Season 1, Episode 5: Hurricane

In an unsurprising turn of events, we open on Dawson and Joey watching a movie in his room.  The surprise, however, is that they’re finishing up the 90’s classic “Twister”, a movie that was not made by Spielberg, nor is Dawson’s cornball movie.  Over conversation regarding what disaster movie they’re going to watch next, we learn that Dawson still hasn’t come to terms with him mom’s affair, but that he’s still sad about it.  How sad, you ask?  Well, Dawson doesn’t even want to watch another movie with Joey! There’s a hurricane about to hit The Creek, and even though it’s eating him up inside, he doesn’t want to confront the affair head on, because he sees the hurricane as a valid excuse to hit the pause button (see what I did there, Dawson?) on his life.  Talk about a bullshit copout.

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Dawson’s mom is super pissed that the station won’t let her cover the hurricane, opting to let Bob risk his neck for the story.  Bummed that she won’t get any bad weather nookie, Dawson decides that this is the opportune moment to drop hints that he knows what’s going on by reminding his mom that Bro Dad is a great guy.  The best guy on this frustrating show, if you ask myself and Dawson.  She’s alarmed.

Despite the fact that there’s been no mention of him before, we’re introduced to Pacey’s brother, Dougie, who’s a cop.  They’re prepping the beach for the hurricane.  I’d always assumed beaches, being beaches, were already well prepared for hurricanes, but what do I know about weather disasters?  Pacey keeps insinuating that his brother is gay, and his brother is very defensive of his sexuality.

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Tamara, with her teacher’s salary, apparently owns beach front property.  She’s also prepping for the storm, which makes sense in her case, because a hurricane can fuck up a house on the beach relatively easily.  He approaches her to make a move, only to find that Dougie is already there and is trying to get in Tamara’s pants so that he and Pacey can be Eskimo Brothers.  I think I like Dougie, if only because he manages to call Pacey a dipshit in the 40 seconds that the three of them converse.

As a side note, I have no idea how many more times I’m going to have to type “hurricane” for this episode, but every time I do and forget the “e” on the end, I grow to hate this show a bit more.

Bro Dad invited Grams and Jen to ride the storm out at their place, and Joey, Bodie and her sister are on their way over too.  How convenient having everyone under the same roof for plotting purposes!  Grams is pissed because Gramps is in the hospital and she’s been through storms before.  Jen tries to discuss her sluttiness with Dawson again and he lets her know that he’s come to terms with it.

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Grams sees Bodie and makes some remarks about his and Joey’s sister’s bastard baby.  He takes it as a racial thing, what with being the only black character in The Creek, and she says it’s not racial, she just thinks they’re assholes.

I’ve been sitting on this for a few episodes, but it needs to be addressed.  The Creek is probably the whitest town outside The Brady Bunch.  As far as I’ve seen, Bodie is the only attempt at diversity this show has made, and what are his defining characteristics?  Oh right, he knocked up a white girl and they’re not married or planning to do so.  I realize there’s not much need to flesh out third tier characters on most medium, but couldn’t the writers have put more thought into the one black character on the show than having his one trait be that he knocked up a white girl?  Sure, he’s a great cook, but that’s not quality character development.  That would be like me developing an Asian character who’s bad at driving, but is one hell of a magician.  It’s lazy.

Dawson overhears his mom having phone sex/making kissy noises to Bob on the phone and flat out calls her a whore, referencing “The Scarlet Letter”.  She has a prepared statement ready for Dawson, and says that she loves Bro Dad, but she has her reasons for doing what she’s doing, she just can’t tell him yet, most likely because she doesn’t know what they are.

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Dawson throws a hissy fit in his room where Jen happens to be hanging out.  In the course of his freak out, he manages to call her a slutbag, and she storms out.  In an attempt to make this hurricane the most awkward experience for everyone in the house, he finds Joey hanging out in the closet and freaks out on her too.  He just wants things back the way they were, you guys!  Joey, ever the wet blanket, decides to make Dawson feel worse by guilt tripping him for having a breathing mother.  Jesus, Joey.  For one minute, can you try to relate to someone else on the show instead of bringing their problems back to yourself?

Pacey and his brother are still at Tamara’s hanging out.  Wait, Dougie’s a cop.  Shouldn’t he be out prepping the beaches for the hurricane, not flirting on the clock?  When he goes to the other room, Pacey makes a move for Tamara’s snatch and she tries to stop him.  Being the jackass that he is, Pacey keeps making moves until his brother walks back in, proving that everyone in the family is a moron by being oblivious to the obvious signs of what’s going on.

Remember how Bro Dad was working on his scuba themed restaurant?  Well, apparently that’s still a thing and he’s working on his diorama when Dawson comes in to tell him about Bob.  Showing some good sense, Dawson’s mom decides to confront the situation head-on and break the news herself.  She makes Dawson stay in the room though.  How awkward would that be?  It’s clear that his parents’ sex life is pretty open at his house, and now he’s going to have to picture another dude banging her too.  Comparing herself to the people she loathes on Jerry Springer, she confesses, but doesn’t really pull any punches, bluntly telling Bro Dad, “I’ve been having sex with another man”.  Dawson is fucked.

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I legitimately feel bad for Bro Dad.  He’s shocked.  Then the power goes out and he can’t find the lantern that he just had a few hours earlier!  We finally get a sense of where Dawson’s dramatics come from when Bro Dad snaps and throws his restaurant diorama against the wall.  I’m not saying I don’t agree with his reaction, it’s just that the whole scene is super dramatic.  Dawson’s mom starts to cry and Bro Dad tells her that she better fucking knock that shit off because she has no reason to cry.

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Seriously though, shouldn’t Dougie be out doing his job?  Generally during emergencies, police are considered essential personnel, and here he is playing board games at Tamara’s and trying to get in her pants.  Remind me to avoid being victimized at The Creek, because apparently the cops are all lazy dipshits.  Tamara reveals that the reason she moved to The Creek was because she had an abusive ex-husband.  Back story and character development!

Jen is still hurt from Dawson calling her a slut to her face, and Joey decides to cheer her up by discussing how large Dawson’s dick is.  Seriously, that’s most of the scene.  The rest is her making herself a sympathetic character for once by explaining that Jen needs to give Dawson a break because he’s at a major turning point in his life right now and may not be handling his emotions the best way that he can.

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Grams comes in to  help Dawson clean up Bro Dad’s diorama and we learn that she too is a film buff.  Of course she is!  Apparently movies, sulking and procreation are the only legal activities in The Creek.  Oh, and the black guy can cook!  She overheard his mom’s revelation and tells Dawson that he needs to stop being a bitch and suck it up.

Dougie is really salting Pacey’s game with Tamara, not to mention he’s probably about to be unemployed.  He asks her out and she declines, saying she doesn’t date gay men.  Wasn’t it revealed that the teacher from the previous episode was gay?  Can’t she just hang out with him, or is she a selective beard?  Dougie figures out that Pacey told her he was gay and pulls his fucking gun on Pacey.  Do it, Dougie!  It would be worth the paperwork, I swear.  But seriously, it’s borderline terrifying that a cop in The Creek can be so easily swayed to pull a gun.  If law enforcement isn’t completely absent because they’re trying to get their dick wet, they’ll pull a gun on you for jaywalking.  Dougie resists and doesn’t kill Pacey.  I’m sad.

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Bro Dad is distraught and hanging out in his Bronco when Dawson’s mom (I think her name is Gail, so she’ll henceforth be known as Gail) hops in to talk to him.  He regales her with the story of how they first met and he fell in love with her instantly.  They’d weather many storms together.  At this point, no joke, this episode has had about 23 different storm metaphors.  Probably why they named it “Hurricane”.  But he doesn’t want to love her anymore.  He chooses to hate her, “just like that”.  Not holding back, he tells her to get the fuck out of his car before he violently forces her out.  He drives off while she stands in the rain crying.

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The storm is over.  Gail sits in a catatonic state on the porch as Jen tries to find Dawson.  We finally get a little more of her back story and find out that she lost her virginity when  she was blackout drunk at 12.  She claims she was sexualized too young, and this turned her into a giant slut in NYC.  She ultimately got shipped off to The Creek when her dad caught her banging in her parent’s bed and couldn’t stand to look at her anymore.  Now she has the chance to figure herself out, and pasty, virgin sex with Dawson won’t help that goal.  Dawson confesses that he always looked at his parents’ sex life as a gauge of their happiness.  Seriously, what is it with that family?  Now everything is fucked up.  Jen wants to start over with Dawson and he cutely says “Take 2”.  Fuck this show.

Pacey gets super clingy with Tamara, telling her that he’s falling in love with her and that he’s jealous of every guy she’s ever been with.  Get a fucking grip, Pacey.  Given your situation, you should be happy with what you have and that she hasn’t gone to jail yet.  Tamara says, yet again, that their tryst is getting too dangerous and that they should call it off, following that up almost instantly by dragging Pacey inside to bang him.  I really do hope that this comes out soon and that she goes to jail.  She deserves it.

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Bro Dad returns to the house to find Gail still sitting in a catatonic state on the porch.  His presence seems to awaken her and she tells him why she had the affair; her life was too perfect.  That’s it.  That’s why she fucked her co-anchor. To deliberately ruin her life. Bro Dad is apparently as confused by this turn of events as I am, and when Gail goes to apologize, he tells her to shut her stupid, whore mouth and sit silently.  I kind of wish he’d revisit his threats of violence from earlier, but oh well.

Joey is still hanging out in Dawson’s room and they apologize to each other.  I don’t really know why Dawson is apologizing.  His life just got turned right the hell upside down, he’s well within his rights to have a bit of a breakdown.  Joey’s apology is half-assed, as you probably already guessed.  The show ends with Dawson indulging Joey’s longing to play “Jaws” in his closet, and the episode closes with them doing really shitty impressions of Brody and Hooper.

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