It looks like I really am going through with this, seeing as I just willingly watched the second episode of this show and took notes. Good for me?
So we open with playback of Dawson’s cornball, “Creature from the Black Lagoon”-esque movie, with Joey and Pacey meta acting. The takeaway is that Joey won’t kiss Pacey, as she finds him repugnant, which isn’t sitting well with Dawson. Not one bit. They go back and forth, with him trying to convince Joey that she has to kiss Pacey on his poor people lips, all the while messing around with what looks like a wig.
Joey turns the topic of conversation to Jen, because fuck that bitch, and tries to figure out why Dawson hasn’t made a move yet. Dawson sputters on about how he’s a virgin, to which Joey informs him that Jen’s from New York, and people in New York move fast, and if he doesn’t try to get in her pants soon, some other guy will. Was that some kind of implication that all NYC girls are sluts? I mean, Jen’s already said that she’s a virgin, so unless Joey has proof otherwise, she’s making really gross, unfair exaggerations.
Anyways, Dawson makes a remark about Joey’s “kissable lips”, which I’m sure she’ll in no way interpret incorrectly. She’s as confused as I am, and Dawson reveals his project that he’s been fussing over for the entirety of the scene.
What the fuck is that!? My best guess is some kind of prop for his cornball movie, but seriously, it’s horrifying nonetheless. Dawson tells Joey that she has to get over her frigid self and kiss Pacey, or his movie, and probably his life, are fucking over.
I’m still sore about the lack of Paula Cole in the opening credits.
We find out through some morning announcements that there will be a dance on Saturday, providing the perfect plot opportunity for Dawson to get over himself and ask Jen out. Instead, he pops into the film teacher’s room and reveals his elaborate plot to spend his study halls in the film class that he was denied entry into initially. The teacher goes along with it, even though he’s blatantly being dicked over. Seriously, if there’s room for Dawson to sit in the back of the classroom and observe now, why not just let him take the class? Way to stick to your principles, teacher. Plus, if Dawson already knows the content of the class, doesn’t that give him an unfair advantage when he takes it for a grade?
Pacey continues creeping on Tamara, I mean Miss Jacobs. He confronts her before class, asking her what the deal was with the kiss the other night. It should be noted that kids are filing into the classroom while they’re having this awkward exchange. But, it goes on, and Tamara tells Pacey that his virginity is none of her concern and that nothing happened. Also, Pacey’s terrible looking eye from getting popcorn punched is all healed. Does this mean that an extraordinary amount of time has passed and he’s only now getting around to talking to her? The whole thing is kind of weird.
Ooh, Dawson is going to have some real drama as the high school football character trope is thrown into the mix and macks on Jen. Dawson hasn’t made any semblance of a move on her, but he is visibly distraught by being cock blocked, so much so that he talks to bro dad about kissing girls and how to do so, not before finding out that his dad filmed a sex tape with his mom using Dawson’s camcorder. Cannot be said enough, that’s gross, and bro dad’s loosey goosiness with his boning is going to send Dawson to therapy.
Bro dad tells Dawson that his first kiss with his mom was this super romantic moment spawned out of their mutual love of wearing Chap Stick, and he encourages Dawson to kiss Joey’s severed head as practice. Naturally, Joey has climbed into the house using the ladder and is watching the whole exchange take place. Dawson obliges his dad and makes out with the severed head in what is one of the strangest scenes to ever be put on TV. Seriously, this whole scene is really bizarre.
Oh snap, Dawson’s mom is having a cutesy conversation with her co-anchor in the closet and Joey overhears the whole exchange. Girl just cannot catch a break! Dawson’s mom emerges from her phone sex-a-thon and Joey tells her that she knows she’s taking the meat stick from another man besides bro dad!
Because the last scene wasn’t awkward enough, we find out that Dawson has figured out a way to insert Jen into his cornball movie that will make it so that Joey doesn’t have to kiss Pacey. How will he do that, you ask? By killing off Joey! Pacey’s monster cuts off her head, and we get another awkward scene of Jen trying to help Joey get the blood off Joey. No, it’s super awkward. I cannot stress that enough, you guys. Jen keeps telling Joey that she has great breasts and a nice body and I’m sitting here wondering what the hell is going on.
To get his kiss, Dawson has Jen kiss Pacey. Pacey, being the giant horn dog he is, takes it too far and Dawson loses his shit, ultimately deciding to cancel the kiss altogether. Jen asks Dawson if he’s going to the dance, and he says hell no, that shit’s lame! Except that Jen is going, and going with football hunk Cliff to boot! Poor Jen, who has no idea how Dawson feels about her, makes excuses for going with another guy, and I can’t help but feel bad for her.
Dawson continues his pity party with Joey, but Jesus, he’s freaking out. Maybe there’s something in the creek that turns everyone into a bipolar baby at the first sign of adversity. But this is adversity by Dawson’s own hand, so I don’t feel bad for him. Since Dawson is such an astute filmmaker, what with his cornball movie and all, he equates himself to the creature from said cornball movie. He’s not wrong, given how he’s acting right now. Keeping with the theme of bipolarity, he changes his mind and decides to go to the dance after all. Joey rolls her eyes and decides that Dawson’s misery is worth tagging along for, but not before confronting Dawson’s mom and throwing a guilt trip her way.
Cut to the dance and “I Want You” by Savage Garden is getting all the white people to do white people dances. I can’t trust that Savage Garden is the original music, having been burned so badly by Paula Cole and the opening credits. Pacey sees Tamara and tries to mack on her. Again, this is done really awkwardly and not at all subtly, in the middle of a school dance with faculty and students all around. She shoots him the fuck down.
Dawson is wearing a killer vest. Between the hair and the vest, he honestly looks a bit like Aladdin. After seeing football star Cliff dancing with Jen, who’s having a great time, Dawson makes Joey dance with him in an attempt to make Jen jealous. I guess it sort of works, because Jen sees Dawson and asks him for a dance. He shows his insecurity by asking how Cliff will feel about that, even though it’s just a dance and Dawson has made zero effort with Jen, and she understandably storms off super pissed.
In a moment of borderline self-awareness, Dawson alludes to having some kind of psychosis, which isn’t helped when Joey uses his cornball movie as an illustration that if he doesn’t act, he’s going to snap. So the monster is a guy with pent up hormones? I can see that, actually. Dawson decides to take action, and, adding yet another super awkward scene to this episode, confronts Jen in front of Cliff to tell her that he likes her. Cliff is clearly confused and, rather than making Dawson look pathetic by being the bigger man, he plays Dawson’s game and they put Jen in the position of choosing between them. Having what may be one of the worst dance experiences of her life, Jen leaves to let Dawson and Cliff measure their dicks.
In a quick scene at Dawson’s house, his parents flirt over talk about their first kiss, and then her mom overcompensates for letting another guy between her legs by jamming her tongue down bro dad’s throat. I’m kind of starting to feel bad for bro dad.
Pacey is milling around the dock after leaving Dawson and Joey to talk in really big words. I swear to God, does he live on a house boat or not? This is a question I need answered! Lo and behold, Tamara is waiting for Pacey. This doesn’t turn out to be good news for Pacey, as she’s there to break up with him, realizing that she can potentially go to jail for statutory rape. Pacey whines that it’s not fair because he’s not good with girls. Wait, what!? Wasn’t his entire pitch to Tamara last episode that he’s the best sex she’ll never have? How does that work? Everyone is bipolar on this confusing show. Anyway, they kiss and everyone on this show is a manipulative dick.
Dawson keeps lamenting his epic flame out to Joey, who rightfully tells him that he’s clueless. I agree! However, in a serendipitous moment, Dawson spies Jen buying some salt water taffy from a street vendor. Is there an entire market for salt water taffy street vendors around the creek? That doesn’t seem like a wise business venture. I mean, how much of a market for taffy can there be that a guy can sell it out of a cart?
Again, Dawson bails on Joey, and in a kind of creepy moment, just lingers behind Jen while she stares out into the water, saying absolutely nothing. Jen seems to realize the creepiness of the situation and finally turns around to find out what the fuck Dawson’s problem is.
Dawson finally sacks up and tells her that he wants an answer to how she feels about him, while also unfairly manipulating her answer by saying he doesn’t just want to be her friend. He wants to be her adventure. Her “boy adventure”. Yikes. Jen says that she’s interested in Aladdin, I mean Dawson, whose pants then get so tight that he tells her to kiss him. I think Joey really fucked with Dawson’s head by saying that all New York girls move really fast, because he’s being just as unfair to Jen as she was.
Jen blue balls Dawson and says she wants to take it slow. Dawson needs to do something about his pants tent, so he tells Jen she still owes him a dance. She’s confused, and Dawson tells her they should dance right there on the dock. What is with this episode and awkward scenes? Like, under no circumstance would dancing without music on a dock in the middle of a town not be strange. She reiterates that she won’t kiss him, that she needs romance and that bad things happened in New York. Seriously, can we just get to that little bit of exposition on what happened in New York? Eventually, something goes from titillating to obnoxious, and we’re definitely on the latter side of that scale now.
They dance, and Joey looks on from behind a tree. Where did she go after Dawson left her? Has she been there the whole time, just kind of creepily staring from afar? These kids are all freaking weirdos.
Dawson and Jen dance on the dock as we fade to the credits.
I really hope these episodes can dial back on the awkwardness going forward.