie is lying on. Why no one has called 911 yet is seriously beyond me at this point. Joey surprises us all and shows up to help her sister through what could potentially be the last moments of her life. Bessie is so moved by Joey’s selflessness that she manages to squeeze her bastard child out. Dawson is calm and has been filming away like a champ the entire time. Hang on, I know that he’d mentioned earlier that they were going to marriage counseling, but where have his parents been this whole time?
Pacey, having learned nothing, shows up at Tamara’s house all “That sure was close, huh?”, smiling like an asshole. Tamara isn’t speaking to him and he asks what’s up. She says that she’s leaving The Creek to go live in Rochester. It’s inevitable that the rumor of their banging will start back up if she sticks around, so she’s leaving. Not only did Pacey manage to almost make her a felon, but now she’s going to have to suffer the inconvenience of moving. I still don’t feel bad for her. He protests and she tells him to grow the fuck up. She finally tells him that it’s over, for real this time, and they hug.
Jen and Grams are relaxing after the whole ordeal and talk about how it’s great that they have each other. Joey holds the baby and smiles.
We end the episode with Pacey stalking Tamara from the beach, kicking sand around while he pouts.