Hiatus

Listen, we need to talk.

I know I’m not doing it for you anymore, baby.

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I’m weeks behind on posts.

I just don’t have the interest or energy right now.

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In my defense, you’ve become pretty lazy yourself.

It’s making you slow and, honestly, pretty frustrating.

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I just need to take a step back.

We need some time apart.

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I need to figure out if I can make this work.

Or if I even want to.

And it’s not fair to string you along.

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So I’m not saying it’s forever.

But I’m not sure when it will be.

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But we can still be friends.

And maybe, just once, for old times’ sake…

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Just the tip, baby?

Season 4, Episode 2: Falling Down

First off, I’m sorry it took an extra week to get the next post up.  Sometimes, life just happens.

So back at school, Pacey has already been summoned to the guidance office.  On the first day of school.  That can’t be good.  He blows it off, because he’s such a badass, although not as badass as that badass Caulfield.

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Goddamn, he was badass.

He and Joey turn their discussion to themselves, because they haven’t discussed PDA and how much they want to gross their teachers out.  Joey, being a frigid bitch, acts like she isn’t too keen on the whole PDA idea, before jamming her tongue down Pacey’s throat right in front of Dawson.

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I guess the bed and breakfast failed, because Joey is looking for another job to help pay for college next year.  Good luck, toots.  College is fucking expensive, and I doubt a minimum wage job is going to put much of a dent in the costs, unless you go to, heaven forbid, COMMUNITY COLLEGE!  Seriously, they crack jokes about community college.  Fuckin’ elitists.  Anyway, Andi suggests a waitress job at the yacht club, but Joey thinks the Potter name being synonymous with scandal is going to ruin any chance she has.  So Andi suggests namedropping the Ross’, a prominent family on the board, in case things go south.

Dawson is trading in some CDs, where he runs into Gretchen.  She mentions Pacey and asks if she can help with her dumbass brother in any way.  Dawson says no, so Gretchen starts picking on his music tastes.  Dawson, like all 90s teens, loved Vanilla Ice, but grew out of it.  She starts giving him shit for hating the Grateful Dead, which means he and I have something in common.  Barf.  Apparently his parents gave him the CD, making his parents cooler than he is.  Wait, are they flirting?

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That hair, though.

Jen has been frantically checking her email, hoping for some kind of update from Henry.  Having not heard from him, she’s convinced he’s cheating on her.  Jack tries to console her, and checks his own email to receive something that’s apparently shocking from “no one”.  Ethan?  I’m in suspense!

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Joey has decided to lie through her teeth at the yacht club interview, which isn’t going very well.  Her interviewer lady is pretty frosty towards her, which you’d think Joey could take a taste of her own medicine, but instead, flat out calls the lady a bitch.  That’s…not how you get a job, Joey.  She gets up to leave, mentioning the Ross’ in the process, which suddenly changes the frosty bitch’s tune.  Because there are never consequences on this show, even when calling your potential employer a bitch during the interview, Joey gets the goddamn job.

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Now Bro Dad has been promoted to interim guidance counselor?  What?  I seriously have begun to wonder about the education requirements of teachers in The Creek.  Don’t guidance counselors usually have some kind of social work background?  Bro Dad built models of underwater themed restaurants.  Anyway, turns out that he’s Pacey’s guidance counselor, and while Pacey was off jet-setting up and down the coast, he missed summer school.  This is bad news because he failed three classes last year and has to make them up to graduate.  Pacey is nonplussed.  Bro Dad pulls the friend card and tells Pacey to retake them after school, prompting Pacey to ask what if he can’t do it.  Well, you won’t graduate with your friends, which must include Bro Dad if he’s playing the friend card.  It honestly wouldn’t surprise me.

Gretchen found a dump for her and Pacey to live in, and he fucking hates it.  She asks him why he’s got a bug up his ass (not literally), and he tells her that he’s fucked because he skipped summer school.  She doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal, but he seems pretty defeated.  She asks him if he told Joey, and he hasn’t, because she’s just so smart and would never let her life get this fucked up.

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Oops.

Gretchen reiterates that he needs to tell her, if for nothing more than she’ll reiterate that it’s manageable and he’ll actually listen.

At the yacht club, Joey sucks at her job.  Some rich dude is pissed that he hasn’t received his sandwich yet, and acts all cocky when Joey throws shade at him for having money.  What is this bitch’s problem?  She is utterly unemployable unless it’s by her own family.  He follows her around, apologizing for being a dick; he’s just always wanted to talk down to staff for some sadistic reason.  Honestly, he thinks that everyone is a creep at the club, and Joey tells him she doesn’t care, giving him his check to sign for, despite never receiving his damn sandwich.  You’re really terrible at this, Joey.  Turns out, this guy is none other than Owen Ross!  Oh shit!

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Dawson, having realized he may be a loser, is trying to give the Grateful Dead a second chance, but he just doesn’t get it.  Maybe his parents are cooler than him after all.  Bro Dad mentions Pacey and Dawson reminds him that he doesn’t fucking care.  Bro Dad thinks that Pacey needs his friends’ support to get through this difficult time, and that Dawson needs to be there for him.  Dawson tells Bro Dad that Pacey can kick rocks; he’s on his own.

Turns out that the email for Jack was from Henry, who confided that he wants to take a break from Jen and get some strange at his new school.  Andi thinks he’s full of shit, what with spending a year trying to get Jen to even look at him.  She asks what Jack told him, which was that he needed to talk to Jen.  For some reason, Andi thinks that communication between significant others is a bad idea.  No wonder you’re single, Andi.

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Pacey is still grumpy, eating dinner with Joey on his boat.  Joey is just super pumped to be a senior and only have one more year until graduation, and asks Pacey about his guidance counselor’s visit.  He blows it off, so she switches conversation to her new job, which utterly perplexes Pacey.  Why the fuck does she want a job?  She tells him about her plan to pay for college, and not be a “townie”, which pisses Pacey the fuck off and has him go off about how she thinks she’s better than townies and fuck her and her snobbery.  She asks him what his fucking problem is, and he still denies that something is wrong.

Uh oh.  The next day, Pacey doesn’t even bother showing up for school.  Dawson looks concerned.

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At the yacht club, Owen notices that Joey has been super nice to him all day, which he thinks is boring.  Rather than continuing to do her job well, he has her sit with him, so he can update her on all the yacht club gossip.  Turns out, everyone has some kind of skeleton in their closet, which he thinks is just the most unclassy shit ever.

Jen visits with Jack, mentioning that she still hasn’t heard from Henry.  She’s just going to give him time.  Jack casually asks her if she’s ever thought it might not work out, which sets off her conspiracy alert.  She asks him if he talked to Henry, and Jack admits he did.  Jen gets furious, asking if Henry is breaking up with her, which Jack deflects, because honesty between friends isn’t such a great idea.  Jen storms off.

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Dawson goes to Joey’s to return some of the CDs he borrowed.  As he goes to leave, he tell Joey that she needs to talk to Pacey about school, filling her in on the details, but also making sure to mention that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass if Pacey flunks out.  We get it, Dawson.  You’re still salty.  She obviously doesn’t believe him, and Dawson gives some whiny tirade about how Pacey wouldn’t tell her because it would kill him to disappoint her.  He’s very clearly also alluding to himself and why he gives enough of a shit to bring her up to speed.

Joey goes to Pacey’s and starts flipping the fuck out on him.  Pacey is rightfully pissed that Dawson knows, not because Bro Dad violated like a million confidentiality laws (everyone in this town sucks at their job), but because Dawson now has something to lord over him and make himself look better by comparison.  Joey gets pissed, telling him she’s not surprised that he’s running away from conflict.  He calls himself a loser, which offends her, because she would never lower herself to dating a loser.

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The next day, Gretchen wakes Pacey up and tells him to stop being a pussy and go apologize to Joey.  He’s sabotaging a good thing with her.  He mentions that he’s already lost her because of Dawson’s knowledge of his idiocy, and Gretchen tells him that he needs to realize that Joey picked him, not Dawson, and as part of that responsibility, he needs to deal with his fucking problems.

The interviewer from earlier grabs Joey and asks her how Owen Ross could have possibly bought a sandwich, what with being in Paris and all.  Oh shit, consequences!  Finally!  Or not.  Not-Owen comes in and covers for her, saying that he absolutely knows he saw Owen at the club earlier that week.

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Turns out, that lady is Not-Owen’s mom.  His real name is Drew, and he knew that Joey lied through her teeth to get the job, so he thought it would be really fun to dick around with her.  He was right, and is genuinely shaping up to be a sociopath.

Jen is still super pissed at both Jack and Henry.  Dawson tells her to let it go.  Love hurts, but unless she feels the pain, she won’t be able to move on.  Jen’s all, “Shove your shitty advice, Dawson!”, and Dawson reminds her that he learned it all from her, and that she needs her friends now more than ever.  He knows that he never would’ve made it through the summer without his friends.

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On cue, Jack shows up and Dawson leaves.  Jen apologizes to Jack.  She was just pissed because she thought it was bullshit that Henry made Jack deliver the bad news.  After talking with Henry, it turns out that they’ve officially broken up, so it’s on to the ice cream and bitterness phase, which Jack is more than willing to help her with.

Later, Joey is waiting for Pacey at his boat.  She’s still fucking furious with him.  Pacey is bummed, because he listened to his sister, and Joey is still salty at him for being a fuck up.  You see, Joey wrecked Pacey.  He finally got what he wanted, and now he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, that other shoe being Joey realizing that Pacey is a fuck up, and wishing she’d chosen Dawson instead.  Dawson’s not an idiot.  Joey reminds Pacey that Dawson is a white bread baby who would never have the balls to go out on his own and have a magical summer at sea.  He needs to stop worrying about her history with Dawson and start creating their own history together.  And for God’s sake, stop running at the first sign of confrontation, you big sissy!  That’s not how you weather a storm.

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He finally admits that he’s scared and needs her help.  Just like everyone else, she assures him that they can fix this and everything will be okay.  They kiss and Pacey graduates high school with all his friends because this show has no fucking consequences and everyone’s life should be relatively problem-free.  At least Joey calls Pacey “emotionally retarded” to make me feel a little better.

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Rating

1 Guh

Season 4, Episode 1: Coming Home

“It doesn’t”.

Those two ominous words were left on Facebook in the last post where I hoped that the next season was better than Season 3.  So, with that optimism in mind, here we go.

Looks like Pacey and Joey didn’t meet Davy Jones on his boating trip, as they’ve returned to Cape Side unscathed.  And happy.  Dammit.  I was at least hoping they’d have lost a finger in a rope accident on stormy seas or something cool.  Pacey is definitely not in a rush to get home, probably because his dad is going to letgitamtely kill him for taking off for the summer.  Or it’s because the two of them have been so happy at sea, and now they have to get back to all the drama they left behind that they haven’t missed for the last two months.  In one final attempt to convince me she’s cool, Joey proposes jumping off the boat for the first time the whole trip.  How the hell did they go eight weeks without jumping off the boat?

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Meanwhile at the beach(since when?), Dawson shows off his cool new hair.

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A little something for the ladies.

What the fuck is that?  Why does his hair get progressively worse each season?

Anyway, turns out that Dawson has traded his love of film for a love of photography.  I mean that as a joke, because I realize that anyone can take a picture.  Looks like he and Jack have spent the summer painting houses (EXPOSITION!), which must mean that Gail’s restaurant failed, because there’s no way in hell this clown worked two jobs.  He and Jack have to run to the hardware store for more painting supplies and leave Jen and Andi.

Andi, turns out, hasn’t been laid in a while and she is HORN-Y.  There are two guys hanging nearby at the beach, and Jen encourages Andi to go talk to them.  As if!  Jen tells her that she’s never going to get any if she doesn’t put herself out there and leaves Andi to ponder her dilemma, eye fucking the two guys on the beach as she does so.

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As they depart the boat, Pacey realizes that they need to be prepared for nosy people asking them “the question” of whether they banged or not.  My money is on no, what with Joey being a frigid bitch and all, but she did willingly go on Pacey’s boat, and, as Dennis Reynolds famously pointed out, there are certain “implications”.  Joey doesn’t think it’s anyone’s business, which Pacey blows off, saying that everyone is going to make it their business.  They keep stalling, talking about their first night apart in two months, and finally work up the gumption to leave each other.  How fucking romantic.

Some chick asks Dawson for help at the hardware store, and he’s, quite frankly, a real dick to her.  Until he realizes that it’s Gretchen.  Who’s Gretchen, you ask?  Fucked if I know, and they’re not telling us, with Dawson telling Jack that it’s a “long story”.  Gretchen is stacked, by the way.

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Wow, cool, Joey.  You sailed the east coast for two months and got Bessie a fucking plant.  I think you could do a little better, what with abandoning her while her business was still in its infancy.  A business that you’re supposed to help with.  Bessie doesn’t seem to care, though, and is more preoccupied with whether Joey and Pacey got it on.  Joey keeps telling her that it’s none of her business, and goes to find that Bessie rented Joey’s room out for the summer.  Awesome!  Good for you, Bessie!  Joey is alarmed, even more so when Bessie hands her the bed and breakfast’s ledger, which  shows the number 12,370.  Joey is all apologetic for torpedoing her sister’s livelihood, but Bessie explains that the B&B is the most successful in New England, because of course it is!

Looks like Andi finally worked up the courage to talk to the two beefcakes at the beach, but they’re tragically both French and named Jean.  Wow.  Just wow.  Do they smoke small cigarettes and wear berets when they’re not on the beach?  Jesus.  They ask Andi and Jen, who shows up, to show them around The Creek.  Jen can’t do it, but super horny Andi has no qualms about taking two strangers around town.

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Pacey tries to move back in with Dougie, but there’s a problem; Dougie rented out the room to a girl.  Insert obligatory “Dougie is gay” comments from Pacey, until we realize that the new roommate is that Gretchen chick from earlier, who also happens to be Pacey’s big sister.  Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Joey approaches Dawson’s house and just walks on in like she owns the fucking joint.  Literally.  She walks in and just starts shouting for anyone, welcoming herself to Dawson’s room.  I was joking earlier about Dawson taking up photography, but I could be wrong, as the walls are now covered in photos of him and his new friends having just the best time hanging out.  You know that they’re artistic photos too, because they’re all in black and white.

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Dawson explains his relationship with Gretchen to Jack as they paint.  She was his first crush when he saw her in a bathing suit as a kid, trying to water balloon her.  Creep.  Nothing ever came of his relationship with Pacey’s older sister, which leads me to believe that he’s going to try to fuck her as some kind of revenge against Pacey.

Jen bores Joey with more exposition about Henry.  Looks like he got a football scholarship while he was at football camp (what?) and now attends boarding school four hours away.  Grams thinks it bullshit that Jen stayed with him, because youth is for the young and she should be enjoying herself rather than pining for him and what about all the shit about the guy you kissed who was your first love Grams?  This is quite the departure from two months ago, and Jen tells her to get the fuck out.

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After she leaves, Jen asks Joey the big question.  Joey, naturally, gives her a super sarcastic answer that they banged each and every second of every day, causing Jen to back off.  Joey looks through the window at Dawson’s house and asks how everyone else is doing, and Jen responds that they’re fine.  She invites Joey to something called the “Dive In” that night, but Joey isn’t sure that’s the best idea.  Jen pushes her, and she agrees to go.

Andi is still giving the French guys the tour of The Creek, which is such a boring town as is, so they’re probably glad they have no idea what she’s saying.  Well, one of them doesn’t and the other’s English is so-so.  Turns out that they’re from Paris, a city that Andi has always wanted to visit because it’s just so romantic.  She goes on to describe it, and the one guy tells her that she needs to visit it, because she already knows it so well.

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Dawson, in his new dark room (fuck!), asks Jen how Joey is doing and Jen tells him that she’s fine.  She mentions inviting her to the Dive In and he gets all pissy, until Jen reminds him that they need to talk in order to be friends again.  Dawson wants to know why she even gives a shit about he and Joey, and Jen confesses that she’s felt terrible all summer because she feels like she bears some of the responsibility for Pacey and Joey getting together.  Dawson doesn’t comfort her, but seems to understand.

Sigh.

Motherfucker.

Literally.

Dawson comes downstairs with Jen and walks in on his parents fucking on the couch.

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Some things never change, which does not bode well for this season.

Pacey visits Joey and asks if he can crash on her couch.  Unfortunately that’s a big N-O, as she doesn’t even have a room to stay in, and will be crashing on the couch herself.  He then changes the subject to what they can do together that evening, and Joey tells him about the Dive In.  He’s not ready to go public with their relationship just yet.  Joey tells him that they’re going together, and that she needs to square things away with Dawson.  What better way to do that then rub her new relationship in his grill?  Pacey agrees to go, but sure doesn’t look thrilled about it.

So it turns out the the Dive In is a kind of beachy drive in, which I have to admit, is kind of cool.  That is, until you try to make out with a chick and she vomits all over you from seasickness.  The gang is all there and Dawson says what’s on everyone’s mind; that Andi is about to get double-teamed by her French admirers.  As they’re all laughing, Pacey shows up and Dawson gets fucking furious at Jen, asking her why the fuck he’s there.  Sensing the awkwardness from afar, Pacey agrees to let Joey go say hi while he gets some drinks.

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As Joey approaches, Dawson leaves, telling Jen that he doesn’t have to talk to her.  What a baby.

Gretchen shows up at the Dive In, which doesn’t please Pacey.  He’s still pissed at her for taking his digs at Dougie’s.  They have a witty repartee back and forth, until she mentions Joey.  She always had a feeling they’d end up together, what with them both being snarky underdogs.  Pacey asks her again why she’s back in town from college, and she sticks with the story we’ve heard all episode about her needing to take a break from school for a little while.

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Dawson, in a continuing act of childishness, refuses to sit on the boat with Jack and Joey.  Jen asks him if he wants to know if they banged, and sure enough, he does.  She tells him that he just needs to get it over with and talk to her.  It will be painless.  He understands that.  He knows that it will be awkward, but that it will ultimately be painless, and that’s what’s so comforting about it; how familiar that will feel.

Upon this revelation, he decides to put on his big boy pants and talk to Joey.  True to form, the conversation is awkward as fuck, but they exchange pleasantries politely enough.  Meanwhile, Pacey watches the exchange from a distance, and realizing that it’s not blowing up, gets pissed and leaves.

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Their encounter is short enough, and as Dawson leaves, Joey seems to recognize that it was pretty superficial, which seems to bum her out.  Dawson, meanwhile, goes off and cries.

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Andi spots Pacey and gets all weird towards the French guys.  She explains that he’s her ex and that she isn’t ready to see him yet, and asks if the one who speaks English well enough has a girlfriend, which he does.  Having realized she wanted him for sex, he leaves, causing Andi to lament that the one who speaks English was taken and how much that sucked, until the other Jean pipes up in actual American English and tells her that  she’s rude.  What a tease!  His name is JJ and he’s understood every word she’s said all day, which is mortifying when you really think about what a spaz she usually is.

Pacey pretty forcibly grabs Joey and tells her that he wants to leave.  Problem is that she’s having fun making everyone feel super awkward and wants to stay.  This causes him to flip the fuck out about how she’s been preoccupied for the last week on the boat and that he knows it’s because of Dawson and that he’s not surprised at all that she was so eager to get back with him.  He needs to take a chill pill, man.  He storms off, leaving her quite confused and pissed.

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Having abandoned her, Dawson finds Joey sulking and offers her a ride home.  She accepts.  Pacey, that may have been the worst plan in history to keep the woman you love in your arms.

The French Jean leaves and JJ outright asks Andi if he can kiss her.  They kiss.  Riveting television.

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Either that, or he’s eating her face

Back at Joey’s, we learn that Dawson just loves photography now, and that it found him.  Joey apologizes for hurting him, and he tells her that it wasn’t easy for him.  I’m not sure why, but Joey mentions that he hadn’t asked her if they’d fucked, and he dramatically says that the answer has the potential to kill him.  Grow up.  Joey runs inside and comes back out with a brick from Hemingway’s house, which I’m pretty sure has to be all kinds of illegal. You can’t just take pieces of historic monuments.  The brick is a symbol of their friendship starting on a new foundation.  Personally, I really hoped she was trying to tell Dawson to kill himself like Hemingway.  Dawson shoots her down (no pun intended), telling her that he’s not sure he wants their friendship back, and that they’ll have to take it a day at a time.  Dismayed, Joey leaves, and as she walks out, tells Dawson that the answer wouldn’t kill him.  I fucking knew it, you frigid bitch!  Dawson looks relieved.

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Despite having been treated like shit, Joey goes to Pacey’s boat and tells him that whenever she’s sad or upset or lonely, she thinks of him, because it makes her feel good.  He sits silently/sullenly as she confesses that she had no intention of ever telling him that, but that she did because she needed to score points for her behavior that night and her preoccupation on the boat all week.  Honestly, Joey, I hate you, but you didn’t do anything wrong that night.  It was your beau who was awful.  She’s felt guilty about things with Dawson, but her heart never left Pacey, and she’ll be goddamned if she’s going to let his insecurity make her stop caring about him.  Just like that, he’s suddenly totally fine and they start making out.

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She asks him if they can do some vague “thing” that they did every night and he gets all cocky.  So they did bang then?  Nope.  They read books together to put each other to sleep.  How quaint.  I’ve got to say though, Pacey’s boat looks mad comfy.

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Rating

Who Cares?

Season 3 Retrospective

That was rough.

Seriously, I feel like this season took forever.  Like I was being punished for something.  I realize that I started this dumbass endeavor and can stop at anytime, but this season was so long and so pointless.  It hurt.

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Obviously, the big story of this season was the love triangle of Dawson, Pacey and Joey that Dawson inadvertently set into motion when he asked Pacey to keep an eye on Joey while he tried to figure his shit out.  Okay, I can go along with that.  But dragging it out for 20 episodes was a slough.  Not to mention the five or six episodes where Joey needed to figure out her feelings for Pacey after finding out how she felt.

“Waaaaaaaaaah, I don’t know what to do!”

Six episodes of that.

Pointless.

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Listen, I realize that Dawson and his stupid feelings needed to be taken into consideration, but if anyone thought for a second that he would take this news like a rational adult, they should pound a tack hammer into their skull.  Dawson is a selfish baby who paints himself as a hopeless romantic, but in reality, is a sociopath who has no problem manipulating his friends for his own means.

After finding out for the, what, third time that he may not be a competent filmmaker, what does he do?  Tears down all his posters and asks his friends to pause their lives while he figures out how to go forward.  Granted, I loved watching him get eviscerated, but it was short lived.  But again, what did he expect to happen?  How many times does Joey have to break up with him before he’ll figure out that they’re NOT actually meant to be together?

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I think one of the biggest things that bothered me about the Pacey/Joey story line was that it was basically some kind of war of attrition or Stockholm Syndrome.  Joey and Pacey have always hated each other and now I’m supposed to believe that after buying a fucking boat and taking dance lessons, Joey is all set to go out with him?  Or worse, she’s his rebound from his psychotic ex-girlfriend banging another dude while getting her head straightened out.  None of these are good lessons on love.

And then there were the pointless stories.  So many pointless stories that ultimately went nowhere.  Want me to run off a few of them for you?  Of course you do.

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Hey, remember when Jen had a sister?  Her name was Eve and she tried to give Dawson a blowjob on a boat.  That’s a brave boy right there, what with the motion of the waves and teeth and everything.  But anyway, we find out that Jen has a sister and literally nothing happened with that news, short of everyone having a kind of shitty Thanksgiving.  If they weren’t going to do anything with that information, then why the fuck make her sister Eve anyway?  They could have just said, “Oh yeah, you have a sister.  Her name is Blanche, B T dubs,” and it would have had the exact same impact on the story.  None.

Or how about that time that the principal did his fucking job and got fired for it?  That was inane, and not just because of Joey’s stupid activism that would never happen in reality.  Teenagers are lazy as shit.

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God, I loved that badass Caulfield, though.

So the principal gets fired and…that’s it.  It was just treading water.  How the hell did this show get three more seasons?

I don’t care enough to list off anymore stupid story lines.

Okay, one more.

Witch Island.  Now you could make the argument that this video would go on to spawn Dawson’s existential crisis, what with a bunch of snooty college film geeks shredding it and him, but honestly, what were they going for here?  Hadn’t The Blair Witch Project been out for years by this point?  That’s super topical.  But the whole episode was pointless apart from that.

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And I know that we’re supposed to be all concerned about Dawson and Pacey’s friendship, but seriously, why would you even want to be Dawson’s friend at this point?  The dude tried to kill you, not to mention destroy a boat that you’ve worked on for months, all to make himself feel better about a chain of events that he set into motion.  It’s hypocritical, and your better off.

I’m sure this was in part due to a budget increase, but obviously the newest character this season was Henry.  Weird, clingy Henry.

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Ugh

Honestly, why did the writers make him so strange.  He definitely acted nothing like a 14 year old.  He was bizarre in pretty much every facet of his character.  You’re not allowed to act mortified that your mom hired a clown for your birthday when your girlfriend just caught you having a blast beating the shit out of a pinata.

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And I don’t care how shitty your football team is, a freshman will never be starting quarterback.  Ever.  Oh, but at least they had the kooky idea to dress in drag to win a game and not in any way draw even more attention to their gay teammate.

And let’s talk about Jack for a second.  What the hell is his deal?  Is he gay?  Is he just pretending?  Does he have some kind of weird affinity for dudes who camp in trees?

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They’ve spent so much time now dicking Jack’s sexuality around that it’s borderline insulting.  Sure, he’s struggling with his identity.  I get that, and know that it happens in the real world, but every time he gets called on to do something “gay”, he freezes up and starts crying.  It’s so over-the-top that it’s almost like the dude that played Jack just didn’t want to actually do anything gay, so the writers were forced to make his character a baby.

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Obviously the biggest thing that happened this season (no, Joey and Pacey don’t fucking count) was that we finally learned where the Dawson cry face meme came from.

12

In philosophy, the meaning of life is to find the meaning of life.  That is, if you actually find out what the meaning of life is, then your life has no meaning because you’ve already achieved the ultimate goal.

That’s how the Dawson cry face discovery feels.  It’s a bit cathartic, because that was a huge question mark, and now that I have the answer (and it didn’t disappoint), I don’t really know what the point is of this dumb endeavor.  I mean, I’ll keep doing it for my 5 readers a week, but it really will only keep happening because it’s a goal of mine to see this fucking show through.

21

So, Season 3, we’re at a close, and not a moment too soon.  You drug on so long that I honestly feel like it’s been a year since the premiere.  Not a good look for any show when people are exhausted watching it, and not because they’re enjoying it or on the edge of their seats.  This season drug on and on, painfully, and I really hope that the next season is better.  I can’t do another boring-ass season like this, where everything is just consistently rehashed and nothing happens.  Or, things happen and are promptly forgotten, like plot is difficult.

10

I’m taking a week off.  Possibly two, because I have an out-of-town wedding and I’m just not ready to jump back into this.  But I’ll be back.

8

Season Rating

Crying Dawson Scale

3.5 out of 5 Mourning Dawsons

Season 3, Episode 23: True Love

You guys, this episode is super important.  And not just because it’s the season finale, to which I say:

Fine.

A.

Lly.

So it looks like Bro Dad and Gail are getting remarried, and, in what may be the most pathetic inference on the series so far, Joey is Gail’s maid of honor.  Seriously, Gail, don’t you have any friends your age?  Dawson is Bro Dad’s best man, of course.  Dawson mentions to Joey that this arrangement could make things awkward between them and Joey tells him that it’s only awkward if they make it awkward.  Alright, so it’s probably going to be awkward then.

1

Pacey is prepping to leave on his sailing trip, which is most likely going to end with his demise.  Dougie, who’s really racking up the onscreen hours lately, tells Pacey that he really thinks he needs to tell Joey how he feels.  I’m getting annoyed, because she KNOWS how he feels.  We’ve covered it.  Dozens of times by now.  What more can he say at this point?  Dougie keeps pushing him to open up to her, psychoanalyzing that Pacey is really taking this trip to run away from her.  Deep.

Jen thinks that Jack is super bitter about Ethan blowing up his spot.  He denies, as does Jen in regards to her bitter breakup with Henry.  On cue, Henry shows up and Jen acts super immature, talking to Henry through Jack.  Henry mirrors this childish behavior and Jack gives them both shit for acting like a bunch of kids.  Henry decides to be direct with Jen and tells her that he’s sorry.  So is she.  Sorry that they ever met.  BOOM!  Jesus, that’s rough.  I kind of feel bad for Henry.  He’s not sorry they met, and the scene finishes with Jen acting like an adult and giving Henry the cold shoulder.

2

Be weirder, Henry.

Seriously, Gail and Bro Dad are hosting a legit wedding.  Andi shows up at Dawson’s with her yearbook (of course she’s that girl) and asks him to sign a page she’s marked, which has a picture of Dawson and Pacey.  She mentions a send off dinner for Pacey and Dawson tells her he can’t make it because of the rehearsal dinner, which is a reasonable excuse.  She asks how long they’re going to freeze each other out and Dawson tells her that Pacey’s bitch ass has to make the first move.  Andi tells Dawson that she’s been hurt in all this too, but at least she’s trying to get over the pain.

Dougie, in an absolute abuse of power, pulls Joey over for going five miles under the speed limit.  He didn’t even use a radar gun; just an “ocular observation”.  Seriously, I’m never going to The Creek.  Total ignorance or abuse of power by law enforcement.  Anyway, he tells Joey about Pacey leaving and she seems nonplussed.  Honestly though, it could just be Katie Holmes’ stellar acting.

3

Having heard the news, Joey confronts Pacey and tells him he’s being immature.  Pacey fires back that he can’t sit around all summer and watch Dawson and Joey revive their relationship.  He tells her that she knows where he stands and that it’s ultimately her decision now.  She needs time, you guys!  I’m so glad this season is over.  It’s been like four episodes of “I need time!  Don’t make me choose!”.  She thinks that he’s giving up and he relates their relationship to her stupid wall, in that it’s unfinished.

Dawson hasn’t finished his best man speech, prompting Joey to make some cynical comments about love, which for some reason turns Dawson into a huge dick.  He acts all butt hurt and starts guilting her for wanting to attend Pacey’s send off party.  Take a chill pill, man.  Honestly, outbursts like that aren’t going to endear her to you.  He goes on and on, bitching about how she’s making him feel like she’s stuck with him, and tells her to go to Pacey.  She decides to stay, because girls love falling for the asshole.

4

For some reason, Grams is at Pacey’s going away.  I don’t know if I’ve ever seen those two in a scene together, but okay.  Everyone is bitchy about their love lives circling the drains and Grams tells them to shut the fuck up.  She starts telling them the story of how she didn’t kiss a guy, then got on a plane, flew to him and kissed him, and how she has no regrets or some shit.  Everyone is touched.

Joey is hanging on the docks when Dawson approaches, waving a white flag.  Neither of them want to fight, which causes Joey to explain to him that she broke things off with Pacey because she didn’t want to lose Dawson, but if she somehow knew that he’d forgive her, she might have done things differently.

5

Grams’ little story gave Jen a case of the sads because she realized that she wasn’t honest with Henry, who’s left for football camp now.  Grams whips the car around and tells her it’s time for an adventure.  Gigolos?

Joey is walking through town and finds that Pacey painted “ASK ME TO STAY” on her stupid wall.  That’s kind of a dicked move.  “Hey, I really like you.  Here’s a gift to show it that I’m totally going to ruin”.  He comes up behind her and tells her that she was right and that he’s not ready to give up, but needs to know she isn’t giving up either.  Acting all cool, he leaves her to think about it.

6

So we get to the wedding and Dawson and Joey seem moved by the vows.  I can’t hear them because there’s no audio.  I’m not complaining.  Pacey is there, which doesn’t seem like the best idea, given that even Bro Dad kind of wants to kick his ass.

So Grams is still driving.  It seriously has to be the next day by now, right?  Oh, and Andi and Jack are still in the back seat?  Their dad is probably fucking pissed.  They find Henry’s bus at a rest stop and Jen starts acting all spastic, screeching Henry’s name.  When she finds him, she babbles on about how she’s supposed to be with him and totally wanted to bone him after prom, but was nervous.  I should mention she’s saying all this in front of the entire football team and her fucking grandmother, which should be mortifying, but Henry also had a clown at his birthday party with his teammates, so I’m pretty sure he’s incapable of shame.  They start making out in front of everyone, and I’m surprised she didn’t give him a handie, given how desperate she’s acting.

7

Pacey, still at the wedding, is sulking.  If you’re miserable, just leave!  Why are you there!?  Joey approaches and tells him that she can’t ask him to stay, which means that she made her choice in regards to him.  He tells her that she should have made that decision months ago and saved everyone a lot of heartache.  You know, when she had no idea how he felt for her.  Makes sense.  Being fully guilted, she tells him goodbye.

After she leaves, Dawson comes out and asks the very question I’ve been wondering; why is Pacey there?  It was for Dawson’s parents.  He smugly congratulates Dawson on being Joey’s choice and remarks that things will never be the same between the two of them.  Dawson agrees that their friendship is irrevocably fucked.

8

Everyone is all giddy for Jen, who’s super happy she told Henry how she felt.  Grams then suggests hitting up Ethan’s college so that Jack can get his, which of course makes Jack super nervous.

Dawson and Joey are dancing, and he comments on how he can’t read Joey anymore.  This makes Joey start babbling on about how it’s summer and the two of them are going to have so much fun and are going to catch up, including taking a trip to Boston.  Dawson’s all, “Uhhh, yeah sure, weirdo”, and Joey starts crying.

9

There’s your awkwardness!

Jack finds Ethan at his school and sputters on and on, finally kissing him.  Only Ethan stops him, because he’s sitting with a dude named Brad.  Oh shit.  Brad is Ethan’s ex-boyfriend.  Only not anymore.  He’s Ethan’s boyfriend!  What a fucking twist!  Seriously though, Ethan wasted no time there.  He starts making excuses and Jack tells him to shut the fuck up.  Ethan apologizes.  It is kind of your fault there, Jack.  You needed to nut up (no pun intended) ages ago and figure your shit out.

Dawson is giving his speech, which is all about himself, because of course it is.  He’s glad to be at the current wedding since he couldn’t be at their first.  He makes some mention of how his parents getting back together illustrated that love is forgiveness, which moves Joey.

10

It’s cool, I’m only 17.

On the docks, Joey approaches Dawson and tells him she liked his speech.  He tells her he meant every word, and that she needs to go, because his selfishness has held her back in the past.  He starts to get all emotional, telling her she needs to find out for herself what could happen with Pacey, because she wants him like Dawson wants her, only Pacey reciprocates those sentiments.

Hang on here, something about this scene seems familiar…

Joey starts crying about how she doesn’t want Dawson to hate her and he tells her that those are just words and that she’s free and needs to go.  The whole scene reminds me of the ending of Harry and the Hendersons.  It also feels so familiar…

11

HOLY SHIT, IT FINALLY HAPPENED!  WE HAVE THE DAWSON CRY FACE!

12

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

13

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh my God, I’m so happy right now.

Mr. McPhee tells Jack that he’s concerned about him.  Not because he was missing for two days or anything, but because Jack is acting sad.  The scene gets uncomfortable because Jack starts trying to pick a fight with his dad for no reason.  However, we’re treated to a genuine moment of kindness from Mr. McPhee when he tells Jack that he did the right thing, causing Jack to collapse.

14

Seriously, everyone is collapsing this episode.  Must be an oxygen deficiency or something in The Creek.  Jack starts crying about how he’s had so much anxiety about being gay and wishes that he wasn’t, and Mr. McPhee is genuinely nice again when he tells Jack he’s glad he has a gay son.

Dawson is naturally moping around his house, and finds Andi, Jack and Jen just chilling in his room.  What exactly is the timeline here?  Because the wedding may have just ended and those three just got home, and literally one scene ago Jack was crying in his dad’s arms.  Jen makes some meta comment about how cheesy this stupid show is by relating it to what’s going on Dawson’s life, and he agrees to stay and watch movies with them.  You know, in his room.  We’re treated to another shot of that stupid painting of he and Joey as kids.

15

Terrible.  Just awful.

Joey is looking for Pacey at his boat, but he isn’t there.  He comes up and she tells him that she isn’t there to stop him, and that she’s noticed how he’s been different.  Pacey is still understandably pretty salty about how everything has gone down.  Joey admits that she thinks she’s in love with him and that she’s know for a while, but that she can’t deny it anymore.  Thank fucking God this storyline can move on now, right, you guys?  She wants to go with Pacey on his boating trip because she needs him.  Wow, way to go full on dependent in 30 seconds.  He agrees that she can come and they kiss.

16

Wait, she’s really going on his trip with him?  She doesn’t have any clothes or…anything.  Does Bessie know that she’s leaving?  What about money?  If they both die at sea, what inane story will we get next season?

17

Rating

Crying Dawson Scale

 

 

 

3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons

Season 3, Episode 22: The Anti-Prom

Another award-winning episode title.

Well, surprise of all surprises, Joey is super stressed about finals coming up.  Dawson, who I don’t think I’ve ever heard mention any school assignment that wasn’t film related, is far more stressed because prom is coming up.  He mentions some pact he and Joey had to go with one another if they didn’t have dates, which, let’s be honest, she’s a frigid bitch and he has four other friends, one of whom is gay, so they obviously don’t.  Joey thinks it’s kind of weird if they go together, and he tells her he’d rather go with someone he cares about; not a stranger, which, again, four friends.  Joey agrees on the condition that they’re just going as friends, and they open the door to find Bro Dad and Gail making out.

1

Seeing a genuine display of affection, Joey excuses herself to refreeze.  Dawson is kind of caught off guard, so Gail also excuses herself so that Bro Dad can talk to Dawson.  Dawson’s all, “It’s cool, Bro Dad, I’ve grown numb to your hot and cold relationship with my mother.”  He’s been just casually observing them from afar, and asks Bro Dad to define the relationship, like some kind of needy teenage girl.  Bro Dad tells them it’s casual, but they’re not together and Dawson throws shade at him about maybe making sure Gail knows where they stand on that ambiguous definition.

Andi and Pacey are studying, when Andi asks Pacey why he’s been so off-putting.  He’s sad, you guys.  Just so sad.  She proposes that maybe he just needs to get back out there and offers to go to the prom with him.  Yeah, Andi, seeing couples happy together is exactly what he needs right now.  She subtly tries to get Pacey to ask her to prom, but he tells her to kick rocks and have fun with one of the other myriad of guys who’ve asked her.

2

Joey whines to Bessie that maybe agreeing to go with Dawson was a mistake.  Bessie tells her that she wasn’t a fucking idiot and knew exactly what she was doing by agreeing; inserting herself right back between Dawson and Pacey.  Joey just wants Bessie to offer her a solution that doesn’t hurt anyone and Bessie tells her to wake the hell up because there isn’t one.  How many fucking times do we have to hear this?

Andi’s all sad because she has to go to prom alone.  See, she lied about there being a ton of dudes who want to take the psychotic chick to prom.  Jack doesn’t think she’s over Pacey, which she doesn’t deny.  Turns out that Jack is bring Ethan to the prom, but is having second thoughts because he’s not ready to take that step into announcing his homosexuality.  Dude, people already know.  Remember?  They wrote “FAG” on your locker and everything.  I don’t get his reservation because the damage has been done at this point.

3

Meanwhile, Jen won’t shut up about how dumb and lame prom is to Henry, which just ends up being her roundabout way of asking him to be her date.  Obviously, he’d love to.

The next day, everyone is buying their prom tickets, part of which involves disclosing who your date will be, which has Jack all freaked out.  It’s finally his turn, and when he reveals that it’s a guy, the prom bitch refuses to sell him a ticket.  Holy shit, she’s super intense.  She’s like a sign you’d see at a Westboro Baptist Church protest, talking about how it’s immoral and will cause a scene.  She settles for looking into whether it’s allowed, and Jack tells her to fuck off.

4

Dawson then buys his ticket and says that his date is Joey, which Barbara, the prom bitch, is tickled to hear.  Not so tickled is Pacey, who overhears.  Dawson turns and they lock eyes, and it’s super tense between the two of them.

Joey is all set to crucify prom bitch and, OH GOD NO, not another “Joey the Activist” episode!  That was horrible and I cannot do it again!  Jack’s not going now because he thinks it’s bullshit that the whole thing is political, when it’s supposed to be fun.  Good job, Joey.  In an act of solidarity, Joey and Andi agree to not go to as a boycott, which, Jesus.  Just don’t go.  Stop further politicizing it, you losers.  Hearing that Joey doesn’t want to go anymore totally deflates Dawson’s erection, so he proposes holding an “Anti-Prom” as protest.  What?  How are they going to put that together?  They’re all in.  Goddammit.

5

You smug prick.

Dawson asks Gail if he can hold the Anti-Prom at her restaurant because building a new set or filming on site is fucking expensive, you guys.  He finally feels like he’s found something to get his head in the game, so they agree to let him.  He scampers off like a happy puppy, giving Bro Dad the chance to tell Gail that Dawson is okay with them banging again.  He asks what they’re doing, and she tells him not to over-analyze and just enjoy the ride, which pisses Bro Dad right off.

Naturally, because these idiots will never fail at anything, the Anti-Prom is selling like gangbusters.  Barbara, prom bitch, accuses Jack of being gay and immoral, revealing that she’s a good Christian girl in the process.  Jack calls out religious hypocrisy of good Christians hating gay people, and she tells him that at least she isn’t going to Hell.  Good God, this is getting so stupid.

6

Grams has a tux for Henry, because he doesn’t have parents or something and takes her leave.  This prompts Jen to bring up prom night sex, which is apparently a thing.  Henry denies thinking about it, which is obviously a lie, given his “shut up and suck my D” attitude two episodes ago.  Jen just thinks it’s always bad and doesn’t want to do it.  Henry tells her that he’s not in a rush, but lets her know that he’s horny as shit.

Pacey visits Andi, who explains that she didn’t really have any prom offers.  Again, high schoolers talk, so chances are everyone knows she’s fucking whacked.  He asks why she didn’t just tell him that, and she tells him that she didn’t want a pity ask.  He’s all, “Yo bitch, I’d be honored to take you,” and asks her if she’d like to go with him.

7

Dawson picks Joey up for prom.  Or, Anti-Prom.  I can’t keep writing that or there will be a fist sized hole in my monitor.  He apparently bought her diamond earrings for the occasion, what with his hour a week salary.  Seriously, does he ever work?  Never mind, her borrowed them from Gail.  Being Joey, she doesn’t want to wear them, forcing Dawson to guilt her into it.  Solid boyfriend material right there.

Apparently, Dawson is also an excellent event planner, because the Anti-Prom is super elaborate and fancy.  Why won’t these people ever fail!?

8

Jack is being super weird towards Ethan, who obviously notices, because nothing on this show is subtle and he’d have to be an idiot not to.

Everyone sits together at a table when Pacey and Andi show up.  Why would Pacey agree to go to the Anti-Prom when he knows that Dawson is hosting it?  Sure, Andi wants to protest, but it just seems so backwards.  Since Dawson isn’t done rubbing his dick in Pacey’s face, he immediately asks Joey to dance, forcing Pacey to pathetically watch from the table.

9

Henry and Jen are dancing too when Henry blurts out, “I’M NOT THINKING ABOUT SEX!”  Smooth, you weirdo.  She assures him that it’s totally cool if he imagines giving her his meat stick, but reiterates that it is totally, 100% not happening.

Ethan tells Jack that he’s proud of him for bringing him as his date, and Jack tells him to shut the fuck up about how Ethan is the superior “out” guy in their relationship.  He thinks that Ethan somehow tricked him into taking him to the prom as a way of asserting his homosexuality or some shit.  Yeah, I don’t know.  He gets all pissy and leaves.

10

Now that Henry blurted out his horniness, he can’t think of anything to talk about, so Jen starts talking about their summer plans.  Only problem is that Henry is going to football camp for eight weeks.  Being bipolar, Jen flips the fuck out, telling him there’s no way he’s fucking her now, understandably confusing him since she’s been asserting their chasteness all evening.  She tells him to get his head out of his ass, because there was always a chance they were going to bone, but he ruined it.

Dancing, Joey asks Dawson why he brought her to his dumb Anti-Prom.  He tells her he cares about her, and she tells him she realizes he’s been a giant asshole and has been proudly rubbing Pacey’s face in their date like a sadist.  Dawson starts bitching about how there was another prom Pacey could have gone to, not “his” prom.  Joey tells him to stop parading her around, and starts whining about how everything is her fault.  Dawson, clearly only thinking of himself and not his hurting friend, casually proposes starting over, and Joey bails.  I cannot stress how ignorant Dawson seems to be to his friend’s suffering.

11

Outside, Joey finds Jack sulking.  He admits that Barbara was right; he did create a scene, hurting Ethan in the process.  He realizes that Joey is upset and tells her that it’s sad to hide from what you want, which, in his case, I’m assuming he means Ethan.  Joey, having someone new to bitch about her situation to, whines some more about how she wants everything to go back to normal, and Jack tells her that she’s the only person that can make her life resume normalcy; Dawson and Pacey have to figure their shit out on their own.

Gail asks Bro Dad if she can spend the night, and he tells her he doesn’t think that’s the best idea.  Jesus, these two.  He wants to know what’s going on between them and Gail asks him what he thinks and he tells her that he’s tired of being played, and she needs to define the relationship.  Looks like no prom night sex for Gail.

12

Ignoring Jack’s sage words of wisdom, Joey asks Pacey to dance.  Yup, definitely not taking any sides there.  Pacey thinks the earrings are gaudy and just aren’t Joey because Joey is simple and elegant, not flashy.  He compares her to the bracelet that she got from her mom, and tells the story of how he knows that it was her mom’s bracelet, which surprises Joey.  He knows, because he remembers everything that Joey ever said to him.  Having not realized that they’re AT A PROM WITH DATES, Andi spots them and starts crying, while Dawson looks super pissed and leaves.

13

14

Joey follows Dawson outside and he flips the fuck out on her, asking if she’s trying to hurt him.  She AGAIN whines about how she wants things to go back to the way they were and Dawson screams at her that they never can.  Yeah, you’re making yourself look real desirable right now, Dawson.  You see, he made the Anti-Prom as a way to dance with Joey and hold her, not sounding clingy at all.  He tells her that she has to pick one of them and deal with the consequences, but that if she picks Pacey, she’ll be missing out on a lot with Dawson.  Having watched one too many romantic movies, he kisses her and tells her that’s how their night would’ve ended, and leaves.  What great prom memories you two kids created!

15

Speaking of great prom memories, Jen is still fucking furious with Henry about football camp, because apparently in going, he wasn’t thinking about Jen when she was thinking about him.  Wow.  I know that eight weeks in high school relationships seems like an eternity, what with kids celebrating anniversaries by the week, but holy shit, Jen, you need to dial it down a notch or two.  She continues bitching about how she wouldn’t make a decision like that without talking to him and, Jesus, it’s fucking football camp for eight weeks.  Give up your damn passions for love, Henry.  That’s a solid message for kids.  She starts to go inside and Henry tells her if she shuts the door, it’s over for good.  Good for you, Henry.  Except, shit, she shuts the door.

Ethan is at the train station when Jack shows up to apologize.  He just wasn’t ready for that night being the next step in their relationship.  Ethan asks Jack to define “their relationship”, and Jack isn’t sure that Ethan likes him.  He does, but isn’t ready to take any steps until Jack is ready.  Jack’s all, “I’m ready, take me to Pleasuretown,” and Ethan dares Jack to kiss him.  Instead of kissing him, Jack starts crying, causing Ethan to leave in disgust.  Are you gay, Jack!?  It’s just a constant struggle with you.

16

Pacey apologizes to Andi and explains that he wanted to go to prom because Joey was going.  At least that explains that bit of ridiculousness.  Andi understands, but she feels really bad for him.  He tells her that he’s sailing to Key West for the summer, which I guess means he’ll be dying at sea, what with being a relatively inexperienced sailor with a high school salary.  Andi asks him if he told Joey how he really feels, because he’s not a coward and doesn’t back down from anything.  He has to tell her how he feels before he leaves to almost certainly be lost at sea, otherwise he’ll die with regret.

Joey returns Gail’s earrings to Dawson, and tells him that she did feel something when he kissed her.  Gross, Dawson.  What she felt was that she can’t keep hurting people, but she can’t choose either, which isn’t really a feeling so much as a revelation.  Don’t make her choose, she’s not ready!  He’s cool with that; he’ll wait.  You see, he’s at the end of his season-long soul searching journey (*vomits on self*), and what he found was Joey.  So fucking corny.

17

In the house, Gail admits to Bro Dad that she was afraid of screwing up again, but doesn’t want fear to hold her back anymore.  She’s ready to move on, and they start making out while Dawson and Joey, who’ve come inside, look on.  Dawson smiles, because he’s a creep who just remembered all the times he’s walked in on his parents fucking and realized that’s probably going to start up again.

18

19

Or, I guess he could be happy that his parents are getting back together.  What do I look like, a mind reader?

Holy shit.  Next week is the season finale.  Finally!

Rating

Crying Dawson Scale

 

 

 

3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons

Season 3, Episode 21: Show Me Love

Sad, sad music plays as our protagonist, and we pan in on Dawson, who’s looking at…

1

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  What is that!?  Is that him and Joey?  That’s terrible.

Anyway, the opening is a montage.  Henry is being a weirdo, waiting outside Jen’s with a sign asking for forgiveness for being a horny creep.

2

Dawson ignores Pacey in the hallway at school.  He won’t make eye contact with Joey in the cafeteria either.

3

Pacey can’t make eye contact with her, and as she approaches Jack for a friend, Andi looks at Joey like a straight up lunatic.

4

Finally, Dawson approaches Joey as she stares at the blank wall Pacey bought her.  He tells her that he wants her in his life.  She asks about Pacey in his life and Dawson’s all, “The damage is done,” but he and Joey can still rebuild their relationship.  Not only can they rebuild, he wants to rebuild and move forward.  Joey just wants to paint her wall.  Thanks for the ambiguous response, Joey.  Dawson invites her to a movie night, which she declines, and he tells her that it’s a standing invitation.

Daaaaaamn, Gail is lookin’ foine!

5

Oh boy.  Gail’s restaurant is sponsoring Pacey in the regatta, an agreement that had been made prior to the current shit storm of hate (amazing metal band name, by the way) between Dawson and Pacey.  Bro Dad thinks it’s bad form for Gail to keep the sponsorship, but she stands by the marketing for her terribly named restaurant.  Way to be as petty as your son, Bro Dad.  Dawson comes in and Gail apologizes for sponsoring Pacey.  Dawson keeps lying about everything being totally chill and even offers to take the banner to Pacey.

Obviously, things are not cool between Pacey and Dawson.  No, they’re straight up weird.  Dawson gives him the banner and keeps throwing shade at Pacey for being a backstabbing motherfucker (teacherfucker?), and Pacey tells him that he’s glad that he’s mad at the right person for once.  Dawson tells him to save his pity party and kick rocks.

6

Bessie, who’s giving away free pancakes to advertise the bed and breakfast, see’s Gail’s flag on Pacey’s boat and remarks that maybe that’s a good sign.  Joey makes it about herself and how she doesn’t know what to do, and Bessie tells her that she needs to back off and let the two of them sort their shit out.  I’m really hoping for a duel.  Swords or pistols.

Back at Grams’, she’s roped poor Andi and Jack into making wreaths for the participants in the regatta, which is apparently some rich person tradition or something.  While they’re working, Henry shows up with his forgiveness sign, utterly mortifying Jen in front of her friends.  Seriously, could Henry be any fucking weirder?  Jen explains all about Henry’s horniness and how she didn’t think he was fair, and Grams tells her that maybe she should consider forgiving him, because it’s better to stay on his good side than get added to the human flesh collection in his basement.

7

Dawson finds Jack and Andi and asks if he can borrow Mr. McFee’s boat.  You see, he wants to enter the regatta too.  Wow.  Way to step on Pacey’s dick, bro.  Jack reminds Dawson about that time he crashed Bro Dad’s boat while getting a blowie…

8

Seriously, never forget

And also that stealing Pacey’s thunder is kind of a dick move.  Dawson tells them that it’s not about Pacey, but rather Joey.  It will show her he cares.  Maybe she’ll give you her favor before the race too!  What an antiquated idea of romance you have, Dawson.  Jack keeps trying to stop him and finally Andi tells him to shut up, because it’s super romantic and they shouldn’t get in the way of true love.  Yeah, I’m sure Mr. McFee will totally be on board with a 16 year old with no sailing experience entering his $100,000 boat in a race.

Dawson finds Joey giving out pancakes and she comments on how relieved she is that they got it sorted out.  Dawson’s all, “No, we didn’t get it sorted out.  I’m going to crush him in the regatta,” which Joey thinks is kind of dicked.  Not to mention that he doesn’t have a sponsor.  Except, turns out he paid for Joey’s bed and breakfast’s sponsorship out of his own pocket.  DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH HE CARES, JOEY?

8

After Dawson leaves, Bessie comes back and Joey is fucking furious with her.  Now that Bessie chose Dawson, Joey’s obligated to pick a side in this absurd male posturing.  Everything was supposed to work itself out!  Bessie tells her to shut the fuck and realize that she needs to accept that there are consequences for her actions.

Wow, three episodes in a row for Will.  Looks like he got a scholarship to some school, so he’s shipping out.  Annnnnnd there he goes.  Problem is, he’s worried about Pacey.  Andi tells Will that Pacey is an idiot, and Will tells her he thinks it’s good that Pacey went after what he wanted.  She gets all pissy about how Pacey made her angry by fucking up the social dynamics and Will tells her that she needs to chill because look what harboring anger did for Anakin Skywalker.

9

As expected, Dawson doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing on the boat, and Jack is getting pissed.  To Dawson’s credit, Jack really doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing either, which is a bit of a problem if you ask me.  Bro Dad shows up and it turns out he knows his shit about sailing.  He offers to help Dawson not crash and drown, and when Dawson asks about the restaurant sponsoring Pacey, Bro Dad tells him that he’s doing it as his father; not a restaurateur.

Joey see’s the bed and breakfast’s banner flying on Dawson’s boat, and so does Pacey.  Joey starts following him, apologizing for the sponsorship, and Pacey is completely at a loss over Dawson entering the regatta.  He tells Joey that she’s been a bitch for ignoring him for the past three weeks.  To make herself even more bitchy, she implies that she thinks Pacey should drop out of the regatta.  What the fuck?  It was his idea in the first place!  He realizes this too and starts pointing out that no matter what he does, he loses.  If he drops out, he looks like a pussy to the bastion of manliness that is Dawson, and if he wins, he hurts Joey.  Fuck her.  Totally not fair.  To try to sooth things, she asks Pacey if he’ll consider talking to Dawson, and Pacey agrees.

10

Gail grabs Jen in the restaurant and is pissed because Henry showed up with his sign and is freaking out the customers.  Rightfully so.  She calls him “creepy”, so I’m glad I’m not alone in that sentiment.

To oblige Henry into not being a fucking weirdo anymore, she lets him take her to the roof, where he’s laid out a candlelit picnic.  What if she didn’t agree to go?  That would have been a huge waste of time.  Was being weird to the point of getting her fired from her job his endgame?  Because that’s not sociopathic at all.  He apologizes again and tells her that he’s glad they’re chaste.  Except he’s not, because he’s a teenage guy and she drives him crazy.  But he wants everything to be new for her.  Henry, she’s not getting her virginity back, and I highly doubt you’ve got any tricks up your sleeve, so I don’t think you have much to offer in the novel sex stuff.  They kiss, because Jen apparently suffers from Stockholm Syndrome.

11

Your face would look good as a mask.

Pacey asks Dawson what he’s trying to prove by entering the regatta, and Dawson sticks by his story about trying to help Joey.  Pacey, having had enough of this shit, tells Dawson to take a swing at him and get it over with.  Dawson asks him if entering the regatta will make him a better man and is just really a giant dick to Pacey, essentially repeatedly calling him a loser.  He asks Pacey if he honestly thought he could compete with Dawson and Joey’s history, and Pacey correctly asks what history he’s referring to.  Two failed attempts at dating because neither of them have enough backbone to try and stick out the harder parts?  Dawson throws more shade at Pacey and Pacey just walks away.  I really wanted a fight, so thanks for nothing, writers.

Oh shit, Jen shows up the next morning in the clothes she was wearing the night before and Grams is pissed!  Wait, wasn’t she supposed to be working?  She just bailed?  Jen confesses that she stayed on the roof with Henry all night and Grams calls Jen a slut, saying that she expected more from the new Jennifer and can’t believe she’s reverting to whore-y NYC Jennifer.  Jen tells Gram that she’s hurt that she has such a low opinion of her.

12

Gail can’t believe that Bro Dad is helping Dawson in the regatta, and Bro Dad tells her that he’s proud of Dawson for fighting for what he wants.  He thinks he has more guts than they do.  Gail asks him what he’s talking about and he mentions that he thought there was some chemistry brewing between them again.  Dude, you divorced her.  I mean, what the hell?  Gail sits in silence, which is awkward for all involved, so Bro Dad leaves.

The regatta starts.  The footage is scored by this hard rock anthem playing the whole time, which is really funny to me.  Everyone is working really hard, but Pacey has the lead.

13

Dawson, clearly not content with the level of asshole he’d hit yet, decides to pull some crazy maneuver that puts him in Pacey’s line.  It’s super dangerous because they can crash and Pacey keeps screaming at Dawson to back off.  Even Bro Dad tells Dawson to back off and he holds fast, forcing Pacey to pull off to avoid colliding.  Dawson comes in first place, but the time it takes Pacey to circle around puts him in fifth.

Dawson is super proud of himself, but Joey comes up, fucking furious, and tells Dawson that he’s disqualified.  Good.  Seriously, fuck him.  Pacey comes up and everyone starts screaming at one another and finally Dawson screams to Pacey that he still loved Joey.  There’s a stunned silence and Joey starts freaking out, telling them that she hates what’s happening and what they’re doing to her.  This shit isn’t worth it to her and she storms off.  Dawson looks stunned.  Being a giant asshole having consequences is apparently a new concept to him.

14

Joey is crying when Dawson approaches, clearly not taking the hint.  She tells him that she’s not good for him, and he tells her that he’s trying to be the guy she wants.  That’s a good message for impressionable teenagers.  Change yourself into a prick if the normal routes don’t work to get a girl.  He wants her now more than ever.  I have no idea what her response is, because the musical copyrighting cut out all the dialogue.

Pacey shows up to see Will off and makes a tongue-in-cheek remark about not screwing a teacher.  Will tells Pacey not to give up on true love.  And thus, another ancillary character’s story arc is wrapped up.

15

Jen is still really salty at Grams for having been called a slut.  To make it up to her, Grams brings her some dress that Jen used to wear when she actually was a slut.  Grams found it buried in the closet and it reminder her how much she’s grown up.  It touches her that Jen is realizing that she deserves to be loved, not just lusted over and starts going into a conversation about her own sex life.  I’m feeling a little woozy and the world is starting to go dark.  Thankfully, Jen interrupts and tells her that they didn’t bang, which makes Grams really happy.

Bro Dad shows up at the restaurant for a private party that turns out be just for Gail and himself to “work things out”.  He sputters about how they’re going to lose customers and she tells him she doesn’t care; he’s more important than the implosion of her credit score should the restaurant go under.  He always will be.  They kiss.

16

Pacey finds Joey eyeballing her wall and makes snarky remarks about Dawson.  He tells her that the lease on the wall runs up soon and she tells him that she isn’t ready to paint it, but that she doesn’t want to give it up either.  I’m not sure if that’s a metaphor for her and Dawson or her and Pacey.  Pacey is appalled that she actually seems to love Dawson more because of his childish behavior, which I’ve got to agree with him on – that’s bullshit.  He asks if she could love him if Dawson weren’t around.  Oh man, did he hire a hitman?  “Dawson: Creek on the Run” would be an amazing spin-off.  Joey starts crying, so Pacey takes his leave, telling her that he’s going to renew the lease on this stupid wall, no catch.

At his boat, Pacey pulls the name placard off of his boat and throws it into the water.  Remember, his boat is “True Love”, so he obviously thinks that true love is drowning or dead or something.

17

Andi comes back with the “True Love” sign and gives it to Pacey.  She tells Pacey that she doesn’t hate him, because hate is a strong word.  She was hurt and betrayed and, wait, what?  Why is she hurt and betrayed?  It’s not like she fucking told him that she still had feelings for him.  Goddammit, this show.  Anyway, she doesn’t want to carry hate and forgives him.

Meanwhile, Joey pops into Dawson’s room with “E.T.”.  Holy shit, she’s going to REWARD his bad behavior?  That’s seriously fucked up.  He’s all surprised that she rented that movie, what with it giving him an E.T.’s finger-like boner.  She tells him she knows the ending, which is comforting to her.  Yeah, your life is so scary right now, Joey.  I’m so annoyed that Dawson is literally not going to see any consequences for nearly killing his so-called best friend.  That’s fucked up.

18

Rating

Crying Dawson Scale

3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons

Season 3, Episode 20: The Longest Day

More like the longest television season.  Seriously, is this season ever going to end?

We open with a sunset and Joey half-emoting, “Ever have one of those days you wish you could live all over again?”.

1

And we’re off!

Looks like the gang has gathered for the christening of Pacey’s boat.  As a reminder, he named it “True Love”.  “True Blood” would’ve been such a metal name.  But while everyone is waiting for their asses, Pacey and Joey are making out in the nearby boat house.  Turns out that they still haven’t told Dawson about their relationship, like a bunch of great friends.  To their credit, they realize that they’re being shitty, but as Joey laments, it’s just been too hard to work up the courage.  After going back and forth about who should tell Dawson (just fucking tell him already!), Pacey gets Joey to agree to give him one day.

Hey, they brought Buzz back again.  So this is how Jonathan Lipnicki’s been paying the bills?  Dawson’s Creek royalties?  Anyway, his mom is late to pick him up, which has really cramped Pacey’s plans to come clean with Dawson.  Dougie shows up to relay the message that she’s not coming, forcing Pacey to abandon Buzz with Dougie so that he can get things done, despite Dougie’s protestations.

2

I…can’t…breathe…

Grams has to go out of town for a few days and has her panties in a bunch about leaving Jen alone, thinking she’s totally going to slut it up with Henry.  Jen doesn’t take any offense, which is good, given her history of double teaming action and all, but assures her that Henry is a gentleman and she won’t let him in the front door, like he’s a vampire or some shit.

After Grams leaves, Jen spies Pacey creepily lingering outside Dawson’s.  He still hasn’t been able to work up the strength to go in and just tell Dawson what’s going on.  Jen tries to comfort him by telling him that Joey totally wants him, which has nothing to do with Dawson’s potential melt down, so thanks, Jen!  Pacey’s worked out some scenario in his head where Dawson is totally cool with him stealing his soulmate away, and Jen agrees that it’s a possibility.  Have you guys met Dawson?  Dude literally made an entire love story movie as a way to try to force Joey into hanging out with him.  Anyway, he’s at the library, according to Bro Dad.

3

Who else happens to be hanging at the library?  Why, none other than Andi!  She and Pacey exchange small talk, until Will (holy shit, they brought him back too!?) comes up and tells her that he’ll see her later that night.  They’re totally going on a date, you guys.  Pacey and Andi suddenly get super awkward around each other, despite the fact that Pacey had his tongue in Joey’s mouth just a few short hours ago.

Buzz is pissing Dougie right the fuck off, breaking answering machines and shit.  He’s really worked up about it for some reason.  It’s an answering machine, Dougie.  Are you afraid you’ll miss Jack’s call or something?

4

…………………..

Oh my God, what if that happens?  Sure, Jack’s underage, but we’ve already seen that Dougie takes his pledge to serve and protect pretty halfheartedly.  Remember during the hurricane when he was just hanging at a high school teacher’s house drinking wine with his younger brother?

Anyway, when Pacey finally shows up, Dougie’s all, “What the fuck, bro?” and Pacey reveals that Joey likes him too.  Dougie asks him about Dawson and Pacey tries to explain why he hasn’t told him yet, but Dougie cuts him short and tells him that he’d better tell Dawson soon or he’ll end up all alone.  Uhhhh, won’t he have Joey?  Seems to be a slight wrinkle in your motivation there, Dougie.

5

Cut to Pacey working up the courage to walk into Dawson’s again when Joey grabs him.  She tells him that he can’t tell Dawson because she has to in order to save their friendship.  How selfless of you.  She asks Pacey if he told yet.  Yeah, he did Joey.  He’s just awkwardly standing outside the door to get measurements.  Seeing as he hasn’t told yet, she explains that maybe it’s a sign that they shouldn’t be together after all.  Pacey starts to get upset over this, seeing that she had no intention of telling Dawson either; she was just going to dump his ass and forget the whole thing ever happened.  Before she can explain, Dawson comes out and asks them what they’re arguing about.  There’s a silence, and Pacey finally explains that they’re fighting about themselves, because they’re an “us” now.

6

“Ever have one of those days you wish you could live all over again?”

What the fuck just happened?  Am I being punished for something?  Why are we back on the docks again for Pacey’s christening?  Oh my god, nooooooo!

Joey comes out of her makeout session with Pacey and, after some small talk, Jen offers to give her a ride to the library.  Moments later, as they’re walking to the library (Jesus Christ, do these writers proofread anything?), Joey explains her feelings for Pacey and the complications with Dawson.  Jen asks her if she wants to continue things with Pacey and she says she does.  Jen reiterates what everyone else has been saying, and tells her that they need to pull the Bandaid and tell Dawson.  Joey’s biggest fear is that she’s the villain regardless of whether she or Pacey tell Dawson.  In a villain-less show, Joey, you’re already the villain.  She laments that she’s not as fearless as Pacey or Jen, and Jen tells her that she needs to be careful, because despite how fearless Pacey may be, his heart can still be broken.  Deep.

7

At the library, Joey sees Pacey and Andi’s awkward conversation unfold.  Ohhhhhh, I get it; we’re watching this stupidity unfold through multiple character’s viewpoints.  Guess what, Dawson’s Creek, you’re a shitty teenage soap opera; not a Tarantino flick.

Anyway, Andi spots Joey and annoys her about her date with Will.  The problem is that while she likes Will, there are moments when she realizes she’s not totally over Pacey.  Oh shit!

8

A few seconds later, she runs into Dawson, who invites her to a movie night, for old time’s sake.  She declines, providing some flimsy, very obviously bullshit excuse, and when he asks her what’s up, she bails.  He clearly picked up on her weirdness.

We’re treated to a short scene of Joey leaving Pacey a message telling him not to tell Dawson.  But Buzz is going to destroy that answering machine, Joey!

Later, Joey climbs into Dawson’s room, with something really important to talk to him about.  He hasn’t seen Pacey since the christening, which is a relief to Joey.  He’s watching a movie that just so happens to be the same movie they watched on their first date.  Remember that?  It went really badly because Jen showed up wanting to cockblock Dawson.  Anyway, they never got to see how it ended, and it turns out that the three characters are in a love triangle, and when two of them come clean, there’s a huge falling out, causing them all to be alone.  “It’s kind of depressing”, Dawson remarks.  Flustered by the convenience of this similarity, Joey leaves.

9

Outside, Joey finds Pacey just about to go into Dawson’s and they start arguing.

Meanwhile in his room, Dawson overhears them arguing and listens for a second before coming outside and getting the news dropped on him that they’re make out buddies.  Joey apologizes for not telling him and Dawson replies by snarkily telling them that they didn’t.  He already knew.

10

“Ever have one of those days you wish you could live all over again?”

FUCK!

At the boat christening, Dawson gives Pacey champagne.  Where did Dawson get champagne from?  This fucking town and their underage drinking leniency.  Dougie is literally five feet away!  He asks Dawson if he’ll stick around after, and Dawson says he’s got to run a few errands, but he’ll be around.

Pacey gives a speech and christens his boat.  Everyone is happy.  Champagne is wasted.

11

At the library, Dawson sees Will acting weird.  He’s looking for Andi in some quiet, secluded room to study.  Holy shit, that’s brilliant.  I can guarantee that at least one teenage pregnancy occurred in a study room at a public library after this episode aired.  Anyway, Will asks about Dawson and Joey’s first date, which catches Dawson off guard for some reason.  He talks about the movie and how shitty they are for dates, and suggests taking Andi out on The Creek, because it’s hella romantic.  Hell, he’ll even let Will borrow his boat.

Henry is sulking because he can’t go in the house, per Grams’ rules.  He starts pawing at Jen, trying to make out with her, but she stops him when she sees Dawson approaching and shoves him inside.  The house, you pervs.

12

When Dawson gets there, she asks him if he wants to come inside to hang out.  She’s really sorry about what Pacey said to him.  Understandably confused, Dawson gets all weird and asks her what the fuck she’s talking about.  She stutters, and like a regular Sherlock Holmes, Dawson deduces that it has something to do with Joey.  Jen apologizes for not saying anything and says that she was just trying to protect Dawson.  He tells her to shove it and storms off.

Back in his room, Dawson lays in bed staring at his ceiling, then turns on the movie.  We cut to Joey coming in and get to relive that riveting conversation about their date and the movie’s ending.  From Dawson’s perspective, the “depressing” ending of the movie seems to imply that he doesn’t want things to go down that way.

13

We cut to the reveal outside again.  Dawson asks them when they were planning on telling him, throwing Jen under the bus in the process.  Oh man, Jen’s fucked.  Joey is absolutely going to kill her.  The whole conversation gets ugly really quickly as he implies that Joey is doing it solely for sex (laughable) and tells Pacey that when this is all over, he’s not going to have any friends.  He’s really being a dick about it.  Of course, Andi shows up and Dawson freaks out at her, telling her all about the two of them before storming back inside.

15

“Ever have one of those days you wish you could live all over again?”

FUCK!

Fortunately, we don’t start back at the fucking docks again, but rather at Grams’ after Dawson stormed off.  Henry comes back outside and asks what happened and Jen tells him she feels awful.  To make her feel better, he literally shoves his tongue into her mouth.  She pushes him off and asks him what the fuck he’s doing, and he tells her that he doesn’t care about her drama; her mouth should be used for sucking his dick, not talking.  Pissed, Jen tells him to get the fuck out.

We then cut to Andi and Will showing up at Dawson’s after the reveal.  Joey runs inside after Dawson and Andi asks if Dawson was telling the truth.  Pacey confirms and doesn’t know what else to say.  Andi freaks on him and asks him how he could be so stupid?  Joey was Dawson’s first love!  He’s going to ruin everything!  It’s all so fucking dramatic.

16

Inside, Joey tells Dawson that she didn’t mean to hurt him.  He still can’t figure out why they’re together when they can’t stand each other, and Joey explains that things have been complicated between her and Dawson, and that she needs Pacey.  Ouch.  Dawson straight up asks her if she needs him and she tells him that’s not fair.  He starts flipping the fuck out again, telling her that she needs to choose between he and Pacey, because everything is irrevocably changed forever.  She starts crying about how she doesn’t know what to say, and Dawson tells her to get the fuck out.

17

Later, Jen finds Dawson sitting all alone in the dark in his room.  He tells her that he’s alone like a whiny goth kid, and she tells him that he’s not.  He asks her again why she didn’t tell him, and she gives some lame ass excuse that boils down to telling him would’ve caused him to try to intervene, which would have only drawn Joey and Pacey closer.  He doesn’t know what he should do, and Jen tells him that he needs to let Joey decide.  Clearly not listening, he exclaims that he’s going to fight for what he wants.  Poor Jen.  Homegirl can’t get anyone to listen to her.

18

Back on the docks, Pacey is sulking when Joey appears, kicking off the conversation with that stupid line, “Ever have one of those days you wish you could live all over again?”.  They both agree that they would redo that day, but when Pacey asks what she’d do differently, she gives the ambiguous answer of “everything and nothing”.  As always, you’re super deep and helpful, Joey.

After an awkward pause, they turn the conversation to the boat.  Joey thinks it looks good, but Pacey remarks that while it looks good, he’s not sure if it’s seaworthy, and he sees stormy weather in the future.  He asks if it’s over between the two of them, and Joey curtly tells him that it is.  What a frigid bitch.  His relationship with Dawson, his best friend, is fucked, and he has absolutely nothing to show for it now.  At least give the guy a chance.  He tells her she should leave and she does, turning to watch him after a few steps.

19

20

Thank God that’s over.  I cannot relive another retelling of that same stupid day.

Rating

Crying Dawson Scale

 

 

3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons

Season 3, Episode 19: Stolen Kisses

Well it looks like it’s spring break in The Creek, and rather than doing something fun like other privileged high school students, Dawson and Joey are going to visit his aunt.  Apparently they do it every year.  Exciting stuff.  Pacey shows up with some guy.  Now who the hell is this?  Will?  Whatever.  Pacey invited Will to visit Dawson’s aunt too, which isn’t rude or presumptuous at all.  Then Andi shows up.  What the fuck.  I’m sure Dawson’s super cool aunt will totally be okay with three complete strangers crashing at her house, one of whom can only be vouched for by Pacey.  Not a good look.  Once they’re left alone, Joey’s all, “Guh, I thought you weren’t coming,” to Pacey, and he asks her why she cares, since things are totally cool between them.  Are they still awkward around each other?  You better your candy corn lovin’ ass they are.

1

Looks like weirdo Henry works at Gail’s restaurant too.  The Creek must have been a hotbed of teenage crime before that restaurant opened.  Where else did teens work?  The Creek is so lucky to have Gail and Bro Dad.  He’s just so happy to be working with Jen, because stalker-esque dependence on someone is apparently cute.  He leaves, and this other girl comes up to Jen and starts gushing (no, you perv) about how cute Henry is.  Jen throws some shade at the girl for being a slut.

Per usual, Andi is annoying everyone, grilling Will about his life.  As you might have guessed, he’s boring.  He enjoys reading and hates movies.  Since the conversation hasn’t focused on Joey for two minutes, she starts going on and on about how she loves Dawson’s aunt.  She left her husband for some other guy who’s now dead or some shit.  He was alive when she married him, don’t worry.  Will starts talking about how loving someone passionately but briefly is a better alternative than only mildly caring for someone for life.  I’m genuinely surprised that Joey is so encouraging of Dawson’s hussy of an aunt, what with her sexual hangups over everything.

2

Now who the hell is this?  Some lady just randomly approaches Gail and Bro Dad and tells them that her husband died.  I guess they know her.  Otherwise, that’s a weird way to get attention; telling random people that your husband is dead to strike up conversation.  She asks how they’re doing, and for some reason, Gail pretends they’re still together.  This new lady is really pleased, and gives them her dead husband’s toast from their wedding.  We’ll probably never see her again.

Oh hey, the slutty aunt is Julie Bowen!  Be still, my heart!

3

It’s weird, because she clearly doesn’t give a shit about three uninvited guests crashing at her house for a week.  Again, only Pacey can vouch for Will, which is dubious at best.  When she meets Pacey, she mentions that she already knows him, because he used to chase Joey around when they were little.

Later that night, Joey is still being a raging bitch to Pacey.  Why?  I thought everything was supposed to be copacetic?  He reiterates that there shouldn’t be any weirdness between them if things are kosher.  There’s bigger problems though, like the fact that Dawson took the sleeping bag like a selfish dick, and the only sleeping space available is the bed, which they’ll have to share.  Oh hell no!  She wants none of that shit!  She makes mention of his penis, which shouldn’t surprise anyone that she’s terrified of feeling it in the night.  They begrudgingly agree to share the bed and wrestle the blankets from one another.

4

So it sounds like it’s boring as fuck at Dawson’s aunt’s.  The only means of entertainment is the pool hall, which is arguably better than Chess (looking at you, Jack), so Will offers to teach Andi how to play.  She throws shade at him about being a giant dork, so there’s no way in hell he can do something athletic, which probably means she likes him.

Gail asks Bro Dad if he’s okay with their friend’s death, and he’s very short and off-putting about it.  It’s funny, because this guy was such a great friend, yet they never address him by name.  How lazy were you, writers?  Randolph.  Call him Randy.  Jesus, that took me 2.2 seconds to think up.  Gail tells Bro Dad that he should read their marriage toast, and Bro Dad tells her to get out of there with that shit.

5

Meanwhile on the other side of the restaurant, that girl, Shelly, is still all over Henry.  Jen tells her to cut the shit and invest her energy into working hard, because apparently Jen aged 45 years overnight.  Henry asks if she’s jealous, and she denies that she is.  Maybe she just likes when people work hard, Henry.

Wouldn’t you know it; Will is awful at pool.  So is Pacey, which means that Andi, having never played before, is kicking their asses.  Is there anything she can’t do?  After knocking the ball off the table, some guy challenges them to a game, and Will’s all about that shit.  Either that guy is an opportunistic prick who preys on awful players, or they have a scheme.  Andi is freaking, of course, and Will tells her to trust him.

6

Never ask Dawson about his crisis of faith!  That seems to be the primary lesson this season.  He goes on and on to Aunt Bowen about how he’s not making movies anymore.  She thinks he needs a lady and asks why he and Joey aren’t together anymore.  Dawson explains the whole boring story of he and Joey’s two attempts at love, and she tells him that maybe the timing is right now.  Oh God.  Don’t do this to me, please.  It took 17 episodes for Pacey and Joey to kiss.  I can’t do another season of plot blue balling.

I guess Pacey and Will are a bunch of hustlers, and won against the other guys.  Now that they won under false pretenses, Andi is still freaking.  I’m kind of disappointed there wasn’t a montage of pool and high fives and the other guys shaking their heads in disappointment as they realized they’d been hustled.  Oh well.

7

For some reason, we’re treated to 30 seconds of the gang washing a horse.  So many fun times at Dawson’s aunt’s house on spring break!

8

Woo!  Spring break!

Upstairs in the barn, Dawson asks Joey if he’s different.  She tells him that he is.  He’s not an attention starved child who cries all the time to get noticed.  Instead, he lets others shine and take the spotlight.  Yeah Joey, except he’ll gladly whine about his fucking crisis of faith to anyone who will listen at any given time.  Then again, I wouldn’t expect one selfish person to recognize that flaw in another.  He starts talking about how this week allows him to make sense of his life.  You’ve been working on that FOREVER, Dawson!  Joey tells him that people evolve, which is why they’re different towards one another.  He tells her that he thinks fate will bring the two of them back together.  Stop!  Just stop it!  Joey remarks that Dawson hasn’t changed that much, clinging to his optimism, and Dawson gets kind of clingy, telling her that he can’t remember why they’re not together.

Later, Joey loves one of the paintings that Dawson’s aunt did and asks her if she has any regrets.  Her biggest was staying in a marriage for too long when another dude made her feel so alive.  So…she wishes she’d cheated earlier?  Kind of weird wisdom to impart on a 16 year old, if I’m being honest.  Pacey shows up, and sure as shit, they’re still awkward around each other.

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Henry comes up to Jen all flustered because Shelly offered to fuck him.  That’s pretty bold.  Jen asks him why he’s all worked up, and he’s all, “Hey, you’re not putting out and a hot older girl just offered to bang me – OF COURSE I’M WORKED UP!”.  Jen asks him if he wants to take her to Bone City, and he tells her he doesn’t.  He asks if she’s jealous, and she flips on him because SHE’S TOTALLY NOT JEALOUS!  I totally buy it, you guys.

Andi definitely has a thing for Will and keeps pestering him with questions.  He starts talking about how his dad is a dick, which he and Pacey have in common.  Because of this commonality, he came to stay with Pacey/crash Dawson’s aunt’s house.

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Gail is all pissy with Bro Dad for being a dick about the toast.  She asks why he’s being such an asshole, because she’s his friend, and he counters that if they’re such great friends, why aren’t they married now?  Uhhh, I have plenty of friends who I’m not married to.  Like, all of them.  Not sound logic.  Also, Bro Dad, just a reminder.  YOU DIVORCED HER!

Insufferable.

Oh God.  I know I wanted a pool montage earlier.  I do not want a karaoke montage of the gang singing “Wild Thing”.  Seriously.  We’re treated to individual shots of them each singing it, because apparently they could only afford the rights to one song.  But everyone is having so much fun singing it!

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Wacky Aunt Bowen, apparently trying to play matchmaker, forces Dawson and Joey into singing together.  Thank God; they bought another song.  “Daydream Believer”.  They start singing it and are just having so much fun that Pacey has to leave, apparently getting jealous of Dawson and Joey’s friendship.

Hoo boy.  Henry has turned the tables and is macking on Shelly.  Jen sees this happening, and tells Shelly to fuck off, calling her a “slutty wench” so loudly that the restaurant overhears and gets quiet.  Looks like she is jealous after all.

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Joey approaches Pacey outside and asks him if he’s okay.  He’s obviously not, having realized that he can’t compete with Dawson when it comes to history with Joey.  She asks why the fuck it’s a competition when they’re just friends and Pacey admits that he likes Joey.  Fina-fucking-lly.  She doesn’t say anything, and as he goes to leave she tells him that she felt it this morning.  Not his penis; get your head out of the gutter!  His arm brushed hers in bed and it made her feel alive.  Guh.  He tells her that he’s going to kiss her, totally taking any spontaneity out of the moment, and that she should stop him if she doesn’t want him to.  They start making out and someone clears their throat.  Aunt Julie!?

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Pacey is genuinely getting blue balled every time he kisses Joey.  I feel bad for him.

Pacey, probably needing to go scream into a pillow or something, excuses himself.  Aunt Julie totally gets why Joey and Dawson aren’t together.  Right.  Pacey and Joey just kissed, which totally explains the whole Dawson forcing Joey to rat her dad out and get him thrown back in the slammer.  She tells Joey that they need to tell Dawson, because it’s kind of dicked to be reckless with his feelings.

Andi finds Pacey sulking and asks him if he’s okay.  He tells her he’s not.  Rather than being a good friend and asking him to explain, she immediately starts gushing about how much she likes Will.  These people are all so self-centered.  I kind of miss them being bipolar.  He asks her if she likes him, and she tells him she’s not sure.  Having just gone through soul vomiting, he tells her that she should be honest with Will about her feelings towards him.  I don’t know man; I think this conversation with your ex would be weird.  Or are we supposed to forget they ever dated?

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Jen is mortified about her public freak out.  She’s hiding in the supply closet, crying.  Henry shows up and still acts like a total weirdo, telling her that he’s cool with her being a jealous spazz.  She keeps crying about how she’s spent years building up walls that he’s managed to tear down, and that she can’t lose him.  Encouraging him to accept sexual advances from other girls is a bold strategy, Jen.  He tells her that he’s not going anywhere.  Good.  They can be codependent now instead of one sided dependency.

Bro Dad is weird around Gail.  He read the toast and thought it was beautiful and touching.  It made him realize that he had to let Gail go.  I guess that’s why they’re still divorced?  I don’t know.  The dead guy made him realize that all their problems are so trivial.  Well yeah.  Dying is a pretty major problem that kind of trumps all others.  This revelation that death is permanent causes them to dance together.

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Dawson is looking at pictures of he and Joey as kids and comments on what a dork he was.  Oh Dawson, you’re still a fucking dork.  Joey acts like she’s going to tell Dawson what’s going on, but Aunt Bowen interrupts.  Joey excuses herself, and Aunt Bowen gives Dawson a painting to take home that she thinks will “bring him back”.  He’s a talented young man who needs to realize that dreams are strength.  Can someone just tell him to quit whining?  She encourages him to keep searching for the one thing that he’s passionate about.

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Meanwhile, Joey finds Pacey at the fire and he asks what’s going on.  She doesn’t know.  He calls that complete bullshit, and Joey explains that she tried to tell Dawson, but couldn’t find the words.  Again, he calls bullshit.  She tells him that she doesn’t have the answers to his questions, so he asks her how she feels.  Awful.  Don’t soften that blow, Joey.  Pacey agrees that he feels awful too, mentioning that he’s afraid this might hurt Andi.  Guess they didn’t forget those two dated.

Anyway, Pacey tells Joey that he can’t keep being the one kissing her and finding all her answers; she’s got to figure some of this shit out on her own and stop fucking with him.  He finally goes for it, telling her that if she cared about him, they wouldn’t even have to have this conversation where they figure out their feelings, and goes to leave.  Joey stops him, and they start making out.

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Rating

Crying Dawson Scale

 

 

3.5 out of 5 Crying Dawsons